Lead the Way - Chapter 075 - Matthew
Matthew. Well that chapter sort of came out of nowhere. Throughout writing Demonology I got the distinct feeling that Emily's relationship to Matthew didn't get as much time as it should have. The writers were too busy with John Cooley and abortions and exorcisms to deal with a strong friendship that came undone.
This would be my attempt at it, then.
Lead the Way - 075 - Matthew
As she walked away from Cooley’s house Emily wondered how long he had been living in the city. Was it coincidence? Did he know that she lived there? They had spoken a couple of times over the years, but one would think that moving to the same city was worth mentioning.
When she looked up she was standing in front of a church. She took out a picture she had of the three of them. Matthew, her and Johnny. 1984, back when everything had seemed possible, the world full of opportunities and unbroken promises. 25 years later the dream was not only over, it was impossible to fall back to sleep.
There was no denying that Matthew had died, that he would never ever come back. She would never feel the comforting touch of his hand or be able to listen to his voice again. Emily decided to go into the church. Coincidentally it was a Catholic church and she lit up a candle for Matthew.
She folded her hands and said a prayer. After all these years she still knew every word. She stared at the candle and whispered softly to it. She pretended that her dead friend could hear her, that she could tell him everything she never had a chance to.
She told him how she had moved to Paris and fallen in love with Amélie. She told him about trying to fit in and dating men. She told him about that fundraiser and what Helena had done to her, how she moved from men to women, never letting anyone in.
She told him about Yale, Rocky and moving to Georgetown; about applying to the academy, meeting Sorina and how she broke her heart. She even told him about Mariella, the one she almost died for, even though she wasn’t supposed to talk about that. She told him about being promoted to the BAU, moving to Washington, meeting Sara.
Emily stopped. Her chest felt constricted, she could no longer breathe. She exhaled slowly and took a tissue out of her pocket. Her nose had started to bleed again.
“Don’t make me tell you about her.” She pleaded with the candle. She knew it was useless. She had to tell the whole story.
“It was my very first day at the BAU. Apparently I had gotten the job because someone hoped I would help them in turn, but I didn’t know that then. All I knew was that I would start the job I had always wanted to do. The job I had been training for.
The unit chief, Agent Hotchner helped Mother out once and he remembered me. That didn’t help though. He said my paper work had gotten lost and it was clear that he wanted nothing more than for me to get lost as well.” She paused for a second making sure no one was there to hear her whisper to a candle.
“A couple of days later I got a call that the team would be back from a case out of town. I impressed Hotch with a profile I’d come up with and I persuaded him that I was fully qualified. I told him that my parents hadn’t pulled any strings, you know how much I hate when they do that. Finally he said I should see maintenance for a desk.
I was so relieved I can’t begin to tell you. The next morning I got my desk and I was told I had to be briefed on protocol and whatnot before I could really start. I asked them who was in charge of that and they pointed me to an office above the bullpen area.
I knocked, opened the door after I heard someone say ‘Come in.’ And finally I saw a woman. I had begun to think that the BAU was a boys’ club. She didn’t even look up. She was cold and distracted.
I asked if she was Agent Jareau. She still didn’t look up but she said that she was and asked what she could do for me. I told her that Agent Anderson had sent me to her office and finally she looked at me. I told her that I was the new addition to her team and would she please brief me on protocol so I could get right on it.
I closed the gap between us, smiling at her. She gave me her hand and I shook it and suddenly she looked right into my eyes. She held onto my hand for the longest time and I felt really uncomfortable. I asked myself if that was some kind of initiation ritual when she finally let go and started telling me about work at the BAU.
She described hers and the profilers’ routines, she talked about safety instructions, protocol and her colleagues. What their lines of expertise where and what I could expect from them. I had noticed how beautiful she was of course. Long, blonde hair, blue eyes, a warm and winning smile.
I didn’t fall in love with her that day, that came much later, but I knew, she would cost me many a night’s sleep. When she came to the electronic equipment, setting up my computer and so on she mentioned another agent. She tried to describe her but when she couldn’t find the right words she told me she’d introduce me right now.
