It's the middle of the night
So of course, here I am again. Besides, nighttime is the only time I can have a chance to be away from the incessant noise, business, and energy of this house.
Is there a point? No, not really. I suppose I'm just feeling a little restless - nothing new, a little lonely. It's all good though. I can be patient.
Class in a few hours. Nervous of course, that's nothing new either. There's nothing to be nervous about, these people like me and I always do well. Knowing that doesn't mean much until after the fact, when the day is done and everything's still okay, nothing horrible happened. Until then, there's just this. That's okay, it's almost comforting in its familiarity. How odd is that? It is though, I somewhat like the reminder in a way, and I like the lack of bitterness that accompanies it. That makes sense to me, at any rate.
Should sleep. Definitely should sleep. Am back to not wanting to go to bed, back to not wanting to risk spending any time awake, thinking. Ha, so I sit out here, awake, thinking.
It's not that the things I'd think about are bad now, on the contrary.... Maybe that's why I could sleep only a week ago. I was calm, there was rarely anything negative to think about, nothing to fear, and the positive was right there. Where there was something negative it just...didn't matter so much. I was calmer. Now it seems that when there is some positive thought...it just seems kind of ethereal and I feel agitated again. This particular sort of loneliness, this is new. And it's temporary. And, for now, also kind of comforting in its way.
Those little comforts are good to have, I never realized just how cold I was before.
Things are good.
Is there a point? No, not really. I suppose I'm just feeling a little restless - nothing new, a little lonely. It's all good though. I can be patient.
Class in a few hours. Nervous of course, that's nothing new either. There's nothing to be nervous about, these people like me and I always do well. Knowing that doesn't mean much until after the fact, when the day is done and everything's still okay, nothing horrible happened. Until then, there's just this. That's okay, it's almost comforting in its familiarity. How odd is that? It is though, I somewhat like the reminder in a way, and I like the lack of bitterness that accompanies it. That makes sense to me, at any rate.
Should sleep. Definitely should sleep. Am back to not wanting to go to bed, back to not wanting to risk spending any time awake, thinking. Ha, so I sit out here, awake, thinking.
It's not that the things I'd think about are bad now, on the contrary.... Maybe that's why I could sleep only a week ago. I was calm, there was rarely anything negative to think about, nothing to fear, and the positive was right there. Where there was something negative it just...didn't matter so much. I was calmer. Now it seems that when there is some positive thought...it just seems kind of ethereal and I feel agitated again. This particular sort of loneliness, this is new. And it's temporary. And, for now, also kind of comforting in its way.
Those little comforts are good to have, I never realized just how cold I was before.
Things are good.