thanksgiving!!!!!!
my horoscope today says: Overview: Your community spirit is active now and volunteering feels incredibly appealing. See if you can devote some extra time to doing what you love and maybe also making the world a better place.
this couldn't be more spot-on as i just spent an hour in the grocery store shopping for our thanksgiving with the homeless!
i am just so excited! the control freak in me was having a difficult time at first. people have to do things my way for me to be comfortable. it's something i have worked on for years and am still working on. lisa (God and y'all know i love her to pieces) handled it differently than i would've, but it's her thing. she did it last year, and i am helping out because i loved the idea. if i had been running the show i would've gotten a definite head-count and known what everyone was planning on bringing. i'm an organizer.
anyone who knows me and lel very well knows we're list-makers. i make lists because it makes me feel at ease. it just helps me to have in front of me what i need to do. i make pro/con lists. i make shopping lists, i make "to-do" lists, anything that i feel the need to list, i list. i don't however make lists of lists. i'm not psycho. :) lists help me feel grounded and in control, hence the control freak thing.
so i took a big step, and said "hey, whatever." it may end up being me, lisa, and a handful of homeless people. or 30 people which we won't be prepared for. that's ok. what's important is that we saw a need, took action, and are doing something instead of just talking about it. it's so easy to talk about doing something, actually doing it is harder. i've gotten in touch with my spirituality a lot more since i've been back in ms. as kimberly said "yeah, who'd have thought that, being back in the Bible belt?" Lol. i've always had a relationship with my God, it just hasn't always fit into what could be considered religion. i was raised southern baptist, i don't consider myself to be anything except a christian. i have beliefs that don't agree with most organized religion, even christianity. i once joked that i was a "christian pagan" and people took that seriously...
i figure if we're there, and we're ready to help people, the people we are supposed to help will be there. the homeless people, people in the area who don't have realitives or good enough friends to get invited over, people who have family here but just want to come and be a part of it, whoever. the people who are supposed to be at smith park - for whatever reason - will be there. that's all i can do, is cook the food, do my best, and have a great time and good food with some friends and some people who maybe will become friends.
mom got worried about the details. she's a planner, my whole family are organized planners. she was talking about "to go" boxes (a good idea, lisa's going to see if high noon will donate some). she meant for the meal though, i'm thinking more for leftovers for people. i told her the point of this in my eyes is that we have a meal with the homeless or needy. there are places that will have thanksgiving for them, but not everyone has the means to get there. stewpot is quite a walk, several miles. i said that in my mind what homeless people need as much as food is for people to sit down, have a conversation with them. we're not there as people feeding them, we're there as people sharing a meal. we're a community. we're all just people. too often i think we get caught up in our lives, families, jobs. we look past the man asking for change outside the gas station where we buy cigarettes every day. we ignore the guy walking down the road holding a garbage bag, who isn't wearing a coat.
it's not that we think we are better than them. i hope the majority of us don't. it's just that we are busy. too busy to care about making a connection with a human being we think we have nothing in common with. i've often said "there, but for the grace of God go i". if my parents hadn't helped me out, if i had slid too far into depression, if i had really let alcohol take over my life...that could be me. as i keep reminding myself, that was lisa. it's not all crazy drunk people, it's people who lose jobs and can't find another one. it's people who have crashed on everyone's couches to the point that their friends have to say "enough". it's people who are depressed over a divorce and can't keep their lives together.
this is what gets me about how we all focus on differences. it irks me in the liberal and lgbt communities. we are all people, but we get caught up in symantics. i hope this thanksgiving, everyone who comes to smith park (or sleeps there) will forget that we are black, white, asian, gay, straight, bi, working poor, students, rich, homeless, whatever. for a few hours i hope we are all just people, coming together for a meal and being thankful. that's what excites me.
thanks to a generous donation from my parents, and katie graciously agreeing to make greenbean casserole, i had decided we had the means to make a decent thanksgiving meal for 10-15. that's if no one but me & lisa ends up participating. i bought the turkey as planned (she's getting a ham when she gets back) it was my first whole turkey! the first i've ever picked out and the first i'll cook. i've cooked turkey breasts before but never a whole one! i got stuff to make potatos, a ton of rolls, stuffing, pumpkin pie stuff (i'll be making the crust) and ready-whip of course, i already had corn, zuccini & squash, extra celery for the stuffing, plates, forks, cups, a gallon of tea (lisa had talked to cups about donating coffee, i don't know what the status of that is)...am i forgetting anything? i think that's everything. oh and my mom's cranberry sauce stuff.
so even if no one else participates we should have a pretty good spread. i'm going to check into if any places like stewpot will take leftovers if we have them to donate. we can eat thanksgiving-y stuff for weeks, but i'd rather see it go to the needy as we will be going down for thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house that evening. the next few days will be a whirlwind of cooking!
