When There's Nothing Left to Burn [Matt&Elena, 1/1]
Title: When There's Nothing Left to Burn (You Have to Set Yourself on Fire).
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries (TVD).
Pairing(s): Matt/Elena, pre-series.
Rating: PG-13.
Word Count: 1252.
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: I do not own TVD, or any of its characters. :)
It's exhausting to pretend she's still in love with him.
"Still" in love with him, as if she ever was.
He's gentle and kind and sweet, too sweet to deserve what she's putting him through, but it's not like she can stop. She hurts when she looks at him and she's afraid one day he'll see too deep into her eyes and learn the truth behind them. Elena doesn't know what loosing Matt would mean but she's terrified of it all the same, which is why she hasn't had the heart to tell him what's been weighing on her chest for weeks. Bonnie chastises her for it but what can she do?
Matt is a small-town boy and she isn't a small-town girl. It's as simple as that.
He has dreams of going to some local college, she doesn't remember which, and sweeping her off her feet with a white picket fence and two point five children. Or something like that. Elena isn't a homemaker. Elena isn't her mother. But Matt doesn't seem to see the difference--which is exactly why she's pushing him away. He doesn't know her. He doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy, and so he's no longer entertaining a relationship with the real Elena. Whoever she is.
She's standing in front of the mirror wearing a dress far too low-cut for her and all she can do is stare at her reflection, wondering what it is. She gets broody and melodramatic whenever she has a date with Matt; she doesn't even try to hide it anymore. He makes her miserable. Lying makes her miserable.
Elena slips her earrings on and smoothes over the front of her dress, pressing her lips together in a line as the doorbell rings and her mother calls for her.
So she goes downstairs and puts on a smile. Matt kisses her cheek and they go out to his truck, just as they do for every other date, and he holds the door open for her again because he's a perfect gentleman and he thinks she's the girl of his dreams. Maybe she is. She hopes not, for his sake.
The engine is humming and that's the only noise spoken between them for the whole car ride. Elena doesn't have anything to say and he's too shy and nervous, even after a year of dating, to start a conversation. Instead they both stare ahead at the winding road and observe total silence. Elena's thinking about what she'll order for dinner. Matt's thinking about how beautiful she is and how he wishes she'd say something.
The evening passes according to routine.
He kisses her in the car and they're lying in the bed of his truck off to the side of the road. She's staring at the stars as his lips graze her neck. She's closing her eyes and seeing the moon when he slips his hand under her shirt and thumbs her breasts. Dark clouds float on the inside of her eyelids as he takes her nipple in his mouth and swirls it around his tongue.
He's touching her and she feels nothing but discomfort. As it peaks she rolls on top of him and removes her shirt mechanically, her eyes gazing at his but not really seeing him.
Matt strokes her bare chest and abdomen with a childlike wonder. Feigning arousal she closes her eyes and stirs above him. He runs his fingers through her hair and brings her to his mouth, kissing her again.
They've done this several times. They'd had sex twice. Elena thought it would help bring them closer, but it's only affirmed the opposite.
They're existing at the same time but not together.
Matt senses the divide between them and tries to breach it with kisses. He's desperate now because she's slipping away and he can feel it. She's slipping like water right through his fingers and he's powerless to stop it.
His grasp on her bare back is tighter now, more like clinging, and Elena trembles. She looks into his eyes and takes his face in her hands, wordlessly telling him she cares for him. To Matt it feels hollow, like her touch.
To get through the more intimate parts of the evening Elena writes stories in her head. She dreams up the most fantastic of scenarios, distracting herself from what she's really doing. She doesn't notice Matt's head probing between her thighs, or that her lips are parted to make room for the faint gasps that are all part of the act.
Instead she sees a little girl searching for fairies in the woods. Just a cute little girl who has nothing better to do than believe in magic. She doesn't know any better. She's running through the forest--not one nook or cranny goes unexplored by her scrutinizing eyes. Then suddenly she stops, just before a large cave. She sees a dragon fly and mistakes it for a fairy, chasing it all about until she looses sight of it and dissolves into frustrated tears. Elena wants to comfort the girl, give her a happy ending, but the only happy ending she could have would be finding a fairy, and everyone knows fairies don't exist.
When it is over, Elena puts her clothes back on and slips into the passenger seat as Matt revs up the engine. She fusses over her hair and replaces her lip-gloss. She's taking a long time staring into the mirror flap just so she won't have to talk to him.
He knows.
They pull up to the side of the Gilbert house and Elena gives Matt a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks for tonight," she says softly, smiling emptily at him.
"I love you," he says, testing her.
"Love you too," she lies, failing the test and the both know it.
When she gets back to her room she shuts the door and collapses on her bed. She needs to be out of these clothes, out of these shoes, out of this body. It's only after she's showered and put on her pajamas that she feels like herself again, whatever that means.
Herself--a liar, a heartbreaker.
Her cell phone buzzes and it takes all her energy to raise it over her face and read the message.
MATT: Hey, I had a good time tonight.
She sighs. Another test. Will she respond now or leave it till morning?
YOU: Yeah, me too.
She opts to respond now. She doesn't want to fail two tests in one night.
There's a little lull before,
MATT: So I got a job at the grill.
YOU: That's really awesome, Matt!
Now he can foot the bill and she won't feel bad about it.
MATT: We should go out to celebrate, maybe tomorrow?
YOU: Sure, I'd love to.
She wonders how many more dates they're going to have before it's over.
MATT: How about I pick you up at six?
YOU: Sounds good.
"Over" sounds scary.
MATT: I love you.
But that sounds scarier.
YOU: Love you too.
She's off the hook now and tosses her phone on the floor, as far away from her as she can put it. She's staring at the ceiling and wondering how much longer her heart can take this. She's staring at the ceiling and wondering how much longer it'll be before he figures it out for real.
And soon enough she's slipping into sleep because it's exhausting to pretend she's still in love with him, but it's easy to dream.