It was just about lunch time and she asked if I wanted to tag along. I said yes, of course and so we went to the most unusual place in the whole building. Agent Jareau, who insisted on being called JJ, opened the door and said:
‘Garcia meet Agent Prentiss…’ I remember as if it was yesterday. Trust me, Matthew, you’d remember too. I didn’t want to be known as Agent Prentiss when everyone else was so friendly, so I said:
‘Emily. Hi.’ I extended my hand, but kept my distance. I knew by experience how technical analysts can get when you get too close to their toys. JJ turned to me saying:
‘Emily meet…’
‘The Queen of this spectacular, sparkling heaven of technology, Supreme Oracle of the realm of all things electronic and High Priestess of information highways, but you may call me Garcia.’
Only then did I take in what I saw. The blonde woman in front of me was flashy to say the least. All these toys in her office, the flower in her hair, the neon shoes, the pen in her hand that kept on ogling me, the glowing trashcan and of course the way she talked. Nothing about Garcia read agent and for the first time I felt like I had finally arrived where I had always wanted to be.
I smiled at her and while taking off my invisible hat and bowing to her I said:
‘It will be my pleasure to worship thee and serve thee as best I can.’ Apparently it was just the right thing to say as I saw her mouth to JJ:
‘I like her already.’”
“I’ve told you this Matthew,” she said after a while, “because I wanted you to know that I had a wonderful life. That I got to be who I am because of you. Everything I am I owe to you. If you hadn’t been there for me, I would have had to marry Johnny. I never would have known that I really wanted a wife not a husband and I would have had to raise more kids. I never would have gone to Yale and become a profiler. Father would probably have sent me off to L’ENA and turned me into one of those trophy wives.
Getting dumber with every passing day where all I’d have to do was plan another fundraiser for toothless, green-specked cockroaches or something just as earth shattering. He would have loved to turn me into the picture he had of me.
You gave me a choice. You gave me a life. And you paid much too high a price for that, Matthew. I wish I could have done something to ease your pain. I just left you behind. A letter every other year doesn’t count. I know that now. But it’s too late.
It’s too late to tell you any of this, it’s too late to get rid of my guilt, it’s too late to get JJ back and it’s certainly too late to be happy. You see, not only did you give up your peace of mind for mine, you did it in vain. I’m sorry I disappointed you again.”
‘You should trust people more often. They might surprise you.’ Rossi’s words echoed in her head. Maybe Matthew’s sacrifice hadn’t been in vain after all, maybe there was something she could take with her from all of this.
This would be my attempt at it, then.
Lead the Way - 075 - Matthew
As she walked away from Cooley’s house Emily wondered how long he had been living in the city. Was it coincidence? Did he know that she lived there? They had spoken a couple of times over the years, but one would think that moving to the same city was worth mentioning.
When she looked up she was standing in front of a church. She took out a picture she had of the three of them. Matthew, her and Johnny. 1984, back when everything had seemed possible, the world full of opportunities and unbroken promises. 25 years later the dream was not only over, it was impossible to fall back to sleep.
There was no denying that Matthew had died, that he would never ever come back. She would never feel the comforting touch of his hand or be able to listen to his voice again. Emily decided to go into the church. Coincidentally it was a Catholic church and she lit up a candle for Matthew.
She folded her hands and said a prayer. After all these years she still knew every word. She stared at the candle and whispered softly to it. She pretended that her dead friend could hear her, that she could tell him everything she never had a chance to.
She told him how she had moved to Paris and fallen in love with Amélie. She told him about trying to fit in and dating men. She told him about that fundraiser and what Helena had done to her, how she moved from men to women, never letting anyone in.
She told him about Yale, Rocky and moving to Georgetown; about applying to the academy, meeting Sorina and how she broke her heart. She even told him about Mariella, the one she almost died for, even though she wasn’t supposed to talk about that. She told him about being promoted to the BAU, moving to Washington, meeting Sara.
Emily stopped. Her chest felt constricted, she could no longer breathe. She exhaled slowly and took a tissue out of her pocket. Her nose had started to bleed again.
“Don’t make me tell you about her.” She pleaded with the candle. She knew it was useless. She had to tell the whole story.
“It was my very first day at the BAU. Apparently I had gotten the job because someone hoped I would help them in turn, but I didn’t know that then. All I knew was that I would start the job I had always wanted to do. The job I had been training for.