the best thing about this is, the past few thanksgivings i've been alone. this year i won't be. i always had the invite to mom k's (sally's mom) in dayton, but after i moved i never felt like driving an hour one way since i always had to work black friday. i never participated in kim's family holidays because she wasn't out to her family. as she always said "they know" but to me that wasn't enough. it was one of our many issues. to me, it was a personal slight and i felt a reflection of her feelings about herself and our relationship. i wasn't willing to lie and pretend to be her roommate, so i never went. even though i loved her mom, i think that's part of the reason i wasn't willing to lie. because i did like her mom so much, respected her. i also felt like kim wasn't giving her family a chance.
but i don't need to go on and on about that, i've talked about it at length before. i thought that i was happy with my own lil thing. cooking my turkey breast, making all the sides. i had whatever i wanted, even though it was only me. a bottle of wine, for a few years a new harry potter dvd... sometimes i did cry though. i know i set myself up, by being alone, when i had the kilpatrick family who always accepted me as their own, who called me a daughter even though i was 18 and partnered with their 35 year old daughter. even after we broke up, i was family. i'm sure if i were there this year, i'd still be as much family as ever. that's just the bond sally & i have, and i think they always recognized that though she's much much much better off with tracey that we will always be dear friends.
i wish i had been more aware of what i had there, instead of wallowing in my depression. tracey & sally are my family as much as my mom, dad, and lel. i'm thankful for them every day of the year. that's hindsight though. despite the lows i hit, i have really learned from them, continue to. perhaps always will. i think the most important thing i realized is that life is really a journey. it's easy to say that and not know it. i used to whine and say i was tired of learning lessons, but really i hope i never stop learning. in my opinion the meaning of my life is love. love for others, helping others, and i hope perhaps one day a romantic love that will help all those other things blossom. i chased the romantic love for so long, nearly desperate. thinking i wasn't a whole person without that "other half". thinking the rest of my life would magically fall into place when i found "the one". in a weird way, i guess it has. but i don't put that on a person now, i put that on my being aware of what i've been going through, my flawed thinking and my finally open eyes.
i do think love is the meaning of life. all the different types of it. the kind we have for our family, our friends that are like family, our partners/spouses, our children and/or pets, and the love we have for others. i am not taking any sort of love forgranted anymore.
this year, i am thankful that i have the means to make this meal, the opportunity to share it with anyone who shows up, and the love & support of all the family, friends, and yes you my dear readers, that has continued through good and bad.
this couldn't be more spot-on as i just spent an hour in the grocery store shopping for our thanksgiving with the homeless!
i am just so excited! the control freak in me was having a difficult time at first. people have to do things my way for me to be comfortable. it's something i have worked on for years and am still working on. lisa (God and y'all know i love her to pieces) handled it differently than i would've, but it's her thing. she did it last year, and i am helping out because i loved the idea. if i had been running the show i would've gotten a definite head-count and known what everyone was planning on bringing. i'm an organizer.
anyone who knows me and lel very well knows we're list-makers. i make lists because it makes me feel at ease. it just helps me to have in front of me what i need to do. i make pro/con lists. i make shopping lists, i make "to-do" lists, anything that i feel the need to list, i list. i don't however make lists of lists. i'm not psycho. :) lists help me feel grounded and in control, hence the control freak thing.
so i took a big step, and said "hey, whatever." it may end up being me, lisa, and a handful of homeless people. or 30 people which we won't be prepared for. that's ok. what's important is that we saw a need, took action, and are doing something instead of just talking about it. it's so easy to talk about doing something, actually doing it is harder. i've gotten in touch with my spirituality a lot more since i've been back in ms. as kimberly said "yeah, who'd have thought that, being back in the Bible belt?" Lol. i've always had a relationship with my God, it just hasn't always fit into what could be considered religion. i was raised southern baptist, i don't consider myself to be anything except a christian. i have beliefs that don't agree with most organized religion, even christianity. i once joked that i was a "christian pagan" and people took that seriously...
i figure if we're there, and we're ready to help people, the people we are supposed to help will be there. the homeless people, people in the area who don't have realitives or good enough friends to get invited over, people who have family here but just want to come and be a part of it, whoever. the people who are supposed to be at smith park - for whatever reason - will be there. that's all i can do, is cook the food, do my best, and have a great time and good food with some friends and some people who maybe will become friends.
mom got worried about the details. she's a planner, my whole family are organized planners. she was talking about "to go" boxes (a good idea, lisa's going to see if high noon will donate some). she meant for the meal though, i'm thinking more for leftovers for people. i told her the point of this in my eyes is that we have a meal with the homeless or needy. there are places that will have thanksgiving for them, but not everyone has the means to get there. stewpot is quite a walk, several miles. i said that in my mind what homeless people need as much as food is for people to sit down, have a conversation with them. we're not there as people feeding them, we're there as people sharing a meal. we're a community. we're all just people. too often i think we get caught up in our lives, families, jobs. we look past the man asking for change outside the gas station where we buy cigarettes every day. we ignore the guy walking down the road holding a garbage bag, who isn't wearing a coat.
