Gossip Girl FanFiction - 'Chasing Butterflies' - Chp 10
Title: Chasing Butterflies
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Spoilers: general Season 2
Rating: T
Genre: Drama/Romance
Status: In-progress
Chapter: 10/12
Summary: After 19yrs of marriage, Chuck and Blair are bitter and angry. So for their 20th wedding anniversary their daughter, Mia, sets out to get them the perfect gift: each other.
Disclaimer: I own only Amelia Waldorf-Bass, Katherine Archibald, and Jackson and Daniella Humphrey. All other recognisable characters and places are the property of their respective owners.
Chapter Ten: The Game Ends
It was four a.m. on New Year’s morning and Mia was lying awake in her bed. Unlike in previous years, the Waldorf-Bass’s had not attended or thrown a celebration to see in the New Year. Instead, Blair had gone to bed early, Chuck had holed himself up in his office to smoke and drink, and Mia had curled up in her room to talk to Jack on the phone.
No words had been spoken amongst the family for three days.
Which was why Mia had been so pleased when Jack called at around eleven thirty. That was what she told herself anyway. She was just starved for conversation and he was an expert conversationalist. It wasn’t anything to do with the sudden change in their relationship. Nope, not at all.
Mia sighed and rolled over onto her side, plumping the pillow under her cheek as she went. She watched the second hand on her alarm clock tick away and when her eye began twitching, forced her gaze to the photo sitting just in front of her lamp.
Given to her by Katie for her birthday (Katie had always been prone to giving thoughtful gifts rather than expensive ones), the photo, held in a frame of frosted glass, depicted the four friends fooling around in the Hampton’s over the summer. Mia wasn’t sure who had taken the picture, but it was clear that none of the subjects knew it was being taken; Jack had his arms around Mia’s waist and was holding her off the ground as she tried to kick herself free; Ella was clinging to her brother’s back like a monkey, arms around his neck and legs around his waist, and Katie was doubled over in laughter off to the side. Mia was irritated to note that the image of herself had her mouth gaping open, whether because she was shrieking at Jack to put her down or because she was laughing, Mia couldn’t remember. Either way, it was very unbecoming.
It was difficult to decide if she considered her eighteenth birthday the best or the worst of her birthdays. Yes, all the skeletons living in the (admittedly, very vast) Waldorf-Bass closet had finally gotten to see the light of day, making the day horrible. But she’d spent the rest of the day at the Humphrey home with Jack until Ella and Katie had shown up. They all went to Mia’s birthday party and afterwards, when the night was over, Mia had slept in the guest room at Dan and Serena’s. So while the day had begun as a nightmare, it hadn’t ended that way.
On her nightstand, the screen of Mia’s phone lit up and the cell danced a couple of millimetres to the left as it buzzed with a new text message.
She reached out and pulled it over to her, before sliding it up and opening the message.
I know you’re lying in bed awake. You need 2 talk 2 your parents -J
Mia’s eyebrows rose and she scooted up in bed to lean back on her elbows. She looked towards the window as if to see if there was a camera trained on her, even though the heavy curtains had been pulled hours ago.
She turned back to her phone and selected ‘Reply’.
How did u know I was awake? And my parents r sleeping -M
She jiggled her leg against the mattress as she waited for his reply. Finally, her phone went off again.
I know u. Wake them -J
Mia glared at the screen. He was determined, that was for sure. Most of their late night conversation had consisted of him trying to persuade her to go talk to her parents, and while Mia admitted that it had to be done, she couldn’t bring herself to do it; she wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear what they had to say. She’d put up with no sleep if she had to, but the truth seemed too scary to think about.
So like the true avoider (she’d grown to hate that word) she was, she sent back to Jack: Why aren’t u asleep? -M
To which Jack replied: Too busy thinking about u. xo -J
She stared at the screen for half a second, taking in the words, before she squealed. Half a second after that, she clamped her hand over her mouth, not wanting to wake anyone. And half a second after that, she lowered her hand and tried to compose herself. She was eighteen now, not twelve.
Before she could even consider her reply, the phone buzzed again.
Now, go talk 2 your parents. I won’t kiss u again until u do -J
Mia gasped. That wasn’t fair. Still, it was a good play. She glared at the phone again, before throwing it onto the bedspread, knowing he had her.
He was right. This silence couldn’t go on forever, and Mia knew she had to be the one to break it…even if it was five a.m.
Sighing, Mia pushed the covers away and got out of bed. She jumped on the spot a little to ward off the cold as she found her robe. Slipping her arms through the sleeves, Mia moved to her bedroom door and opened it. She peeked out into the dark hallway and listened. Apart from the ticking of the clock downstairs, everything was silent.
She shut the door behind her and crept down the hall towards her parents’ bedroom. Standing outside it, she wondered momentarily if she should knock. They probably wouldn’t hear it if she did; Blair was a heavy sleeper, and Chuck had been drinking.
Mia folded her arms over her chest and grumbled, hopping from one foot to the other. She should go back for her slippers, or wait until it was properly morning.
“Ugh,” she said quietly. “Jack’s right. I’ll do anything to avoid facing what I don’t want to. That’s so unfair.”
Mia reached out and knocked quietly once before pushing the heavy doors open just enough for her to slip through. She locked them behind her, to harden her resolve and to prevent escape, and turned to the bed.
Chuck and Blair were both asleep, forming two hills on either side of the bed, hers smaller than his; they had left the equivalent of the Grand Canyon between them. As Mia watched them, Chuck sighed and Blair squirmed further under the covers before falling still.
