Long ass entry
Warning: rant entry. Do not read if in a good mood. (you're not gonna read it anyway, coz it's looooong :P )
Ok, I don't know where to start my ranting, so I'll just go from the day I started reading Jt LeRoy's short stories. So, I knew about the guy way back, but I never actually *knew* what was he all about. About a week ago, I was going through my Placebo pics, deleting all the ones I in double, and I came upon this pic of Brian and JT standing in front of an ice cream truck, in London. I immediately remembered reading about Asia’s new movie, about how it’s based on Jt’s last work, so since I haven’t had anything better to do, I typed Jt’s name in yahoo’s search engine, and the first site that was thrown out as a result was his own, official site. So I went there, and started reading his diary, which I remember reading ages ago, but I think I never went the whole way through all of it, so I did now. That was what did it for me, I was totally intrigued by this guy. I liked the way he wrote, and I liked what he wrote, I was quite fascinated. Then, I wanted to find some interviews with him, to see what’s he like and I found dozens of them and read them all, and by now I was completely amazed of what I was reading. I saw him talk about his childhood and his mother and I was shocked at first, but then again, utterly surprised there’s someone out there like him. I also realised Asia is a very good friend of his, and that was one more thing to love about him, who’s books I haven’t even read yet.
Then I went for a search from some LJ Jt communities and I found three, but only one of them was still going so when I was browsing through it, the first thing that surprised me was that JT himself posted there. Then I found a link to a site that has some of numerous he writes for magazines. I read five of them and it must be the best thing I ever read. So, anyway, I stumbled upon this link, that had a sound file of JT, an interview. And that was exactly what I was looking for, coz I read something Asia said about how JT speaks so low you need to really concentrate on what he’s saying and like, give your full attention to him. So I clicked on the mp3 file, the interview, and when I actually *heard* his voice, that was it. I cried at least for three hours later, and I cried the next day talking about it to my mum. I don’t think anything in the world hasn’t reached to me like this little guy did. It moved me, the way he talked about his mum, his innocent-like voice, the long pauses he makes…It was very painful when I first heard it. The only thing I wanted to do right then was go over to him and you know, just hug him and talk to him. And since then, I’m thinking about it, about him, reading some more interviews I can found, or looking for more of his short stories.
I hate the fact that only Sarah is available here, and I’m waiting for my friend to find it, cause her dad works for a bookstore, so she’s trying to get me a copy. The other book, The Heart is deceitful above all things isn’t translated here, and I can’t find it anywhere for sail, and I can’t afford to order it now, so it’s just balls.
Another thing that’s interesting about him, is that he spends a lot of time on the internet, and answers all of his fan mail. So, I told Amanda about him and all, and she actually emailed him and he answered back, which is like wow. I don’t think I’ll get the guts to write him, it’s like writing to a god of some sorts. Yes, I do idolize people, especially if they’re brilliant and talented artists.
Asia and Jt. *squeeeeeeeeeeeee*
And so I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, and that’s never the smartest thing to do since I always fall in too deep and end up depressed. And all the things I did before, all of the self-destructing things I did, and all the people I hurt on the way, just to make myself feel worse was a kick of some sorts. I don’t even know now if I had a proper reason for it. Maybe it was just those adolescences things, pushed to an extreme. It makes my stomach turn around now thinking of how many times I ended up in hospitals without my parents knowing and literally screaming ‘fuck off’ to anyone who tried to help. I don’t know how it all ended, I don’t know what happened to my, well, kinda, addiction to drugs, but it just disappeared through time. I didn’t have noone to help me out, cos I was the most difficult person to be around back then. And then was this depressing winter, of 2001, I think, when I used to cut myself, and was feeling like I’m standing in the depth of the world, the deepest, coldest, darkest hole there is. So then I had that band and all, so I was again using all kinds of illegal and legal substances, and when it broke apart, I calmed down also and since then I’m fine. More or less.
One more thing to moan about…the guy I worked for, in a club, emailed me the other day saying they need more dancers. The weird thing is, *I* quit that job, last summer. And not in a nice way, no. I almost spat in his fucking face. My job was to dance, and his fault was that dancing started to borderline prostitution, coz practically every time I took a brake he and his friends were all over me, and I really needed the money so I kept the shit up for months. Blaaah, anywaaaay, it’s weird he emailed me and it’s even weirder that when I didn’t reply, he called me up. Some people just don’t take no for an answer.
What more….well, yes, my best friend Alexandra is getting on my nerves lately. I realised, this summer, that’s she’s spoiled rotten, but that didn’t bother me much. But it did start to bother me since she began throwing tantrums over nothing. And now there’s this thing over her birthday. She wants to call a billion of people, which she doesn’t know, and she knows and I know that won’t work out, coz it didn’t work out last year. And she wants to celebrate it out in the open and we all know it’s freezing at night by now. So yeah, these things piss me off. Plus, I’m not very social these days. I can go out for like..a cup of coffee, but to party all night? Nah huh. I’m still recharging my batteries from the summer.
QAF is in exactly 20 hours. Man, I can’t wait.