Regretting the past and thankful for the future
Do you ever regret things you have done in the past? Do they seem in someway haunt your inner thoughts even we you try to forget them? It seems like I have been dealing with past alot over the years off and on. I think "what if I had done this instead of that" I always play the thoughts out in my head. It seems ever since Katrina Tony's ex showed up a week ago it has been on my mind alot more. Traveling back in my memories... Tony was my first and only love but I sure as hell didn't treat him like I should have. After we started dating in 1999 I would break up with him 8 months later in late July of 2000..I blamed it on everyone dieing...you would think that with everything going on that I would want someone to talk to and to be by my side when I was down. But I didn't..I dumped him and broke his heart..I was young, dumb and stupid looking back now. I regret what I did to him that day causing him to cry and be heart broken when just the year before Katrina had broke his heart into a million pieces. I went on to live my life and showed interest in others guys but nothing ever happened, I always had Tony on the back of my mind...he never left it. I would call him from time to time to see what he was up to. I remember one time he was sitting in his truck waiting for some people to show up to go into a night club and I remember asking him if he had a girlfriend or even a interest, he would say no that he worked all the time. It the back of my mind I was wondering if he was telling the truth and did have a girlfriend or interest but didn't want to tell him. In the letters he sent me even after we broke up..he always signed it "Love Tony ". In May 2003 I needed up meeting another guy on line named Joe who lived an hour or so from Chattanooga and we started dating within a week of meeting. I was on line one night and saw Tony and I imed him to tell him I had met someone, he said he was happy for me and signed off, needless to say I didn't hear from him for a long while after that. When I traveled to Gulf Shores in July of 2003 with Joe and his whole family, it was not a good trip at all we ended fighting all most the whole time...I was so pissed off that I ended up going to the top floor of the condo and stared out toward where Mobile was once again Tony cross my mind..I thought about trying to call him but I wasn't sure what he would think or even if he would come get me..but I was scared to of what Joe's family would think. I didn't call and looking back now I wonder how different things would be if I did. August 2003 is something that I will regret till the day I'm 6 feet under. Tony has imed me telling me him and his family were coming to Desoto in Fort Payne, AL to vacation and see me.... Well I had Joe get on the computer and tell Tony that I wasn't interested in seeing him...this was the straw that broke the camels back. Tony said "I knew it" and signed off..I didn't seem to care at the time because I had a boyfriend and I was more interested in him then the feelings of a guy that was still very much in love with me an I had no clue. Tony finally signed on line several weeks later..I was at Joe's house and decided to im him to say hi..he told me how he had spent over $1,000 and payed for the entire trip and that I had broke his heart again when all he wanted to do his see me and tell he how he felt...then he said how he cried on the porch...deep down inside it broke my heart..but the damage was already done so I acted like I didn't really care and just said "sorry". Things between Joe and I only got worse, and I started thinking what a huge mistake I had made with Tony and what a bitch I was for the way I had treated him. That year he even sent me a birthday card and Christmas card when I didn't send him anything. After seeing those cards..I knew I had really fucked up but I wanted to try to make things work with Joe. I remember iming Tony one night just to say hi and for some odd reason I asked for his phone number again, which he gave to me and little did I know would change things. In early 2004 things with Joe were at their boiling point and I couldn't take it anymore, he broke up with me then a week a later wanted to get back together I tried but I was done with Joe and he bullshit. We had it out March 3, 2004 and I would never see him again. I needed someone to talk to that night, I tried several friends but no one answered then I saw Tony's number that I had just asked for not maybe a couple of weeks before I was nervous but I hit the send button and it started ringing...I was so surprised when I heard Tony's voice on the other end, he had just gotten off of work. I didn't know what to say other then hey, the first words out of his month were "Is everything ok?" so I told him everything that has happened and he listened with open ears not judging or saying stuff back just listening, he just kept asking if I was ok. I couldn't begin to tell you how happy I was to be talking to him and hearing his wonderful loving voice. I realized that night that I had regained something special and I was a fucking fool if I ever let him slip away again.. Shortly after I remember asking him "Do you love me again? and to my surprise he said "I never stopped loving you even with all the hurt and pain" . Looking back at the past I regret everything I ever did to cause hurt and pain to the love of my life but I also feel lucky and blessed to have Tony in my life and be married to such a wonderful man. He could be chosen not to answer and who knows where we would be today. The past will always be what it is the past but we can either run from it or learn from it. I am choose to learn from it and not make the same mistakes.