Lead me out on the moonlit floor, Lift your open hand, Strike up the band and make the fireflies
I really should be working on my thinking about for Lit. but it's so dull.
I was walking home to day and I realized that no matter how I'm feeling there is one thing that completely takes my mind off everything for a few seconds. Scuffing dry, Autumn leaves up with my feet and watching them fly as I kick them in front of me and hear them crackle. Then, as I thought about that, I rounded the corner of my street and saw a huge pile of leaves and a man with a rake. It made me feel really lost and sad. I wanted to run through the pile, scattering all the leaves. I don't think he would've appreciated it. Just about says it all really.
I've been feeling really confused lately. Feeling like I can't do anything right and that everything I touch ends up failing. It's completely false, of course. I'm just a rambling, paranoid idiot and I really do love my life. But that doesn't change the way I feel. I remember being in Mr. Willis' class sophomore year and him telling the class: "You can't help the way you feel, but you can help how you act." Something insightful like that. I don't know if I can. I seem to do the stupidest things. It's like part of my brain is missing. The part in the connection between my emotions and my actions. There should be a little door that regulates how my emotions dictate my actions. It takes a supreme effort for me to regulate my feelings and what I do about them. That concentration causes me to do and say things completely uncharacteristic of how I really am inside. I just want to scream so loudly sometimes. I constantly feel like I need a hug. That maybe in that moment of affectionate human contact things will suddenly become crystal clear to me and I'll be able to cope with everything. I feel so removed from people. It seems like any slight human contact or recognition from anyone makes such a difference. I'm going to sound very D-ish right now, but I feel like I need a really good snog. Not necessarily romantic, but from someone who really cares about me and understands how I'm feeling. Just to make me feel connected. Isn't that awful? To want to someone to kiss me simply to help me feel more in control? It seems like such a horrible way of using someone. I think human contact is a like an addictive drug. Human beings crave it, because above all things, even above money and sex, people desire to be cared for and to be loved by other people. Maybe that’s just me. I hope not. Thinking that I’m the only one feeling this way makes me feel very lonely.
I constantly tell myself that soon I'll be gone from this place and I'll be making new memories somewhere different. That college will be a fresh start. But will it? I feel like I'll mess that up too. I will always be overly dramatic, care too deeply about things, and want to be loved.
I am loved and I love some amazing people, but that is what saddens me. I don’t seem to tell them enough and if I do it feels like empty words. I get tired of the people who are most important to me in my life and I feel so terribly selfish about it.
This entry is incredibly personal. I almost decided not to post it, but then I thought about it and decided that maybe other people feel the same way I do. Besides, I think as far as insightful crap goes this was pretty insightful or at least marginally interesting.
Back to Lit.
I was walking home to day and I realized that no matter how I'm feeling there is one thing that completely takes my mind off everything for a few seconds. Scuffing dry, Autumn leaves up with my feet and watching them fly as I kick them in front of me and hear them crackle. Then, as I thought about that, I rounded the corner of my street and saw a huge pile of leaves and a man with a rake. It made me feel really lost and sad. I wanted to run through the pile, scattering all the leaves. I don't think he would've appreciated it. Just about says it all really.
I've been feeling really confused lately. Feeling like I can't do anything right and that everything I touch ends up failing. It's completely false, of course. I'm just a rambling, paranoid idiot and I really do love my life. But that doesn't change the way I feel. I remember being in Mr. Willis' class sophomore year and him telling the class: "You can't help the way you feel, but you can help how you act." Something insightful like that. I don't know if I can. I seem to do the stupidest things. It's like part of my brain is missing. The part in the connection between my emotions and my actions. There should be a little door that regulates how my emotions dictate my actions. It takes a supreme effort for me to regulate my feelings and what I do about them. That concentration causes me to do and say things completely uncharacteristic of how I really am inside. I just want to scream so loudly sometimes. I constantly feel like I need a hug. That maybe in that moment of affectionate human contact things will suddenly become crystal clear to me and I'll be able to cope with everything. I feel so removed from people. It seems like any slight human contact or recognition from anyone makes such a difference. I'm going to sound very D-ish right now, but I feel like I need a really good snog. Not necessarily romantic, but from someone who really cares about me and understands how I'm feeling. Just to make me feel connected. Isn't that awful? To want to someone to kiss me simply to help me feel more in control? It seems like such a horrible way of using someone. I think human contact is a like an addictive drug. Human beings crave it, because above all things, even above money and sex, people desire to be cared for and to be loved by other people. Maybe that’s just me. I hope not. Thinking that I’m the only one feeling this way makes me feel very lonely.
I constantly tell myself that soon I'll be gone from this place and I'll be making new memories somewhere different. That college will be a fresh start. But will it? I feel like I'll mess that up too. I will always be overly dramatic, care too deeply about things, and want to be loved.
I am loved and I love some amazing people, but that is what saddens me. I don’t seem to tell them enough and if I do it feels like empty words. I get tired of the people who are most important to me in my life and I feel so terribly selfish about it.
This entry is incredibly personal. I almost decided not to post it, but then I thought about it and decided that maybe other people feel the same way I do. Besides, I think as far as insightful crap goes this was pretty insightful or at least marginally interesting.
Back to Lit.