(no subject)
Wow...I seem to notice this trend in which I totally forget Livejournal and then I randomly pick it up again after four month intervals of not using it. I guess I just get caught up in other things. I don't write much about how I feel anymore...though I should. Everytime I get a problem or something, I just rant and rave to Ryan about it and then he somehow makes me eventually forget itand it's not an issue anymore until it happens again or something weird. But I guess Ryan's asleep now, as are all my friends...so I suppose this would be a perfect time to fill up the empty space.
Current Nicities:
1. I got my license on August 8th.
2. I got my hair cut and dyed.
But now let's see what's on my mind....hm... I've been thinking just awhile ago how it's been so long since I've created something meaningful. Like a drawing or a poem or something. I sit on this computer and look through these sites of people's works and photographs and beautiful works...and I'm jealous of them. But the thing is that I'm so very capable of doing these things and making things just as good, but for some reason I'm not. Maybe this whole thought here is connecting to the fact that I guess...I'm feeling really useless. All summer I've watched a lot of my life go by and I'm realizing how much time I waste. I'm going to be seventeen years old in less than a month...I'm not going to be a child much longer at all. Everything I've been looking forward to as a kid is all coming at me all of the sudden. It's so weird. I mean, I haven't lived so long, but it just seems like time went by really fast just now. Just think, in a year from today...I will be less than a month away from being a legal adult. It's kind of freaking me out a little. But back to the whole "useless" thing... I sit around way too much. There's so much I could be doing with my time and my summer but I never spend it wisely until last minute. I could've had so many days with my best friends Devan or Rachel...but I'm just to stubborn to call them I guess...I always have some reason not to. I mean, I don't even see Ryan that often either...and he's the person I see and talk to the most. But that's not my fault...it's the whole distance thing...plus my mom isn't the peachiest person in the world when it comes to me seeing people. But whatever... I feel really bad about myself...I kind of let myself go. I sat around so much and I have eaten basically 85% crap food all summer without exercising. My weight has really been catching up again. Ever since I found out my grandma had cancer my body weight hasn't been the best. I've gained 13lbs. since January. That's not cool for me, I already felt fat for some reason before, so now I'm flipping out about it. I've been trying to exercise a little here and there but it's not consistant enough. I feel horrible about this. Heh...what's even funnier is that I don't have a gym class this year. Good Luck to me....But I'm thinking that if I get busy enough, I'll start practically starving myself and eating like a bird again because I'll work really hard. I feel really good when I work really hard. Not like break a sweat work....but like, having a million things to do in one day and accomplishing them. Like last year...I had school from 7:20-2:45, Breakfast club practice from 3:00-5:30, work from 6:00-10:00 somtimes 10:30. Basically, if I had homework I was screwed, so I HAD to get it done asap in class. I didn't get to bed until 12:00 at the latest and I was awake at 6:00 if I slept good. Sometimes waking earlier for no apparent reason. It was a stressful day, but it kept me in shape. I was constantly doing something and for some reason I was never hungry. I fed off my drive to get through everyday. Soooo I hope I'm busy again. This is why I hate summer...I don't have a mmillion things I have to do. I have the option of being lazy and doing what I want and talking on the phone all day if I want...but I need something to do. But that makes it hard because I can't have hot conditions otherwise I overheat and the sun is definately not a freind of mine, so I don't do outside work...which is basically all my grandma likes to do. I get all the house work done though everyday. But it only keeps me busy for an hour. I've been really depressed most of the summer and I just sit and I eat and I sit on my ass. *Sigh* So yes...I'm going to come out and say it. I really hate myself right now. My waist has gotten thicker and my jeans have gotten tight...I hate it so much. I'm trying to exercise, I'm trying to eat better....but it's so hard because I don't have anyone to encourage me. I hate how people lie to me and say that I'm not fat. How can you tell me that when I can measure a difference in myself....I almost weigh 150lbs., I used to be 135lbs. And it doesn't make it better that Bryanna is a cheerleader now and is loosing weight because of it. She used to weigh a lot more than me and now she's starting to weigh just as much as I do with her big boobs and everything. I can't use big boobs as my excuse! It's all in my stomach. And then Devan is loosing a lot of weight supposively of some meds. I'm going to look like a cow next to her. *sigh* I know that nobody is perfect and everything like that...but I can't be happy with this up-to-date version of me. I hated the way I looked back in January but I still much prefer the 135 over 148. I need help. I want to feel better and go back to "normal" me.