it's not that we think we are better than them. i hope the majority of us don't. it's just that we are busy. too busy to care about making a connection with a human being we think we have nothing in common with. i've often said "there, but for the grace of God go i". if my parents hadn't helped me out, if i had slid too far into depression, if i had really let alcohol take over my life...that could be me. as i keep reminding myself, that was lisa. it's not all crazy drunk people, it's people who lose jobs and can't find another one. it's people who have crashed on everyone's couches to the point that their friends have to say "enough". it's people who are depressed over a divorce and can't keep their lives together.
this is what gets me about how we all focus on differences. it irks me in the liberal and lgbt communities. we are all people, but we get caught up in symantics. i hope this thanksgiving, everyone who comes to smith park (or sleeps there) will forget that we are black, white, asian, gay, straight, bi, working poor, students, rich, homeless, whatever. for a few hours i hope we are all just people, coming together for a meal and being thankful. that's what excites me.
thanks to a generous donation from my parents, and katie graciously agreeing to make greenbean casserole, i had decided we had the means to make a decent thanksgiving meal for 10-15. that's if no one but me & lisa ends up participating. i bought the turkey as planned (she's getting a ham when she gets back) it was my first whole turkey! the first i've ever picked out and the first i'll cook. i've cooked turkey breasts before but never a whole one! i got stuff to make potatos, a ton of rolls, stuffing, pumpkin pie stuff (i'll be making the crust) and ready-whip of course, i already had corn, zuccini & squash, extra celery for the stuffing, plates, forks, cups, a gallon of tea (lisa had talked to cups about donating coffee, i don't know what the status of that is)...am i forgetting anything? i think that's everything. oh and my mom's cranberry sauce stuff.
so even if no one else participates we should have a pretty good spread. i'm going to check into if any places like stewpot will take leftovers if we have them to donate. we can eat thanksgiving-y stuff for weeks, but i'd rather see it go to the needy as we will be going down for thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house that evening. the next few days will be a whirlwind of cooking!
the best thing about this is, the past few thanksgivings i've been alone. this year i won't be. i always had the invite to mom k's (sally's mom) in dayton, but after i moved i never felt like driving an hour one way since i always had to work black friday. i never participated in kim's family holidays because she wasn't out to her family. as she always said "they know" but to me that wasn't enough. it was one of our many issues. to me, it was a personal slight and i felt a reflection of her feelings about herself and our relationship. i wasn't willing to lie and pretend to be her roommate, so i never went. even though i loved her mom, i think that's part of the reason i wasn't willing to lie. because i did like her mom so much, respected her. i also felt like kim wasn't giving her family a chance.
but i don't need to go on and on about that, i've talked about it at length before. i thought that i was happy with my own lil thing. cooking my turkey breast, making all the sides. i had whatever i wanted, even though it was only me. a bottle of wine, for a few years a new harry potter dvd... sometimes i did cry though. i know i set myself up, by being alone, when i had the kilpatrick family who always accepted me as their own, who called me a daughter even though i was 18 and partnered with their 35 year old daughter. even after we broke up, i was family. i'm sure if i were there this year, i'd still be as much family as ever. that's just the bond sally & i have, and i think they always recognized that though she's much much much better off with tracey that we will always be dear friends.
i wish i had been more aware of what i had there, instead of wallowing in my depression. tracey & sally are my family as much as my mom, dad, and lel. i'm thankful for them every day of the year. that's hindsight though. despite the lows i hit, i have really learned from them, continue to. perhaps always will. i think the most important thing i realized is that life is really a journey. it's easy to say that and not know it. i used to whine and say i was tired of learning lessons, but really i hope i never stop learning. in my opinion the meaning of my life is love. love for others, helping others, and i hope perhaps one day a romantic love that will help all those other things blossom. i chased the romantic love for so long, nearly desperate. thinking i wasn't a whole person without that "other half". thinking the rest of my life would magically fall into place when i found "the one". in a weird way, i guess it has. but i don't put that on a person now, i put that on my being aware of what i've been going through, my flawed thinking and my finally open eyes.
i do think love is the meaning of life. all the different types of it. the kind we have for our family, our friends that are like family, our partners/spouses, our children and/or pets, and the love we have for others. i am not taking any sort of love forgranted anymore.
this year, i am thankful that i have the means to make this meal, the opportunity to share it with anyone who shows up, and the love & support of all the family, friends, and yes you my dear readers, that has continued through good and bad.