I'm too tired to come up with a decent subject... don't judge me
I've been trying to write in here for the past couple of weeks, but whenever I go to the update page I immediately close the window thinking, "I can't do it now. I'll do it later."
I don't know why. I guess I'm afraid of sounding whiny, or afraid that nobody will care. Or perhaps I know that it is going to be difficult to describe all of the things I am feeling right now.
I miss home, and I feel horribly out of place here sometimes. Which doesn't mean that I'm unhappy here. It's just different. I'm happy to be close to Greg, and I'm glad that he's doing what he loves. It's nice to have our own place. I have a new job (which I'll get to further down), which pays more and is going all right so far.
I've been off meds for over a month now. It was a smoother transition than I thought it would be, but it's not easy. I am anxious all the time now. If I'm feeling overwhelmed at work (which I often am) I have a panic attack, and have to leave the room to get my shit together or cry my eyes out. I've become incredibly pessimistic, and feel like I suck at everything I do. I ask myself, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do this job right? Why am I so stupid?" I feel like I'm not as smart or sharp as I used to be, and that it will only get worse as I get older.
I hate Kansas. I love Kansas. I love Massachusetts. Massachusetts can go fuck itself.
I haven't been keeping in touch with my friends very well, because I don't want to sound mopey over the phone. I know that when my friends are depressed, I get depressed, and I don't want to do that to anybody. I know Laura will be like, "I don't give a shit, call me anyways and unload," but I just hate doing that. I hate talking on the phone as it is. I like to write letters, but again I couldn't bring myself to do that right now.
And it's a little strange for me, because honestly I'm so used to burning my bridges during transitional periods. Fuck it, let's start off new. New friends, new personality to cater to those friends, new life. It's so easy, but never rewarding. I can't do that now. These are friends I'd like to have for the rest of my life. I can't just let them go like that.
I've made no friends out here, and I don't know if I'll make any. A lot of girls here who are my age are married, and sometimes they have children. I have a little trouble relating to them. When I was a waitress, the girls I worked with kept asking me how my husband was doing, because they just assumed that Greg and I were married. They seriously looked me in the eye and asked if I had any kids. I can't even tell you how much that weirded me out.
That restaurant went out of business. They put up a sign which read, "Closed For Remodeling," but they weren't remodeling. I went to pick up my paycheck, and it was given to me in cash. I asked the manager what was going on, and he spouted off some bullshit about how they're going to be closed for a few days and everything was going to change. A week passes, and no word.
Even though it meant I had to get another job, I was glad. I can't tell you how much I hated working there. People are so fucking cheap. A 10% tip must be the standard around here, because that is mostly what I got, if not less. I often got no tips. If the people were really nice, I got 15%. 20% was unheard of, unless they were drunk and happy. It's not because I sucked. I did my best to keep people happy. I asked one of the other waitresses about it one day, and she sighed and said, "That's just Salina." I'm just trying to pay my rent and cable. This girl is raising two kids. How can you live on $2.15 an hour and shitty tips?
In the meantime, a newspaper in Abilene (about a half-hour east of Salina) had an opening... for an ad designer. I learned about it through Greg's teacher, and he encouraged me to apply. I can't design shit, but why not? I'll at least get my foot in the door. The girl who was doing the job before got into a terrible car accident, and would be out for at least four months. They were desperate, and they hired me on the spot.
So I've been working at The Abilene Reflector-Chronicle for the past week. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time, but I'm learning. Everybody I work with is friendly and very patient. The only complaint I have is the lack of good technology. We're working with a really old layout program called Quark, instead of In Design or Page Maker. The computers are old (and they're Macs, and I'm not used to working with a Mac) and the printers are ancient. The computers are often slow and sometimes like to crash, and the printers jam all the time. I understand that it's a small paper, and they don't have a lot of money. But I've been working overtime every day to catch up, and we're not supposed to go over hours. I would get all of my work done during hours if the technology was more up-to-date. I guess it's true that you have to spend money to make money.
I was stressed out this past week, but it's really not a bad job. I kind of got thrown into it, because nobody had the time to train me. Hopefully it will get better once I know what I'm doing.
Abilene is kind of interesting, because it used to be a famous cow town (and a pivotal stop in the game The Oregon Trail). It's the hometown of Dwight D. Eisenhower, and where the Eisenhower Presidential Library is located. It's also the place where actor Bruce "Don't Call Me Ash" Campbell stopped for a bite to eat the other night. One may think, what the hell is Bruce doing in central Kansas? He's currently on a book tour for Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way, and the restaurant he dined at, the M & R Grill, was right off the highway. I pass by it on the way to work every day. Once I get my paycheck, Greg and I are going to eat where Bruce Campbell ate.
I don't know what else to say right now. I just took a long break from this to catch The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy, and then to watch the Patriots lose. All I have to say is:
-What the hell were all those bullshit calls, and
-Shut the fuck up John Madden... you're out of your element!
