Wow... It's been forever.
I came to write in this thing because there are a few things I need to get off my chest, that I can't talk to anyone about because it's no ones business and that I feel like if I don't talk about are going to be the seath of me.
I guess right now the biggest one on my mind is my best friend, she means the world to me she really does and I don't know waht I would do without her, we became friends because we both loved JC (how Ironic is that?) and like we got really close. Dispite the fact that she lives in Canada and I live in California.
We talked for about a year and it was so wierd how much of myself I saw in her even though she is almost 3 years younger than me, we think so much alike sometimes that it scares the shit out of me, or the moth of us.
Anyway it seemed like we only got closer after we spent the summer hanging out together, then it's just like something happened.
Suddenly she changed, or I changed.... maybe we both did? But she's 18 now and there that's concidered a legal adult right? so she's doing the things adults do when they first recieve their freedom, shes going out and partying drinking and having a geat time, even though this rubs me the complete wrong way because well my mother and her boy friend are alcoholics.
I understand that she is young and that she needs to be young and not everyone is so old for their age like I am but it doesnt really help my worry factor.
So anyway then I find out that she's got some online boy-toy coming up to Canada to be with her for 2 weeks! Aguy she has never met! Imagine my excitment there eh? I mean I know that she is my best friend and not my daughter but I can't help but worry when she tells me this right?
So he takes something from her that I know she will never see again, something personal and although I know she will regret it in the future I keep my mouth shut, frankly because I am sick and tired of everyone pissing and moaning about how much of a mother figure I am.
So I shut up and bite my tongue even though my insides are screaming, then 2 nights or so after he's in town I get a phone call from her completely plastered off her ass it upset me so bad that I just when I got off the phone with her I went right to bed, even though sleeping was some what of a problem after that.
So then we tend to keep missing eachother because I have to work and well she's got him here so tonight, well tonight we finally talk, and oh my god I'm so like angry and worried and any other emotion you can think of at the moment that I can hardly think straight.
Anytime a sentance starts with "Theres something I need to tell you..." or "ummmm...." You know your in for it, I should of just fuckin signed the hell off.
about 6 or 7 months ago, I talked her out of smoking weed with a friend of hers, now I am definately glad I did, because well at least she got to have those 6 or 7 months before tonight.
She told me that last night everyone was smoking weed and so she did it, and I asked her if she liked it, and she said she liked it better than drinking. And let me tell you she likes drinking a lot. I tell you something, my heart siesed to beat so quick I thought I had died, and part of me wishes that I had.
She told me not to worry and that she wouldn't do it that often and all the other bullshit that I have heard 2 seperate times in my life, and it's not that I don't trust her, because I do. IO just know what that shit does, and its not that I havent tried it, I wont sit here and say that because I have, but i dont see the point in it, i want to be fucking stupid so im going to smoke weed because i cant face up to my reality?!?! is that it?
My father did it, it started out with "I wont do it to often" then less than 2 years later he was so heavy into drugs that we lost everything from my house to my grandfather because of it.
And the same thing with my sister, she was a straight A student in highschool, the smartest person I knew I wanted to be just like her, and not anymore, shes on other things now and I've watched her waste into something I don't even recognize anymore.... it's the most painful thing I have ever been forced to watch in my life, and it all began with "i only do it every once and a while"
so no one can tell me not to fuckin worry, no one can tell me that they have it under control..... it all began with one high and ends up either 6 feet under or in some fucking institution.
My mother use to tell me, "I can compete with any human on this earth but I cannot compete with a substence" and even though now she is an alcoholic herself, I believe in those words.
you know something? Today was probibly one of the worst days I have had in a long time, and that was before all this shit went down, my life has been reduced to shit lately and I don't know how to save myself anymore, or even if i want to, the only reasons I fight seem to be giving up on themselves left and right so why should I stick around for them.
My nephew would have been 13 today, he died when he was just a babym but this day has never been easy for any of us to accept he was the most perfect child god had ever created, and so he took him home.
Then my bird died this morning while I was at work, I told my nieces that their brother wanted a pet for his birthday and they seemed to understand.
Oh and let me not forget how Phil showed up at my work this morning, Phil is a guy who asked me on a date before informing me that he was about to be 30 when I am only 21 and basically put the moves on me a little freakishly, I thought I could avoid him, but then there he was.
Today really has been the day from hell and the saddest part of it all is it's only going to get worse, I'm crumbling before my very own eyes and it's all thanks to the few people in this world I thought I was helpng stay afloat.
Who knows maybe everyone has finally gottwn thier wish and I have fallen off the deep end? or maybe I am just waiting for someone to finish pushing me. I have no where to go, no one to trust or to turn to, and because of it I'm slowly dying, everything I thought I knew is different now, ad everyone I thought I knew, everyone I loved will never be the same again
That is all I just needed to get some shit off my chest, because I don't have anywhere to turn, but now that I'm crying hard enough that I can't even see the keys maybe it's time to stop.... for the moment.
Rosebud
PS. I wrote these this morning, and I didnt think some of them would come in to play so soon:
New Years Resolutions:
1)Make more money
2)Lose 20 pounds
3)Grow my hair long again
4)Stop letting people walk all over me
5)Finish writing my book
6)Remember how to love myself
7)Open up to someone (Fat fucking chance I might add)
8)Stop worrying so much about other people and start worrying more about myself.
9)Find happiness again (so never happening now)
10)Learn to say the word NO.
I guess sometimes everything can't be mened or healed by a voice, and sometimes.... well sometimes no matter how badly we want to we can't stop caring because we are never wrong, and in our hearts we know deep down that something is wrong with the way things have become.
