A day in the life of...
The Good: I'm working right now. No, really, I am. I am monitoring. I am multitasking. I rule.
The Bad: I'm losing it. The toolman and I had our big blow-out, "why are we still together? Can he ever meet my needs? Can I ever get over this thing with Kim?" fight like 2 weeks ago. I kinda always wondered why he hadn't ended it, because I know some of my issues with Kim bothered him, and he isn't very expressive so I didn't really know how he felt. Anyhow, we decided to stay together despite this issue...but that fight put me on red alert. Not sure why exactly. Just a feeling. Now, we didn't just have this fight and say, "ok, see ya." No, we "made up", shall we say? And he put the moves on me. And The Toolman doesn't EVER do anything physical with someone if he's got any kind of doubts about them...he just doesn't operate that way. He doesn't want to lead someone on. That alone should make me feel that everything is A-ok. We then had a date after that, and it was fine - nice in fact.
He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like anything is different from before, but suddenly, I'm super sensitive. Last night he texted me asking something like, "what are you doing tomorrow night?" and my first thought: getting dumped. I thought maybe he decided he wanted to end it...and he wanted to do it before Vday. I was asleep though when he sent this text, and I woke up at 1am and noticed. When he was asleep. So, like a basketcase, I called him and woke him up and explained that I realized I was acting like a crazy person but was he breaking up with me? He said he was just curious what I was doing or something like that. We joked and talked about nothing special for like an hour.
Then today, he asked me what I was doing tomorrow night. Despite the "false alarm" last night, I had basically the same instant reaction as the night before. Except I thought maybe he was teasing me - asking me again for humor, so I said, "lol. You jerk. No plans :-)". He replied, "sometimes I (referring to himself) think I'm really good at boxing myself in." - Which I think means he didn't realize the connection between that question and the night before...but it could have been referring to a different topic of the convo too...I dunno...
Turns out, he actually wanted to have dinner tomorrow night, versus just curious as to what I was up to. To which I am mildly freaked out. I know that he would only dump me in person, although I don't think he'd do it in public, so I think that once again I am being silly. But that's where the gut keeps going.
He's got a game tonight though, and I'm gonna go watch him...and my guess is he'll be normal towards me because I am being silly and hopefully when he's normal towards me I will relax a bit. I don't like feeling like this. One, I don't want to get dumped. Two, I don't want to be in a constant state of flux wondering if I'm about to get dumped. Three, I don't want to act like a basketcase because I think (whether rightly or wrongly) that I am about to get dumped. Basically, I've gone through the relationship for the most part thinking, "well, he must still like me because he hasn't dumped me yet" since he doesn't tell me much about how he feels. Now, I'm paranoid, and I'm like, "is he going to dump me today?" I don't want to be that person. Its nothing against him, he's not acting strange, he hasn't said anything. But I don't like this.
The Random: I painted my fingernails last night. They're already chipping. This is why I don't paint my nails.