Goodnight.
I don't know why. I guess I'm afraid of sounding whiny, or afraid that nobody will care. Or perhaps I know that it is going to be difficult to describe all of the things I am feeling right now.
I miss home, and I feel horribly out of place here sometimes. Which doesn't mean that I'm unhappy here. It's just different. I'm happy to be close to Greg, and I'm glad that he's doing what he loves. It's nice to have our own place. I have a new job (which I'll get to further down), which pays more and is going all right so far.
I've been off meds for over a month now. It was a smoother transition than I thought it would be, but it's not easy. I am anxious all the time now. If I'm feeling overwhelmed at work (which I often am) I have a panic attack, and have to leave the room to get my shit together or cry my eyes out. I've become incredibly pessimistic, and feel like I suck at everything I do. I ask myself, "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do this job right? Why am I so stupid?" I feel like I'm not as smart or sharp as I used to be, and that it will only get worse as I get older.
I hate Kansas. I love Kansas. I love Massachusetts. Massachusetts can go fuck itself.
I haven't been keeping in touch with my friends very well, because I don't want to sound mopey over the phone. I know that when my friends are depressed, I get depressed, and I don't want to do that to anybody. I know Laura will be like, "I don't give a shit, call me anyways and unload," but I just hate doing that. I hate talking on the phone as it is. I like to write letters, but again I couldn't bring myself to do that right now.
And it's a little strange for me, because honestly I'm so used to burning my bridges during transitional periods. Fuck it, let's start off new. New friends, new personality to cater to those friends, new life. It's so easy, but never rewarding. I can't do that now. These are friends I'd like to have for the rest of my life. I can't just let them go like that.
I've made no friends out here, and I don't know if I'll make any. A lot of girls here who are my age are married, and sometimes they have children. I have a little trouble relating to them. When I was a waitress, the girls I worked with kept asking me how my husband was doing, because they just assumed that Greg and I were married. They seriously looked me in the eye and asked if I had any kids. I can't even tell you how much that weirded me out.
That restaurant went out of business. They put up a sign which read, "Closed For Remodeling," but they weren't remodeling. I went to pick up my paycheck, and it was given to me in cash. I asked the manager what was going on, and he spouted off some bullshit about how they're going to be closed for a few days and everything was going to change. A week passes, and no word.
Even though it meant I had to get another job, I was glad. I can't tell you how much I hated working there. People are so fucking cheap. A 10% tip must be the standard around here, because that is mostly what I got, if not less. I often got no tips. If the people were really nice, I got 15%. 20% was unheard of, unless they were drunk and happy. It's not because I sucked. I did my best to keep people happy. I asked one of the other waitresses about it one day, and she sighed and said, "That's just Salina." I'm just trying to pay my rent and cable. This girl is raising two kids. How can you live on $2.15 an hour and shitty tips?
In the meantime, a newspaper in Abilene (about a half-hour east of Salina) had an opening... for an ad designer. I learned about it through Greg's teacher, and he encouraged me to apply. I can't design shit, but why not? I'll at least get my foot in the door. The girl who was doing the job before got into a terrible car accident, and would be out for at least four months. They were desperate, and they hired me on the spot.
So I've been working at The Abilene Reflector-Chronicle for the past week. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time, but I'm learning. Everybody I work with is friendly and very patient. The only complaint I have is the lack of good technology. We're working with a really old layout program called Quark, instead of In Design or Page Maker. The computers are old (and they're Macs, and I'm not used to working with a Mac) and the printers are ancient. The computers are often slow and sometimes like to crash, and the printers jam all the time. I understand that it's a small paper, and they don't have a lot of money. But I've been working overtime every day to catch up, and we're not supposed to go over hours. I would get all of my work done during hours if the technology was more up-to-date. I guess it's true that you have to spend money to make money.
I was stressed out this past week, but it's really not a bad job. I kind of got thrown into it, because nobody had the time to train me. Hopefully it will get better once I know what I'm doing.
Abilene is kind of interesting, because it used to be a famous cow town (and a pivotal stop in the game The Oregon Trail). It's the hometown of Dwight D. Eisenhower, and where the Eisenhower Presidential Library is located. It's also the place where actor Bruce "Don't Call Me Ash" Campbell stopped for a bite to eat the other night. One may think, what the hell is Bruce doing in central Kansas? He's currently on a book tour for Make Love! The Bruce Campbell Way, and the restaurant he dined at, the M & R Grill, was right off the highway. I pass by it on the way to work every day. Once I get my paycheck, Greg and I are going to eat where Bruce Campbell ate.
I don't know what else to say right now. I just took a long break from this to catch The Simpsons, American Dad and Family Guy, and then to watch the Patriots lose. All I have to say is:
-What the hell were all those bullshit calls, and
-Shut the fuck up John Madden... you're out of your element!
Goodnight.