the point is?
What the hell is the damned point? That is my big question. Why can't I find happiness? It's just starting to really grate my mind about everything. Who I am? Who I want to be? Why I'm with certain guys? Why I won't really let myself fight? How I've changed?
Stupid questions to some, but to me they make sense. I have given up so much and changed so many of my beliefs and thoughts and ways of life. I used to be the girl that once I got bored....then later! I had a strict rule about dating and who I dated. I always played guitar. I loved to sing and dancing was the only way I would move. So I'm just a little bit curious to what happened so where down this road to make me so bitter and hateful. I am sure that everyone thinks that I'm just being dramtic and emo, but well fuck you I'm not. It's just I hate the holidays...because of well the fucking joy and happy people! I can't think of a time in my life where the holidays meant anything more to me the materials. Okay well now..it's different. I can't stand them! I don't want to be apart of them I just want to RUN! I guess I'm a little cynical...or well more then just a little. I know it's got a lot to do with losing my Grandda. It was really hard. But that's not the ONLY reason. I guess it's just really hard on me because I really want to be able to spend the holidays with family and friends and someone I truely care about. That just never happens. No matter what I try, it just never happens. I understand tho. So I've learned to deal. And I think that has become one of my biggest problems. I'm just dealing. I'm not fighting and I'm SURE as hell not backing down anymore. That is my problem. It used to be I wouldn't settle for anything less that what I want. I would fight like crazy to make sure I got it too. I would argue and fight and SCREAM until I won. And I don't mean that in the sense that I would attack people til they did what I wanted. I mean that when it came to being happy....I made sure that if I couldn't find someone who could make me that way....well then I just simply made sure I was the one making me happy.
Okay so I'm single...no biggie. So I'm a little unhappy, but that's only cause I'm alone. But it was always so much nicer than being with someone who it was completely fake in the end. I guess I'm just really not happy with my outcome. I know what I want, who I want, and how I want things to be. I'm just not making it happen. I'm sitting here waiting for it to come to me which is something I just can't do any longer.
That's why I'm just like really wanting to pack up and leave and NEVER come back......
Stupid questions to some, but to me they make sense. I have given up so much and changed so many of my beliefs and thoughts and ways of life. I used to be the girl that once I got bored....then later! I had a strict rule about dating and who I dated. I always played guitar. I loved to sing and dancing was the only way I would move. So I'm just a little bit curious to what happened so where down this road to make me so bitter and hateful. I am sure that everyone thinks that I'm just being dramtic and emo, but well fuck you I'm not. It's just I hate the holidays...because of well the fucking joy and happy people! I can't think of a time in my life where the holidays meant anything more to me the materials. Okay well now..it's different. I can't stand them! I don't want to be apart of them I just want to RUN! I guess I'm a little cynical...or well more then just a little. I know it's got a lot to do with losing my Grandda. It was really hard. But that's not the ONLY reason. I guess it's just really hard on me because I really want to be able to spend the holidays with family and friends and someone I truely care about. That just never happens. No matter what I try, it just never happens. I understand tho. So I've learned to deal. And I think that has become one of my biggest problems. I'm just dealing. I'm not fighting and I'm SURE as hell not backing down anymore. That is my problem. It used to be I wouldn't settle for anything less that what I want. I would fight like crazy to make sure I got it too. I would argue and fight and SCREAM until I won. And I don't mean that in the sense that I would attack people til they did what I wanted. I mean that when it came to being happy....I made sure that if I couldn't find someone who could make me that way....well then I just simply made sure I was the one making me happy.
Okay so I'm single...no biggie. So I'm a little unhappy, but that's only cause I'm alone. But it was always so much nicer than being with someone who it was completely fake in the end. I guess I'm just really not happy with my outcome. I know what I want, who I want, and how I want things to be. I'm just not making it happen. I'm sitting here waiting for it to come to me which is something I just can't do any longer.
That's why I'm just like really wanting to pack up and leave and NEVER come back......