The unit chief, Agent Hotchner helped Mother out once and he remembered me. That didn’t help though. He said my paper work had gotten lost and it was clear that he wanted nothing more than for me to get lost as well.” She paused for a second making sure no one was there to hear her whisper to a candle.
“A couple of days later I got a call that the team would be back from a case out of town. I impressed Hotch with a profile I’d come up with and I persuaded him that I was fully qualified. I told him that my parents hadn’t pulled any strings, you know how much I hate when they do that. Finally he said I should see maintenance for a desk.
I was so relieved I can’t begin to tell you. The next morning I got my desk and I was told I had to be briefed on protocol and whatnot before I could really start. I asked them who was in charge of that and they pointed me to an office above the bullpen area.
I knocked, opened the door after I heard someone say ‘Come in.’ And finally I saw a woman. I had begun to think that the BAU was a boys’ club. She didn’t even look up. She was cold and distracted.
I asked if she was Agent Jareau. She still didn’t look up but she said that she was and asked what she could do for me. I told her that Agent Anderson had sent me to her office and finally she looked at me. I told her that I was the new addition to her team and would she please brief me on protocol so I could get right on it.
I closed the gap between us, smiling at her. She gave me her hand and I shook it and suddenly she looked right into my eyes. She held onto my hand for the longest time and I felt really uncomfortable. I asked myself if that was some kind of initiation ritual when she finally let go and started telling me about work at the BAU.
She described hers and the profilers’ routines, she talked about safety instructions, protocol and her colleagues. What their lines of expertise where and what I could expect from them. I had noticed how beautiful she was of course. Long, blonde hair, blue eyes, a warm and winning smile.
I didn’t fall in love with her that day, that came much later, but I knew, she would cost me many a night’s sleep. When she came to the electronic equipment, setting up my computer and so on she mentioned another agent. She tried to describe her but when she couldn’t find the right words she told me she’d introduce me right now.
It was just about lunch time and she asked if I wanted to tag along. I said yes, of course and so we went to the most unusual place in the whole building. Agent Jareau, who insisted on being called JJ, opened the door and said:
‘Garcia meet Agent Prentiss…’ I remember as if it was yesterday. Trust me, Matthew, you’d remember too. I didn’t want to be known as Agent Prentiss when everyone else was so friendly, so I said:
‘Emily. Hi.’ I extended my hand, but kept my distance. I knew by experience how technical analysts can get when you get too close to their toys. JJ turned to me saying:
‘Emily meet…’
‘The Queen of this spectacular, sparkling heaven of technology, Supreme Oracle of the realm of all things electronic and High Priestess of information highways, but you may call me Garcia.’
Only then did I take in what I saw. The blonde woman in front of me was flashy to say the least. All these toys in her office, the flower in her hair, the neon shoes, the pen in her hand that kept on ogling me, the glowing trashcan and of course the way she talked. Nothing about Garcia read agent and for the first time I felt like I had finally arrived where I had always wanted to be.
I smiled at her and while taking off my invisible hat and bowing to her I said:
‘It will be my pleasure to worship thee and serve thee as best I can.’ Apparently it was just the right thing to say as I saw her mouth to JJ:
‘I like her already.’”
“I’ve told you this Matthew,” she said after a while, “because I wanted you to know that I had a wonderful life. That I got to be who I am because of you. Everything I am I owe to you. If you hadn’t been there for me, I would have had to marry Johnny. I never would have known that I really wanted a wife not a husband and I would have had to raise more kids. I never would have gone to Yale and become a profiler. Father would probably have sent me off to L’ENA and turned me into one of those trophy wives.
Getting dumber with every passing day where all I’d have to do was plan another fundraiser for toothless, green-specked cockroaches or something just as earth shattering. He would have loved to turn me into the picture he had of me.
You gave me a choice. You gave me a life. And you paid much too high a price for that, Matthew. I wish I could have done something to ease your pain. I just left you behind. A letter every other year doesn’t count. I know that now. But it’s too late.
It’s too late to tell you any of this, it’s too late to get rid of my guilt, it’s too late to get JJ back and it’s certainly too late to be happy. You see, not only did you give up your peace of mind for mine, you did it in vain. I’m sorry I disappointed you again.”
‘You should trust people more often. They might surprise you.’ Rossi’s words echoed in her head. Maybe Matthew’s sacrifice hadn’t been in vain after all, maybe there was something she could take with her from all of this.