(no subject)
Too much happened today and it all ended in hysterical crying on my floor. Curled up in a ball and silently screaming. I set myself up though. Things start going all right. Things start seeming like they're getting better. But I'm only setting myself up for a bigger fall.
It's gone on for weeks now more or less on and off but still in the back of my head. I don't know where this pain comes from. If I make it up in my head. But it gets more powerful the more I set myself up. Is it that I'm a perfectionist. That I'm too idealist. That I expect more out of people than is fair?
Either which way a psychologist would say it's me. It's how I interpret my reality. That's probably what the speaker in the staff meeting today would have said. She also said clinical depression lasts more than three days. Everyone else who experiences depression will get through it in three days. I can't. I am completely immobile when it hits. I can't protect myself from it.
And I can't cry to anyone. They all think fine you feel like shit but don't bring me down. I guard my emotions. It's what people do. It's what's acceptable. We all are suppose to act a certain way. We all have an ideal and you just don't fit it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself you whore. And if you feel this way fine. I won't come crying to you. Live life without feeling something for someone else. I don't need your sympathy. It does nothing to feel my pain. People hate to see people cry.
And if there was anyone who would care it wouldn't help. I've given up. But don't mock me for that. don't mock me for giving up. People at work mock me for being so sullen and ignore me or mock me. Just like at school. When I felt the worst about myself they ridicule me. As I become more and more a joke by lack of social graces the more they mock me and ignore my pain. How do you not notice someone crying.
We had our staff meeting today and got to say nice things about other people. And that was nice. I tried to be genuine but I was ackward about it and people didn't respond well which could be an understatement or overstatement. How would I know if I'm this psycho. Either way I got a short nice comment. I didn't really hear it well. The girl couldn't say anything mean about me. She had too say something nice...
Wierd thing just happened now. More reason for me to hate Joe. Melissa came in screaming at my Mom because she had to call Joe's house because Melissa didn't tell her where she was going. She said you don't have to worry I'm not a whore like you I'm not going to have sex with him. Not smart. But then what do I know.
Anyway I have to go be big sister now. ..
Back. I don't think I helped tho. I told her no one's mad at her. It's just that no one knew where she was, that's why we called. I don't think I comforted her. But I stopped crying now. I guess because I feel pretty fucking ridiculous crying when my sister is so upset. Is that unhealthy? To forget what I'm feeling to deal with something else. There's something good to stick in my sub-conscious. Can't deal with my silly made up pain right now.
Melissa's still in the bathroom. I don't know what to do. I hate Joe tho. He has no self control and I've never seen my sister this volital before. I don't like the ideas he puts in her head. Maybe she is just embarrassed that's why she had such a huge outburst like that. Still I don't like him for my sister. He has no self-control. He doesn't have limits.
And I'm afraid he's using my sister for fix his own emotional needs rather than respecting her and watching out for her best interest not his neediness. I'm not sure any of this is happening. But I suspect it. And my instincts are not to trust him.
Going back to try to talk to Melissa...
Melissa went in the bathroom and I heard her muttering 'I have to die, I have to die.' So after trying to get the door open for ten mintues with a tiny metal stick I got my dad and he got it open. And we tried to talk to her. Then we got her to get up and come into my room.
I talked to her for about 20 minutes. It tried to be realistic and tell the truth. But I'm afraid she feels like I betrayed her because I want't saying my Mom was a whore that's why she called to check in cause she thought you were screwing around like she did. I said just dating people doesn't make you a whore.
And I told her the only problem was no one knew where she was. And it worried us. So now she probably hates me too. Maybe we should have just watched tv. But I didn't want her to just shrug away her problems like I do. I wanted to tell her what's really going on. That no one is really mad and she has a good family although we have our problems. She left probably hating me.
I'll try again before she goes to sleep. Right now I'm going to fix her dinner...
It's gone on for weeks now more or less on and off but still in the back of my head. I don't know where this pain comes from. If I make it up in my head. But it gets more powerful the more I set myself up. Is it that I'm a perfectionist. That I'm too idealist. That I expect more out of people than is fair?
Either which way a psychologist would say it's me. It's how I interpret my reality. That's probably what the speaker in the staff meeting today would have said. She also said clinical depression lasts more than three days. Everyone else who experiences depression will get through it in three days. I can't. I am completely immobile when it hits. I can't protect myself from it.
And I can't cry to anyone. They all think fine you feel like shit but don't bring me down. I guard my emotions. It's what people do. It's what's acceptable. We all are suppose to act a certain way. We all have an ideal and you just don't fit it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself you whore. And if you feel this way fine. I won't come crying to you. Live life without feeling something for someone else. I don't need your sympathy. It does nothing to feel my pain. People hate to see people cry.
And if there was anyone who would care it wouldn't help. I've given up. But don't mock me for that. don't mock me for giving up. People at work mock me for being so sullen and ignore me or mock me. Just like at school. When I felt the worst about myself they ridicule me. As I become more and more a joke by lack of social graces the more they mock me and ignore my pain. How do you not notice someone crying.
We had our staff meeting today and got to say nice things about other people. And that was nice. I tried to be genuine but I was ackward about it and people didn't respond well which could be an understatement or overstatement. How would I know if I'm this psycho. Either way I got a short nice comment. I didn't really hear it well. The girl couldn't say anything mean about me. She had too say something nice...
Wierd thing just happened now. More reason for me to hate Joe. Melissa came in screaming at my Mom because she had to call Joe's house because Melissa didn't tell her where she was going. She said you don't have to worry I'm not a whore like you I'm not going to have sex with him. Not smart. But then what do I know.
Anyway I have to go be big sister now. ..
Back. I don't think I helped tho. I told her no one's mad at her. It's just that no one knew where she was, that's why we called. I don't think I comforted her. But I stopped crying now. I guess because I feel pretty fucking ridiculous crying when my sister is so upset. Is that unhealthy? To forget what I'm feeling to deal with something else. There's something good to stick in my sub-conscious. Can't deal with my silly made up pain right now.
Melissa's still in the bathroom. I don't know what to do. I hate Joe tho. He has no self control and I've never seen my sister this volital before. I don't like the ideas he puts in her head. Maybe she is just embarrassed that's why she had such a huge outburst like that. Still I don't like him for my sister. He has no self-control. He doesn't have limits.
And I'm afraid he's using my sister for fix his own emotional needs rather than respecting her and watching out for her best interest not his neediness. I'm not sure any of this is happening. But I suspect it. And my instincts are not to trust him.
Going back to try to talk to Melissa...
Melissa went in the bathroom and I heard her muttering 'I have to die, I have to die.' So after trying to get the door open for ten mintues with a tiny metal stick I got my dad and he got it open. And we tried to talk to her. Then we got her to get up and come into my room.
I talked to her for about 20 minutes. It tried to be realistic and tell the truth. But I'm afraid she feels like I betrayed her because I want't saying my Mom was a whore that's why she called to check in cause she thought you were screwing around like she did. I said just dating people doesn't make you a whore.
And I told her the only problem was no one knew where she was. And it worried us. So now she probably hates me too. Maybe we should have just watched tv. But I didn't want her to just shrug away her problems like I do. I wanted to tell her what's really going on. That no one is really mad and she has a good family although we have our problems. She left probably hating me.
I'll try again before she goes to sleep. Right now I'm going to fix her dinner...