(no subject)
I have finally come to the realization that I have not been happy for a long time. I haven't really been happy since I was in elementary school. My first year of middle school was great, but everything went downhill from there. Which is when we moved to TN. It started earlier though, in 4th grade I developed the social anxiety crap. But I wasn't totally isolated, like I am now. When I was in TN the social anxiety crap just intensified, being afraid of all the people, not being able to recognize anyone. It was in TN that I started having to sit alone at lunch. I was in a room with hundreds of other people, yet I was totally alone and invisible. Even coming back to GA didn't fix it all. In highschool I always sat alone, as well. Unless Leah was their. She only had the same lunch period as me for one semester. I always tried to sit somewhere so I was out of peoples way...sometimes people would ask me to move, or say that the seat was 'saved' for someone else, and I would always comply. No one ever spoke to me. I would just eat quickly, throw my trash away, then go into the lobby area where there were only ever 4 other people max. Even sitting in the classroom, even though 29 people were in the room...one in front, one in back..one at each side...I was still alone. During free times I would just stare at my desk for a while. Being ignored by a thousand people everyday really gets to you. I wish I could have stayed in regular school, but I just couldn't deal with it anymore. Even after Charter....a 5 day stint in an institution can't cure yer ass. After Charter a lot of the non social things lessened quite a bit. Some even went away. Charter couldn't fix my self-confidence, allay my pervasive fear of people, or make me less reserved...or cure my timid heart. It's not that I don't like people, I just wish they would like me. I just wish someone would approach me and talk. Someone just to ask me my name and how I am, anyone would do. Why can't people see that I'm alone, not by choice, but because I'm scared? Why don't people want to approach me and say something just to brighten my day? Aren't there people like that? People that don't just stand by watching a person suffer from their nueroses? I'm not afraid because I want to be. I can't help it. I just can't seem to overcome it. I'm not shy because I want to be, I'm just scared. I don't want to be this way. I wish I felt different, but for some reason I don't. I can't change my personality or fix problems caused by chemicals in my brain. I can't be anyone else but me. But 'me' doesn't seem good enough for anyone.