Eh, on a different note. I felt really bad the other day. I caught Ryan lying to me the other day. But it was over something kind of dumb and I got reallly furious and took it in a dramatic direction. I told him not to talk to this one girl because she seemed to like him. And he did for awhile. And I don't know how I get it, but I can just sense when things aren't right. After I went through my entire process of finding out I called to get the story out of him and supposively she started talking to him again because she was "cutting" herself. And I didn't know she started talking to him again...he changed his myspace password so I wouldn't find out. He didn't want to be mean to her, because as I know Ry, he likes to help people and make them feel better. But when I first hacked into his mail I didn't take anything into concern but the first thought: CHEATING. I know Ryan better than that. He loves me more than anything else in the world. I know for a fact. And I also know he would never lie to me. But he just thought I'd get super pissed over the whole fact she was talking to him. I mean yeah, I would've been hurt a little but I would've maybe gave some sympathy toward it and I wouldn't break up with him for it like he thought I would...but I guess I understand why he lied if it's put in that circumstance. But the weirdest part is that he is glad that I did it. I read the most recent of the letters that he hadn't opened yet and she said "I love you"...and that girl damn well knows about me and she totally crossed a line and now he knows for sure he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. She could've ruined our relationship and that is the #1 thing to Ryan and I...each other. I felt so horrible that night I called him. He had to get up at 6:00 and I called him at 2:00am and talk about it until about 3:45. But that's obviously not the reason I felt bad. For the first time in many years, Ryan cried. He felt so bad for hurting me and he thought that I was going to end it all. But that's the last thing I ever want to do. And I know he's sorry...I could just tell. It hurt me inside to hear his voice getting quiet and his breath so short...it was different for me to hear him more upset than any other time I've been there for him. So it's weird to calculate it this way...but I am truly his weakness and I hurt him for a little while. The next evening I called him and he said he couldn't go back to sleep. And then the next evening he barely slept much at all. *Sigh* I'm getting tired. But if nothing seems to make sense, the long story short is that I'm a jealous girlfriend, my boyfriend is a somewhat naive nice guy, and this girl is trying to steal my boyfriend...Ry and I will do anything in our powers to be together and keep things right between each other. So the problem is fixed now and the only reason I wrote is because I just have bad after thoughts about my actions and the way things went through. But now he knows never to lie about anything ever again...because I will find out. As for the honesty vs. trust issue with him. I still trust him...because I told him that we have to talk about everything and communicate or we will never work, and personally, I don't want anymore liars in my life. End of sentence, period.
Good Night, and I'll try to start posting again.
Luff, Me
Current Nicities:
1. I got my license on August 8th.
2. I got my hair cut and dyed.
But now let's see what's on my mind....hm... I've been thinking just awhile ago how it's been so long since I've created something meaningful. Like a drawing or a poem or something. I sit on this computer and look through these sites of people's works and photographs and beautiful works...and I'm jealous of them. But the thing is that I'm so very capable of doing these things and making things just as good, but for some reason I'm not. Maybe this whole thought here is connecting to the fact that I guess...I'm feeling really useless. All summer I've watched a lot of my life go by and I'm realizing how much time I waste. I'm going to be seventeen years old in less than a month...I'm not going to be a child much longer at all. Everything I've been looking forward to as a kid is all coming at me all of the sudden. It's so weird. I mean, I haven't lived so long, but it just seems like time went by really fast just now. Just think, in a year from today...I will be less than a month away from being a legal adult. It's kind of freaking me out a little. But back to the whole "useless" thing... I sit around way too much. There's so much I could be doing with my time and my summer but I never spend it wisely until last minute. I could've had so many days with my best friends Devan or Rachel...but I'm just to stubborn to call them I guess...I always have some reason not to. I mean, I don't even see Ryan that often either...and he's the person I see and talk to the most. But that's not my fault...it's the whole distance thing...plus my mom isn't the peachiest person in the world when it comes to me seeing people. But whatever... I feel really bad about myself...I kind of let myself go. I sat around so much and I have eaten basically 85% crap food all summer without exercising. My weight has really been catching up again. Ever since I found out my grandma had cancer my body weight hasn't been the best. I've gained 13lbs. since January. That's not cool for me, I already felt fat for some reason before, so now I'm flipping out about it. I've been trying to exercise a little here and there but it's not consistant enough. I feel horrible about this. Heh...what's even funnier is that I don't have a gym class this year. Good Luck to me....But I'm thinking that if I get busy enough, I'll start practically starving myself and