To Kaite and Jeff
At 11:00, I moseyed over to Worcester to have my classic lunch with Jeff, and who did I run into but Megan! So lunch turned into a hot four person affair (me, J1 + J2, and Megan) It was cool, I wish it would happen every day. And now!! After that, I finished off my classes, did a crappy email assignment, napped briefly, then launched off into a mission for FUN with Kaite!! The 22nd was Jeff's birthday ya see, so we hit up the Dollar Tree for some gifts, and Stop & Shop for cupcakes. Then we joined up with the birthday man himself, as well as Nick, John (who I haven't hung out with in so long!!!), Kaite's friend Tiffany, and 3 of Tiffany's friends who didn't really talk to us, ever. I think our obnoxious blowing of noisemakers and my joke about an antenna being up John's ass kinda turned them off. One of them seemed really snotty and always looked displeased with something.
Our destination: Friendly's. Once we were seated, which wasn't for a little while since there were 9 of us, Kaite & I presented Jeff with our amazing gifts of (1) "A surprise bag for a boy!" which contained an army / sniper looking guy, crayons and markers, a crappy ball, and some other junk (2) "A surprise bag for a girl!" which contained a little doll, candy, hair elastics, and more cheap art supplies (3) a bag of plastic body parts (4) a heart shaped thing that expanded into a towel when submerged in warm water (5) a plastic microphone, which I took many pictures of us playing with. Dinner was full of many amusing happenings, including Tiffany knocking over her drink when she raised her arms to lead us in singing Happy Birthday, two fat women making it disgustingly obvious that they were watching our antics, and Jeff being insane about coffee and putting his hair in pigtails.
Written on 11/23/2003
Dear Kaite and Jeff,
The above is just one of the countless memories of the three of us that I was wise enough to record in writing and photos. It's memories like those and friends like you that make my life and heart so full.
I thought LJ would be a better place than a card to share my thoughts with you on your wedding day. After all, this was the place we chose to share so many feelings before.
Kaite: You are a forever friend, no doubt. I can't believe I have Megan Melanson of all people to thank for our friendship. My first impression was that we would be an unlikely matchup. Dressed in sweatpants with your hair in a bun, you looked like a "typical college girl," but your love of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Homestar Runner, The Simpsons, and your sharp wit and snark proved you were anything but. You were clear about who you were, what you liked, and what you wanted, and I envied that as a socially anxious person who sometimes let doubt get the best of her.
Although you've never been the type to pour your *~~feelings~~* all over the place, you've never backed away from me when I've done it. On the contrary, you've used those moments to draw closer and act as a solid foundation during whatever tumult I was going through. I used to be very concerned about people abandoning me if I got too emotional or said something wrong. You did a lot to erase those fears by expressing empathy and support, keeping me grounded when I started flying off the rails, making jokes, and offering to just listen. You've said on more than one occasion, "I feel bad because I suck at giving advice." The very ways in which you behave with a friend like me during an emotional time are, in themselves, the clearest and most helpful advice.
You're strong in areas where I'm weak, which has personally benefitted me in many ways as well as allowed me to have experiences I wouldn't have had on my own. Your outgoing and driven nature took me to my first club (after David passed the bar), concert (Travis), and $2.22 breakfast at the crack of dawn. Your discipline helped balance out my outrageous procrastination by saying, "Sorry, I have to______" when I invited you to do something I didn't have time for, either. Your level-headedness guided me calmly but firmly out of a bar bathroom while I was puking my brains out and got me home without judgement. Your ability to be an active friend scheduled so many meetups and hangouts between us that there was no way our friendship could have cooled.
Speaking of that, here's an apology section: generally speaking, I've been the lazy asshole in this relationship. Nobody likes it when THEY have to be the one to reach out EVERY TIME, and I really think you took on that burden. There were times when we went weeks without even talking, and then you'd call and suggest we get lunch or something. I'm sorry that I didn't do that more for you, and I'm sorry if I still don't do it enough. Maybe I just started to rely on you too much, or I got too comfortable, feeling like you'd always be there and didn't need the TLC that every human in a relationship needs. I don't know, but I am truly blessed that you see me as a person who is worth the effort.
