It sucks to crash & burn......again
We went to Cameron Park this weekend to help Jacob film his capstone. I had a really good time being the "make-up artist". It was such a blast and gave me the ability to have sooooooo much more respect for actors who are in the biz full time. It was only about a 10 or 15 minute film but it took two days to film about 5 minutes of the film, maybe a few minutes more....so I can only imagine the hours and days put into filming a movie that takes a year or even longer to make! But it's so fucking cool!!!! However, I screwed up once again on friday night by becoming a jealous girl again. I swear to god I had promised myself and heart and secretly made a promise to brian that I wouldn't do this..and I allowed myself to slip yet once again. And honestly, I think I did well with the entire fact of it by not completely getting all emotionally out of hand or balling my eyes out, which still doesn't justify my jealousy though I do give myself slight credit. We had such a wonderful talk last week. A very useful and productive talk and I want to prove to myself first that I am getting better with all of this. I'm trying so hard and that's all I can do. And i'm doing this strictly for me because I know how I used to be and it wasn't always like this. Brian knows how I feel for him and how strong I believe in my feelings. I have a wonderful person in my life who loves me so much and it's just so un-fucking fair that I let myself become blinded by stupid fucked up thoughts! The space is doing us both some good, it is. It's just going to take a little bit more time. I know that I can work this out for us. We can do this.
On the other hand....(which has a lot more weight on it versus the other one I just described)I had so much fun with brian this weekend! It was nice to get out of sacramento and hang out with other friends. I never thought about doing movies but I really enjoyed the behind the scenes stuff. Jacob was right when he said "you're either really into this and you have a fucking rockin' time always, or you're not and you always be bored out of you're mind." I agree....it'a all such a tedious process. Maybe I'll look into some producing classes or take some cosmetology classes.....it's an idea...alway a great idea to have back up plans:) I can't wait till brian and I go down to monterey! Now that is going to be a kick ass time.....I guarantee!!!
(9 more hours till drinks and spirits!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!)
On the other hand....(which has a lot more weight on it versus the other one I just described)I had so much fun with brian this weekend! It was nice to get out of sacramento and hang out with other friends. I never thought about doing movies but I really enjoyed the behind the scenes stuff. Jacob was right when he said "you're either really into this and you have a fucking rockin' time always, or you're not and you always be bored out of you're mind." I agree....it'a all such a tedious process. Maybe I'll look into some producing classes or take some cosmetology classes.....it's an idea...alway a great idea to have back up plans:) I can't wait till brian and I go down to monterey! Now that is going to be a kick ass time.....I guarantee!!!
(9 more hours till drinks and spirits!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!)