Even if no one is listening.
I guess right now the biggest one on my mind is my best friend, she means the world to me she really does and I don't know waht I would do without her, we became friends because we both loved JC (how Ironic is that?) and like we got really close. Dispite the fact that she lives in Canada and I live in California.
We talked for about a year and it was so wierd how much of myself I saw in her even though she is almost 3 years younger than me, we think so much alike sometimes that it scares the shit out of me, or the moth of us.
Anyway it seemed like we only got closer after we spent the summer hanging out together, then it's just like something happened.
Suddenly she changed, or I changed.... maybe we both did? But she's 18 now and there that's concidered a legal adult right? so she's doing the things adults do when they first recieve their freedom, shes going out and partying drinking and having a geat time, even though this rubs me the complete wrong way because well my mother and her boy friend are alcoholics.
I understand that she is young and that she needs to be young and not everyone is so old for their age like I am but it doesnt really help my worry factor.
So anyway then I find out that she's got some online boy-toy coming up to Canada to be with her for 2 weeks! Aguy she has never met! Imagine my excitment there eh? I mean I know that she is my best friend and not my daughter but I can't help but worry when she tells me this right?
So he takes something from her that I know she will never see again, something personal and although I know she will regret it in the future I keep my mouth shut, frankly because I am sick and tired of everyone pissing and moaning about how much of a mother figure I am.
So I shut up and bite my tongue even though my insides are screaming, then 2 nights or so after he's in town I get a phone call from her completely plastered off her ass it upset me so bad that I just when I got off the phone with her I went right to bed, even though sleeping was some what of a problem after that.
So then we tend to keep missing eachother because I have to work and well she's got him here so tonight, well tonight we finally talk, and oh my god I'm so like angry and worried and any other emotion you can think of at the moment that I can hardly think straight.
Anytime a sentance starts with "Theres something I need to tell you..." or "ummmm...." You know your in for it, I should of just fuckin signed the hell off.
about 6 or 7 months ago, I talked her out of smoking weed with a friend of hers, now I am definately glad I did, because well at least she got to have those 6 or 7 months before tonight.
She told me that last night everyone was smoking weed and so she did it, and I asked her if she liked it, and she said she liked it better than drinking. And let me tell you she likes drinking a lot. I tell you something, my heart siesed to beat so quick I thought I had died, and part of me wishes that I had.
She told me not to worry and that she wouldn't do it that often and all the other bullshit that I have heard 2 seperate times in my life, and it's not that I don't trust her, because I do. IO just know what that shit does, and its not that I havent tried it, I wont sit here and say that because I have, but i dont see the point in it, i want to be fucking stupid so im going to smoke weed because i cant face up to my reality?!?! is that it?
My father did it, it started out with "I wont do it to often" then less than 2 years later he was so heavy into drugs that we lost everything from my house to my grandfather because of it.
And the same thing with my sister, she was a straight A student in highschool, the smartest person I knew I wanted to be just like her, and not anymore, shes on other things now and I've watched her waste into something I don't even recognize anymore.... it's the most painful thing I have ever been forced to watch in my life, and it all began with "i only do it every once and a while"
so no one can tell me not to fuckin worry, no one can tell me that they have it under control..... it all began with one high and ends up either 6 feet under or in some fucking institution.
My mother use to tell me, "I can compete with any human on this earth but I cannot compete with a substence" and even though now she is an alcoholic herself, I believe in those words.
you know something? Today was probibly one of the worst days I have had in a long time, and that was before all this shit went down, my life has been reduced to shit lately and I don't know how to save myself anymore, or even if i want to, the only reasons I fight seem to be giving up on themselves left and right so why should I stick around for them.
My nephew would have been 13 today, he died when he was just a babym but this day has never been easy for any of us to accept he was the most perfect child god had ever created, and so he took him home.
Then my bird died this morning while I was at work, I told my nieces that their brother wanted a pet for his birthday and they seemed to understand.
Oh and let me not forget how Phil showed up at my work this morning, Phil is a guy who asked me on a date before informing me that he was about to be 30 when I am only 21 and basically put the moves on me a little freakishly, I thought I could avoid him, but then there he was.
Today really has been the day from hell and the saddest part of it all is it's only going to get worse, I'm crumbling before my very own eyes and it's all thanks to the few people in this world I thought I was helpng stay afloat.
Who knows maybe everyone has finally gottwn thier wish and I have fallen off the deep end? or maybe I am just waiting for someone to finish pushing me. I have no where to go, no one to trust or to turn to, and because of it I'm slowly dying, everything I thought I knew is different now, ad everyone I thought I knew, everyone I loved will never be the same again
That is all I just needed to get some shit off my chest, because I don't have anywhere to turn, but now that I'm crying hard enough that I can't even see the keys maybe it's time to stop.... for the moment.
Rosebud
PS. I wrote these this morning, and I didnt think some of them would come in to play so soon:
New Years Resolutions:
1)Make more money
2)Lose 20 pounds
3)Grow my hair long again
4)Stop letting people walk all over me
5)Finish writing my book
6)Remember how to love myself
7)Open up to someone (Fat fucking chance I might add)
8)Stop worrying so much about other people and start worrying more about myself.
9)Find happiness again (so never happening now)
10)Learn to say the word NO.
I guess sometimes everything can't be mened or healed by a voice, and sometimes.... well sometimes no matter how badly we want to we can't stop caring because we are never wrong, and in our hearts we know deep down that something is wrong with the way things have become.
Even if no one is listening.