Fuck Car Insurance and Related Whinings
I am utterly depressed about my car insurance. As most people know, I've been gutted by an outrageously high car insurance premium that I seemingly cannot escape because:
(1) I am a new driver (had license for less than 3 years)
(2) I am financing a vehicle.
(3) I am under 25.
OK, fine, I hate it and it makes me want to kill something, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I am going to have to pay out the ass for insurance for a while. But the other day, my insurance company sent me an email with what my renewed policy with them will be like. The premium went UP! This is UNFATHOMABLE! My premium last year was about $3000. Now it's supposedly going to be $3300! WHAT THE FUCK? That means they will want $290 A MONTH FROM ME! NO! Just no. I cannot, cannot, cannot afford that. It is CRIMINAL to charge that kind of money. I get so uncontrollably angry when I think that I am making higher payments on some abstract thing like car insurance than I am ON THE DAMN CAR ITSELF. How can we live in a country where car insurance costs more than health insurance--You know, for your own goddamn physical well-being and not some fucking piece of scrap on wheels. I might as well just be handing my money to assholes on the street! Do what you want with it! What the hell do I need it for, anyway?!
I thought maybe there was some kind of mistake...after all, shouldn't a premium go DOWN after being with the company for a year with a good driving record? No, says the agent I talked to, I won't see any real changes until year 3 with my license. And their rates "were adjusted", so that's why my premium went up. WELL FUCK YOU. If that last line were coming out of my mouth, I would be screaming it with tears pouring down my face, because that is how upset and frustrated I am over this whole fucking thing. Worst of all, I don't think there is any real hope for me to find a better quote. Research online with other companies has weilded essentially the same results. I haven't gotten a quote yet that is under $3000, what I paid last year. I'm going to try calling Amica, which is what Colin uses, but I don't have the energy left today. I do have until June to figure this all out, so I don't need to scramble.
This bullshit has made me cry today, which might be pathetic, but the core reason is because I just want to be able to live the life I want, and I'm not able to do that. When I saw that I had finished paying off my insurance, I was psyched because that meant one less gigantic bill at the end of the month. I felt lighter and somehow more free, like I didn't have to worry about money anymore. But now I see that I am just going to have to pay it all back and then some. I am pretty poor at this stage of my life, and the truth is that it is because of my own decisions; I could move back home, I could feasibly get rid of my car and perhaps share David's. But I don't want to do either of those things--is it so wrong to be selfish like that? David says that I should just decide what is important to me, and and if it's important, I shouldn't worry about what I might have to sacrifice to have it. For example, it's important for me to live with him, so I shouldn't be concerned with bills relating to the apartment. But fuck, it's so hard! It's so hard to make concessions when I already feel like I'm making a concession with my "career" and can't seem to figure that fucking part of my life out at all anymore.
Back in the day, I had dreams that I believed in so strongly that I didn't mind suffering to realize them. I found a "personal statement" essay I had written to apply to college down in my parent's cellar not long ago. It brought tears to my eyes to see how passionate I was. But the reality was that each time, the closer I came to my dream, the less I felt like it was what I wanted. That's what happened with writing, with Japanese, with working with animals. How could a dream so bright turn out to be a mistake? It's unfair. I would still like to try to do something with any of the 3 things I just mentioned, but no matter how much I look, I can't find (or get accepted by) any real oppurtunities. And then I doubt my potential to find happiness because of bland experiences I have had (translating for school wasn't as fun as I had hoped; volunteering at a cat shelter was oddly unfulfilling). I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do anymore. I wonder if I am just fated to....not really enjoy ANYTHING again. But God, I so desperately don't want to be another person who hates their job, who doesn't want to get up in the morning. Who feels dull and unimpressive when she reveals her current employment.
Somebody told me, that if you want to be happy, you will become happy. You will make it happy when you feel desperate, lost, and sad. But it seems that even wanting happiness so badly you would fall on your knees and beg the first person you see for it isn't enough. Will it just not happen for me? True satisfaction? My parents and peers older than me tell me to chill out--I'm young, everyone has times when they are lost, things will work out. But I have so much trouble believing it. I am terrified of squandering my talents and wasting my time. So I try to take steps to move forward, but I end up tired and confused.
Now what the hell does all this have to do with car insurance? It gets back to not being able to live the life I want. If I believed there was something golden in the future, I wouldn't mind sacrificing a few "wants". We're not talking about "wants" like a boat, Vera Wang clothing, and prime rib for dinner. We're talking about me wishing I didn't guilt myself out of buying rolls instead of sliced bread to make sandwiches for my lunches. At this point, if I sacrifice, what's to give me encouragement that something better is waiting for me in the future? Where's the shining dream in the distance, guiding me and giving me confidence? I want it there again, even if it's a lie.
