Late night thoughts.....
I figured out what's missing in my life, what I used to have and the lack of which is driving me nuts.
Romance. Mystery. Thoughtfulness. Spontaneity. And having to say "Hey, be more romantic and spontaneous" kinda defeats the purpose. It doesn't make me angry...just sad.
My husband used to bring me silk roses. No reason, no occasion, just for "I love you". We used to take a tape player out to the canal by where I lived and dance. Used to just sit on the couch, no tv, no nothing, and cuddle and talk.
Now "romance" is a grab for my girly bits and "hey, feeling frisky?"
No, I'm not, go away. Even better is "Wow, you're sexy" with a caressing grab for my bits and "want to make love?" Yeah, that's a turn on.
I want him to offer a massage without trying to get my clothes off. I want a cuddle without ulterior motives. I want gifts that show a little thought. I want him to pay a little actual *attention* to me and my thoughts and likes and dislikes instead of simply trying to get laid. This is sounding like I don't like sex. Wrong. I do. But for Hel's sake.....when that's ALL it seems like he's after.....hookers are cheaper than wives, you know? I'm all for honesty and "hey, wanna fuck?" and that's great for casual non-committed stuff. But there is supposed to be so much more in a good marriage that has simply disappeared or never been there in the first place.
I think that's really part of why I love hanging out with Lincoln so much. He asks and expects nothing of me but being there. He brushes my hair for me once in a while. Brings me music and such that he thinks I might like. But damnit, my *husband* is supposed to be meeting that desire for me. And he doesn't, and isn't likely to change. It's gotten to where I don't really want him to, I just want him to go away and leave me alone.
My heart hurts and I'm tired of it. That's why it was so easy to build those castles in the air that came tumbling down. Romance and sweet gestures and kind words and sadness at being apart...And now sadness that nothing is really different, that I was deluding myself. Happily ever after. Pfft. That'll show me. As it is, he's getting laid and I don't seem angry, so everything must be all better. Wrong.