I'm also truly thankful to have seen you come to believe that YOU are worth the effort. I couldn't count the number of times you said, "No one will marry me because I'm a bitch," or "I'm a bitch," or "I'll always be alone," or some other combination of you being a bitch and alone. You had said it so many times that I was sure you believed it, and it broke my heart. For real! There was nothing I could say to change your mind. I felt like this was one area where I was just helpless to do anything for you, and I loathed the feeling. Then, after you and Jeff got together, you started posting sappy things on Facebook, talking about marriage, using heart-shaped emojis, and just talking with a lighter tone about love and the future. It was a total transformation that I excitedly remarked about to everyone. I can't take credit for it, but I made sure to encourage it! I'll keep encouraging it because it's what you've always deserved, and you wear positivity and joy so well.
You are just a genuine soul. When you get happy or excited for me, it's pure and untainted by jealousy or alterior motives. When you offer your support, you mean it...you really WOULD rush to my side (like when Joey dumped me). When you say, "I hate seeing you sad," you aren't just telling me something you think I want to hear. When you give me your opinion, it's a real opinion, not something packaged in a way that will just feed my ego (although of course, you are diplomatic about it). There's nothing that comes from you that isn't true. There's nothing about you that I don't believe.
PS: I couldn't be more stoked to have such an awesome aunt waiting for my son. Maybe it sounds silly, but every time you talk about how you can't wait to babysit and so on, I feel a little burst of happiness and can't help but smile. You're the one person in my life who talks so excitedly about that. Of course, my mom and others are excited and show it in different ways, but you've perfected a straightforward delivery of feelings and truth through words. Simply saying, "OMG I'm going to babysit the shit out of that kid!!" is just as--if not more--effective than some flowery metaphorical crap with fancy sentence structure that Jeff or I might think up.
Jeff: Without question, you were my best friend during the early years of college. We used to stay up chatting on AIM til the sun rose, then pull down the shades and continue chatting. To be able to share that kind of open, thoughtful, and deep conversation with someone is a rare thing, and something I badly needed after my last year of high school, which saw the loss of my closest friends. (That was a cumbersome sentence, but I'm leaving it.)
You've occasionally gone on rants about how terrible you are, in a tone like nothing could convince you otherwise. I really want to offer myself as a living counterpoint, because I developed who I am through my friendship and experience with you. You supported me and also needed my support. That meant I was able to grow stronger even when I was not feeling very strong myself. Our conversations can be sophisticated or purely nonsensical; we can share honest fears about the future or pictures of cartoon ghosts on Facebook. In other words, I can be who I need or want to be around you. If I forget some side of myself, I know you can remind me. You're like The Giver of the undergrad era or some shit.
Which is not to say that you've lost relevancy since college ended, oh no. It's difficult to put into words, but it's like I see who you were and who you are, and you see who I was and who I am, and between those two entities are all the great, wonderful, painful changes that have occurred; we keep them all alive with our friendship. I want them to stay alive. Even more than that, I feel so glad at the thought of adding more in between what was and what is. Your marriage to Kaite. Children. New jobs, trips, and interests. Books, pets, ghosts, hairstyles, and more.
That said, there have been times when I wanted the past and our past selves to live perhaps a little too much. I've had a lot of selfish feelings and probably still do. When Kaite and I staged that friendship intervention with you in the car on the way to drop you off at that creepy-ass house you rented towards the end of college, I was angry and hurt because I felt like you weren't being the friend I wanted anymore. I put my own needs before yours, forbidding you to change. I used to be so possessive of people, fearing they would leave. As if telling someone they owed me friendship was a way to motivate them to be my friend!
The second time we met up before my wedding, I was so hurt and disappointed when you told me about the various disasters that had occurred in your social circle. WHY did you choose idiots like them and not me? Didn't you remember I would have always been there for you? Again, I had wanted you to just be who you were, and didn't want to permit you to take the path you needed to take to grow and change.
"I'm more than just the person who brought you and Kaite together; I'm your friend, right?" This is something I said when we went to that bar in Boston for Halloween. It was another example of me being selfish and demanding anachronistic things from you. Neither of us was going to stay up til 6am chatting on AIM again, and neither of us needed to (or even could...I'm old and creaky.)
I think this is another way you've helped me grow. I don't cling to old images anymore. I look at them fondly and nostalgically, but not tragically, not possessively. We're both here at this moment, precisely where we should be. I can stand here now with you, and all the yous I've ever known, and wholly enjoy the present.
To both: I'm going to copy and paste what I said at the ceremony, too! I just don't have that on my work computer at the moment.