eating like a bird again because I'll work really hard. I feel really good when I work really hard. Not like break a sweat work....but like, having a million things to do in one day and accomplishing them. Like last year...I had school from 7:20-2:45, Breakfast club practice from 3:00-5:30, work from 6:00-10:00 somtimes 10:30. Basically, if I had homework I was screwed, so I HAD to get it done asap in class. I didn't get to bed until 12:00 at the latest and I was awake at 6:00 if I slept good. Sometimes waking earlier for no apparent reason. It was a stressful day, but it kept me in shape. I was constantly doing something and for some reason I was never hungry. I fed off my drive to get through everyday. Soooo I hope I'm busy again. This is why I hate summer...I don't have a mmillion things I have to do. I have the option of being lazy and doing what I want and talking on the phone all day if I want...but I need something to do. But that makes it hard because I can't have hot conditions otherwise I overheat and the sun is definately not a freind of mine, so I don't do outside work...which is basically all my grandma likes to do. I get all the house work done though everyday. But it only keeps me busy for an hour. I've been really depressed most of the summer and I just sit and I eat and I sit on my ass. *Sigh* So yes...I'm going to come out and say it. I really hate myself right now. My waist has gotten thicker and my jeans have gotten tight...I hate it so much. I'm trying to exercise, I'm trying to eat better....but it's so hard because I don't have anyone to encourage me. I hate how people lie to me and say that I'm not fat. How can you tell me that when I can measure a difference in myself....I almost weigh 150lbs., I used to be 135lbs. And it doesn't make it better that Bryanna is a cheerleader now and is loosing weight because of it. She used to weigh a lot more than me and now she's starting to weigh just as much as I do with her big boobs and everything. I can't use big boobs as my excuse! It's all in my stomach. And then Devan is loosing a lot of weight supposively of some meds. I'm going to look like a cow next to her. *sigh* I know that nobody is perfect and everything like that...but I can't be happy with this up-to-date version of me. I hated the way I looked back in January but I still much prefer the 135 over 148. I need help. I want to feel better and go back to "normal" me.
Eh, on a different note. I felt really bad the other day. I caught Ryan lying to me the other day. But it was over something kind of dumb and I got reallly furious and took it in a dramatic direction. I told him not to talk to this one girl because she seemed to like him. And he did for awhile. And I don't know how I get it, but I can just sense when things aren't right. After I went through my entire process of finding out I called to get the story out of him and supposively she started talking to him again because she was "cutting" herself. And I didn't know she started talking to him again...he changed his myspace password so I wouldn't find out. He didn't want to be mean to her, because as I know Ry, he likes to help people and make them feel better. But when I first hacked into his mail I didn't take anything into concern but the first thought: CHEATING. I know Ryan better than that. He loves me more than anything else in the world. I know for a fact. And I also know he would never lie to me. But he just thought I'd get super pissed over the whole fact she was talking to him. I mean yeah, I would've been hurt a little but I would've maybe gave some sympathy toward it and I wouldn't break up with him for it like he thought I would...but I guess I understand why he lied if it's put in that circumstance. But the weirdest part is that he is glad that I did it. I read the most recent of the letters that he hadn't opened yet and she said "I love you"...and that girl damn well knows about me and she totally crossed a line and now he knows for sure he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. She could've ruined our relationship and that is the #1 thing to Ryan and I...each other. I felt so horrible that night I called him. He had to get up at 6:00 and I called him at 2:00am and talk about it until about 3:45. But that's obviously not the reason I felt bad. For the first time in many years, Ryan cried. He felt so bad for hurting me and he thought that I was going to end it all. But that's the last thing I ever want to do. And I know he's sorry...I could just tell. It hurt me inside to hear his voice getting quiet and his breath so short...it was different for me to hear him more upset than any other time I've been there for him. So it's weird to calculate it this way...but I am truly his weakness and I hurt him for a little while. The next evening I called him and he said he couldn't go back to sleep. And then the next evening he barely slept much at all. *Sigh* I'm getting tired. But if nothing seems to make sense, the long story short is that I'm a jealous girlfriend, my boyfriend is a somewhat naive nice guy, and this girl is trying to steal my boyfriend...Ry and I will do anything in our powers to be together and keep things right between each other. So the problem is fixed now and the only reason I wrote is because I just have bad after thoughts about my actions and the way things went through. But now he knows never to lie about anything ever again...because I will find out. As for the honesty vs. trust issue with him. I still trust him...because I told him that we have to talk about everything and communicate or we will never work, and personally, I don't want anymore liars in my life. End of sentence, period.
Good Night, and I'll try to start posting again.
Luff, Me