(1) I am a new driver (had license for less than 3 years)
(2) I am financing a vehicle.
(3) I am under 25.
OK, fine, I hate it and it makes me want to kill something, but I've resigned myself to the fact that I am going to have to pay out the ass for insurance for a while. But the other day, my insurance company sent me an email with what my renewed policy with them will be like. The premium went UP! This is UNFATHOMABLE! My premium last year was about $3000. Now it's supposedly going to be $3300! WHAT THE FUCK? That means they will want $290 A MONTH FROM ME! NO! Just no. I cannot, cannot, cannot afford that. It is CRIMINAL to charge that kind of money. I get so uncontrollably angry when I think that I am making higher payments on some abstract thing like car insurance than I am ON THE DAMN CAR ITSELF. How can we live in a country where car insurance costs more than health insurance--You know, for your own goddamn physical well-being and not some fucking piece of scrap on wheels. I might as well just be handing my money to assholes on the street! Do what you want with it! What the hell do I need it for, anyway?!
I thought maybe there was some kind of mistake...after all, shouldn't a premium go DOWN after being with the company for a year with a good driving record? No, says the agent I talked to, I won't see any real changes until year 3 with my license. And their rates "were adjusted", so that's why my premium went up. WELL FUCK YOU. If that last line were coming out of my mouth, I would be screaming it with tears pouring down my face, because that is how upset and frustrated I am over this whole fucking thing. Worst of all, I don't think there is any real hope for me to find a better quote. Research online with other companies has weilded essentially the same results. I haven't gotten a quote yet that is under $3000, what I paid last year. I'm going to try calling Amica, which is what Colin uses, but I don't have the energy left today. I do have until June to figure this all out, so I don't need to scramble.
This bullshit has made me cry today, which might be pathetic, but the core reason is because I just want to be able to live the life I want, and I'm not able to do that. When I saw that I had finished paying off my insurance, I was psyched because that meant one less gigantic bill at the end of the month. I felt lighter and somehow more free, like I didn't have to worry about money anymore. But now I see that I am just going to have to pay it all back and then some. I am pretty poor at this stage of my life, and the truth is that it is because of my own decisions; I could move back home, I could feasibly get rid of my car and perhaps share David's. But I don't want to do either of those things--is it so wrong to be selfish like that? David says that I should just decide what is important to me, and and if it's important, I shouldn't worry about what I might have to sacrifice to have it. For example, it's important for me to live with him, so I shouldn't be concerned with bills relating to the apartment. But fuck, it's so hard! It's so hard to make concessions when I already feel like I'm making a concession with my "career" and can't seem to figure that fucking part of my life out at all anymore.
Back in the day, I had dreams that I believed in so strongly that I didn't mind suffering to realize them. I found a "personal statement" essay I had written to apply to college down in my parent's cellar not long ago. It brought tears to my eyes to see how passionate I was. But the reality was that each time, the closer I came to my dream, the less I felt like it was what I wanted. That's what happened with writing, with Japanese, with working with animals. How could a dream so bright turn out to be a mistake? It's unfair. I would still like to try to do something with any of the 3 things I just mentioned, but no matter how much I look, I can't find (or get accepted by) any real oppurtunities. And then I doubt my potential to find happiness because of bland experiences I have had (translating for school wasn't as fun as I had hoped; volunteering at a cat shelter was oddly unfulfilling). I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do anymore. I wonder if I am just fated to....not really enjoy ANYTHING again. But God, I so desperately don't want to be another person who hates their job, who doesn't want to get up in the morning. Who feels dull and unimpressive when she reveals her current employment.
Somebody told me, that if you want to be happy, you will become happy. You will make it happy when you feel desperate, lost, and sad. But it seems that even wanting happiness so badly you would fall on your knees and beg the first person you see for it isn't enough. Will it just not happen for me? True satisfaction? My parents and peers older than me tell me to chill out--I'm young, everyone has times when they are lost, things will work out. But I have so much trouble believing it. I am terrified of squandering my talents and wasting my time. So I try to take steps to move forward, but I end up tired and confused.
Now what the hell does all this have to do with car insurance? It gets back to not being able to live the life I want. If I believed there was something golden in the future, I wouldn't mind sacrificing a few "wants". We're not talking about "wants" like a boat, Vera Wang clothing, and prime rib for dinner. We're talking about me wishing I didn't guilt myself out of buying rolls instead of sliced bread to make sandwiches for my lunches. At this point, if I sacrifice, what's to give me encouragement that something better is waiting for me in the future? Where's the shining dream in the distance, guiding me and giving me confidence? I want it there again, even if it's a lie.