Gifts From the Universe
Last night should have been amazing. I had dinner with a handful of friends whom I don't get to see near often enough, and we laughed and joked and talked about games and horror movies and the show we were going to see. And then there was a Postmodern Jukebox concert, and it should have been awesome.
Except.... it was good, but not enough to erase the deaths that have been slamming my community for the past week. And in retrospect maybe loud and crowded isn't what I needed. And why was the guy next to me on his phone for the whole thing, while the person in front of me kept getting up to walk in and out of the concert hall?
And afterwards, it felt like everyone in the hall was there to be actively mean to me. Looking at the merchandise table, someone felt the need to push me and tell me that they were in line and I was trying to cheat my way in front of her. I left, so she could buy her damn t-shirt without my heinously offensive presence, and paused on the sidewalk outside the line of traffic to try to collect my cope.... and someone else walked out, went out of their way to shove past me, and made snarky comments about the apparently heinous crime of standing on the sidewalk. And I just fell apart.
I'm not surprised; between still recuperating from sickness, multiple deaths, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and multiple triggers, I was overdue for a PTSD breakdown. And umbran was there to help me through the worst of it. He wrapped me up and coaxed me into moving and shielded me from the people and kept me upright and talked to me as we headed back towards the T station.
And when we were almost there, cutting through the edge of the Commons, we found the labyrinth.
Someone had chalked a labyrinth onto the walking path. Huge and complex and intricate and waiting. And I started walking it. And a few turns in I felt my shoulders relax and a few turns later I could feel myself focus again, and by the time I reached the center I could see the world clearly again, instead of through the lens that told me everyone was attacking me. It wasn't a perfect and instant cure, but it helped more than I thought anything could.
Arnis says we can move the cars and draw a labyrinth on our driveway, in case it helps in the future - and that, if it does, we can paint it there more permanently. I don't know if it'll help in the long run or if this was just a fluke, but I'll try anything....
Except.... it was good, but not enough to erase the deaths that have been slamming my community for the past week. And in retrospect maybe loud and crowded isn't what I needed. And why was the guy next to me on his phone for the whole thing, while the person in front of me kept getting up to walk in and out of the concert hall?
And afterwards, it felt like everyone in the hall was there to be actively mean to me. Looking at the merchandise table, someone felt the need to push me and tell me that they were in line and I was trying to cheat my way in front of her. I left, so she could buy her damn t-shirt without my heinously offensive presence, and paused on the sidewalk outside the line of traffic to try to collect my cope.... and someone else walked out, went out of their way to shove past me, and made snarky comments about the apparently heinous crime of standing on the sidewalk. And I just fell apart.
I'm not surprised; between still recuperating from sickness, multiple deaths, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and multiple triggers, I was overdue for a PTSD breakdown. And umbran was there to help me through the worst of it. He wrapped me up and coaxed me into moving and shielded me from the people and kept me upright and talked to me as we headed back towards the T station.
And when we were almost there, cutting through the edge of the Commons, we found the labyrinth.
Someone had chalked a labyrinth onto the walking path. Huge and complex and intricate and waiting. And I started walking it. And a few turns in I felt my shoulders relax and a few turns later I could feel myself focus again, and by the time I reached the center I could see the world clearly again, instead of through the lens that told me everyone was attacking me. It wasn't a perfect and instant cure, but it helped more than I thought anything could.
Arnis says we can move the cars and draw a labyrinth on our driveway, in case it helps in the future - and that, if it does, we can paint it there more permanently. I don't know if it'll help in the long run or if this was just a fluke, but I'll try anything....