Ends and beginnings
This has been, umm, some journey? It's strange when you come to a place and you are not sure what direction you were going in to get there, I mean forwards or backwards and such.
Listening to the UMBC graduation speaker talk about his useless degree and how he was going on to get a Ph.D. in said frivolousness. Watching a slide show at my best friend's fancy graduation party with pictures of us through the years and silently crying into my fancy water glass. Running into an old friend at Karaoke night at the Phoenix and saying I didn’t know what I was doing with my life and still seeing green envy in her eyes. Being at UMBC graduation and then putting my behind right back in summer class. Random beautiful ridiculous forbidden pointless sex. Being broke as hell and making more money than I ever made. Being at the potential highest point of my entire life and feeling so low and clueless.
Funny thing about success, it is pretty damn lonely.
Future parents: Alert! Be careful telling your children that they can do everything. There are additional provisions. If they are like me, the can do everything, and most of the time that is the problem. You can’t friggin do it all at once, and you have make decisions and deny those that you love. You have to prioritize, which has definitely become one of my least favorite things to do and which always seems to cast a shadow of failure. But, yea. Encourage your kids and all that. They will grow up to be whatever they want to be.
I haven’t been in good shape lately. I don’t know why. I mean physically, I lost 4 pounds with my new program... emotionally, everyone still loves me and thinks I am a funny person... mentally, well I dunno I mean am getting smarter everyday, at least my mom’s pocketbook says so...economically, well let’s not go there but at least I have a job right now... and ummm is that all of them? Socially... ah yea, socially...oh boy... let’s just suffice it to say it would be really nice if some people would call me or simply answer when I call or send me an short im saying “Thanks hey I got the nice things you sent me”... yea some of you should be my friend again, cause through some of these times, all I needed, all it would have taken to cure me, was your smile. Speaking of which, I was down in College Park today walking into the Performing Arts Center where I am taking a stage makeup class and in passing this professor looking guy made eye contact with me. He looked at me as a person, smiled, and greeted me as if he was happy to see me. The moment was very penetrating; I couldn’t help but to smile myself as I walked away from him, out of the bleak weather and into the enormous building which consumed me.
Matt McGloin says to me last night, as I was doing him a small favor at 11:00 at night after work and school all day, “I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here to save my life.” I laughed, impulsively, and continued doing my duty. He said, “I guess I’d be dead.”
I replied, “And I guess I’d be at your funeral feeling sorry that I didn’t save your life.” That just stuck with me today for whatever reasons.
The things I can do for other people are things that I mostly can control. I try very hard, not superficially, but I do attempt to please, to impress, to astonish those around me in all things everyday. So here I am always conscious, and afraid of standing still. Afraid of stopping to check the script because I will lose the captive audience. Afraid of asking for help. I’m afraid of letting you just live your life without me cause I am mostly afraid of living my life without you. I stand here afraid of looking behind me for fear I have already seen where I am going to end up. I am terrified of what lies ahead and refuse to stay here and let you have a piece of me without me finding out. But I feel, well I have been taught, to take action. To continue to make decisions and drive forward because it is the only way I will ever know. So I am not sure how I got here. I don’t know what this place is. But I won’t be here for long.
It was a fine affair,
But now it's over.
And though I used to care,
I need the open air.
You're better off without me,
Mein Herr.
Listening to the UMBC graduation speaker talk about his useless degree and how he was going on to get a Ph.D. in said frivolousness. Watching a slide show at my best friend's fancy graduation party with pictures of us through the years and silently crying into my fancy water glass. Running into an old friend at Karaoke night at the Phoenix and saying I didn’t know what I was doing with my life and still seeing green envy in her eyes. Being at UMBC graduation and then putting my behind right back in summer class. Random beautiful ridiculous forbidden pointless sex. Being broke as hell and making more money than I ever made. Being at the potential highest point of my entire life and feeling so low and clueless.
Funny thing about success, it is pretty damn lonely.
Future parents: Alert! Be careful telling your children that they can do everything. There are additional provisions. If they are like me, the can do everything, and most of the time that is the problem. You can’t friggin do it all at once, and you have make decisions and deny those that you love. You have to prioritize, which has definitely become one of my least favorite things to do and which always seems to cast a shadow of failure. But, yea. Encourage your kids and all that. They will grow up to be whatever they want to be.
I haven’t been in good shape lately. I don’t know why. I mean physically, I lost 4 pounds with my new program... emotionally, everyone still loves me and thinks I am a funny person... mentally, well I dunno I mean am getting smarter everyday, at least my mom’s pocketbook says so...economically, well let’s not go there but at least I have a job right now... and ummm is that all of them? Socially... ah yea, socially...oh boy... let’s just suffice it to say it would be really nice if some people would call me or simply answer when I call or send me an short im saying “Thanks hey I got the nice things you sent me”... yea some of you should be my friend again, cause through some of these times, all I needed, all it would have taken to cure me, was your smile. Speaking of which, I was down in College Park today walking into the Performing Arts Center where I am taking a stage makeup class and in passing this professor looking guy made eye contact with me. He looked at me as a person, smiled, and greeted me as if he was happy to see me. The moment was very penetrating; I couldn’t help but to smile myself as I walked away from him, out of the bleak weather and into the enormous building which consumed me.
Matt McGloin says to me last night, as I was doing him a small favor at 11:00 at night after work and school all day, “I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here to save my life.” I laughed, impulsively, and continued doing my duty. He said, “I guess I’d be dead.”
I replied, “And I guess I’d be at your funeral feeling sorry that I didn’t save your life.” That just stuck with me today for whatever reasons.
The things I can do for other people are things that I mostly can control. I try very hard, not superficially, but I do attempt to please, to impress, to astonish those around me in all things everyday. So here I am always conscious, and afraid of standing still. Afraid of stopping to check the script because I will lose the captive audience. Afraid of asking for help. I’m afraid of letting you just live your life without me cause I am mostly afraid of living my life without you. I stand here afraid of looking behind me for fear I have already seen where I am going to end up. I am terrified of what lies ahead and refuse to stay here and let you have a piece of me without me finding out. But I feel, well I have been taught, to take action. To continue to make decisions and drive forward because it is the only way I will ever know. So I am not sure how I got here. I don’t know what this place is. But I won’t be here for long.
It was a fine affair,
But now it's over.
And though I used to care,
I need the open air.
You're better off without me,
Mein Herr.