Sigh.
Kind of slipping back into my crazy-pathetic self again like I was back in September-ish. Where nothing feels like it's actually happening and it doesn't matter what I do. I don't know where this came from again, because last time I was under a lot of stress so it was understandable. Now it's just random insanity. Everything is weird. I don't know how else to explain it. My reality is skewed and I don't know how to reel myself back in. I keep telling myself my name, how old I am, the name of my parents and stuff, trying to make it ground zero and then build up on how I got where I am. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't like being all detached and scared. I keep telling myself I'm obviously not crazy or I wouldn't realize I'm crazy, but it's hard not to notice a shift like this, no matter who you are. I dunno. Hopefully this funk will pass before I have a breakdown like last time.
So I'll just... talk a little about what I know about myself to be true as of late.
- I saw Warhorse yesterday. It was a great film, but I couldn't handle all the tortured/dead horses. I almost had to leave I was so disturbed by the gory imagery. Why does it bother me 10 times more to see a post-battle field full of dead horses than it does full of dead soldiers?
- I'm having some "skin lesions" (see: planter's warts) taken off my foot tomorrow and I am not excited about that.
- I'm actually excited to get weighed tomorrow at the doctor's because I've been steadily dropping about 5 pounds a month since I moved into my apartment. Not much, but it's making a difference. I've gone down a few pants sizes, which is awesome. (Expensive, but awesome. buying new jeans is expensiiiive)
- My mom told me she lied to me about what happened to my dog of 15 years, Barbie. She told me she just died in the night, when actually she disappeared. She suspects that Jeff's kids either took her or they left the gate open and she wandered away. She always was adventurous. But she couldn't hear very well towards the end there, so if she wandered away she might have been hit. It just kills me because she was such a wonderful, loving dog. She deserved to die in comfort fit for a king, not dead on the side of the road. I wish she would have just let me believe she died of old age. Sigh.
- I have so many fic ideas in my head, but I can not force myself to write anymore. Even writing my own RP stuff like I used to is torture. It bums me out.
- Not looking forward to Supernatural anymore. I tried to keep optimistic about season 7, but damn it blows. It has little to do with Cas being gone for me, but everything to do with what they're doing to Sam and Dean. I hate it. And the spoilers for the upcoming episodes just put me off even more. Now I'm seriously regretting burning through the series so fast to get to S7, because the others were a million times better. God I hope they bow out gracefully and leave it off after this season. There isn't enough life left (literally and figuratively) in the show for it to last another whole season.
.... Huh. See. Talking about my feels on things already helps me not feel like a stranger in my own head. I'm sure I'll fall right back into my pit of dissociation when I'm done typing, but I guess it helps for now.
I love you guys, really I do. My own friends don't even want to hear me whine about my mental state, so it means a lot to me that you care. *hugs*
So I'll just... talk a little about what I know about myself to be true as of late.
- I saw Warhorse yesterday. It was a great film, but I couldn't handle all the tortured/dead horses. I almost had to leave I was so disturbed by the gory imagery. Why does it bother me 10 times more to see a post-battle field full of dead horses than it does full of dead soldiers?
- I'm having some "skin lesions" (see: planter's warts) taken off my foot tomorrow and I am not excited about that.
- I'm actually excited to get weighed tomorrow at the doctor's because I've been steadily dropping about 5 pounds a month since I moved into my apartment. Not much, but it's making a difference. I've gone down a few pants sizes, which is awesome. (Expensive, but awesome. buying new jeans is expensiiiive)
- My mom told me she lied to me about what happened to my dog of 15 years, Barbie. She told me she just died in the night, when actually she disappeared. She suspects that Jeff's kids either took her or they left the gate open and she wandered away. She always was adventurous. But she couldn't hear very well towards the end there, so if she wandered away she might have been hit. It just kills me because she was such a wonderful, loving dog. She deserved to die in comfort fit for a king, not dead on the side of the road. I wish she would have just let me believe she died of old age. Sigh.
- I have so many fic ideas in my head, but I can not force myself to write anymore. Even writing my own RP stuff like I used to is torture. It bums me out.
- Not looking forward to Supernatural anymore. I tried to keep optimistic about season 7, but damn it blows. It has little to do with Cas being gone for me, but everything to do with what they're doing to Sam and Dean. I hate it. And the spoilers for the upcoming episodes just put me off even more. Now I'm seriously regretting burning through the series so fast to get to S7, because the others were a million times better. God I hope they bow out gracefully and leave it off after this season. There isn't enough life left (literally and figuratively) in the show for it to last another whole season.
.... Huh. See. Talking about my feels on things already helps me not feel like a stranger in my own head. I'm sure I'll fall right back into my pit of dissociation when I'm done typing, but I guess it helps for now.
I love you guys, really I do. My own friends don't even want to hear me whine about my mental state, so it means a lot to me that you care. *hugs*