Mia took a deep breath and moved closer. She stopped at the foot of the bed to consider her options. Before she could think too much about what she was doing, she braced her hands on the mattress and pulled herself up onto the bed between her parents’ feet. She moved slowly so as not to jostle them and folded her legs beneath her. Then, she took a moment to arrange her robe around herself, after which she realised she could stall no longer.
Into the darkness, she whispered, “Mom? Daddy?” When neither moved, she tried again, louder this time. All that got her was a muffled grunt from her father.
Mia huffed. Clamping a hand around their ankles, she shook her parent’s violently. “Would you two wake up?”
Blair sprang up with a gasp and Chuck almost rolled out of bed; only his quick grab of the nightstand saved him from hitting the floor.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” said Mia dryly, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Seriously, you two could give sleeping lessons to the dead.”
Chuck rubbed his eyes and leaned over to turn on the lamp on his nightstand. As they all squinted at each other, he said in a voice still gruff from sleep, “What’s wrong, Mia? Is there someone downstairs?”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I just…” and here she hesitated. There was still time to forget everything and return to bed. She could tell Jack she’d talked to them, and if he figured out she was lying, then she could do without his kisses. She’d gone without for eighteen years, hadn’t she?
But staring at her parents in the muted lighting, Mia wanted desperately for them to be a family again. A proper family, who didn’t judge how good their week had been based on the number of arguments they’d had.
“Just?” Blair prompted.
Mia sighed and her arms uncrossed, hands falling into her lap. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh,” said Blair, after a moment of silence, and she glanced at her clock. “Can it wait until morning? It’s only half past five.”
Mia’s shoulders slumped and she turned to climb off the bed, but then her father took hold of her wrist.
“Don’t go anywhere, Mia.” He turned to his wife. “Can’t you just try to be sensitive? Our daughter wakes us in the middle of the night, having clearly not slept going by the bags under her eyes, and you want her to wait until morning? What kind of mother are you?”
Blair bristled. “I’m a good mother. Don’t you go judging me, Bass. At least I’m here! You’re always flying off to some foreign destination on ‘business’. I’m sure Mia would be a lot less impressed by you if she knew you spent half those business trips in bed with other women!”
“That’s not true! I-”
“Stop!” Mia stretched her arms and held a hand out to each of her parents. “Please, stop! This is what I wanted to talk to you about, you two fighting all the time. And no, Mother, it can’t wait until morning. It’s waited long enough.”
Chuck and Blair turned from each other to face her. Mia looked into their eyes steadily, making sure they were listening to her. When she was sure she had their attention she continued, “It’s about time all three of us sat down and talked about this issue. And yes, I am including myself in this, not only because the way you two act affects me too, but because I could have done this a long time ago, but chose not to. So, we can sit here and talk like the mature adults we are, or we can sit here in stony, stubborn silence and ignore each other until we die of starvation or someone breaks the door down, whichever comes first.”
Her parents glanced at each other with raised eyebrows. Blair then lowered her gaze to the bedspread and Chuck returned his attention to Mia.
He said, “All right, Mia. You want to talk, we’ll talk.”
She narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “Really?”
Chuck nodded. “Sure.”
“Oh,” Mia said, not having suspected them to agree so willingly. “Okay. Well, I guess I’ll start then, seeing as how I brought it up.”
Chuck nodded, and he and Blair leaned back against the headboard. Mia resat herself comfortably and took a deep breath to steady herself. She’d spent so much time trying to convince herself to begin this conversation, that she hadn’t really thought of what she’d say when it actually began.
As they continued to sit in silence and watch each other, Mia wished Jack was there. He always made things sound so simple. She could do it with him there to hold her hand…
…but maybe that was it. She had to learn to do it without him, or Ella, or Katie. She loved and relied on her friends, and they always stood at her back at school, but this was just something they couldn’t do with her.
Chuck must have sensed her internal struggle, because he leant forwards and took her hands in his. “Baby, just tell us. How much does our arguing bother you?”
She sighed. “I hate it, Dad, I hate it so much. It scares me.” She was surprised by how weary she suddenly sounded and how old she suddenly felt. This definitely had to end.
“Why does it scare you?”
She looked up and met her father’s eyes. “Because I keep thinking that one day it will all become too much, and I’ll get back from school to find that you’ve packed your things and gone to the Palace, or that Mother is on a plane to France with a one-way ticket. I don’t want you to leave me.” She thought of what she’d put Jack through since Thanksgiving and went on, “And sometimes I look at the two of you and can’t help but think that if there’s no hope for you two, then what hope is there for me? I don’t want a marriage that ends up like yours.”
This time it was Chuck who sighed. “Mia, first of all, no one can tell how a marriage is going to turn out. When I married your mother I never would have thought we’d get to this. You just have to do it and hope for the best. Secondly, neither your mother nor I will ever leave you.”
“But Mother was going to divorce you! I heard her telling Serena weeks ago.”
Blair’s head shot up and she spoke for the first time. “You heard that?”
Mia nodded and bit the inside of her lip. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I thought you were talking to Dad, but when I realised you weren’t, it was too late. I was already listening.”
Chuck turned to shoot a small glare at Blair, which she returned, and then looked back at Mia. “And after you had this information, what did you do? Did you speak to your mother?”
“Noooo…” Mia said, now feeling slightly guilty. “I…I tried so hard to fix it, by making you see that you still love each other, but in the end it didn’t work because what you’re fighting about is too big for me to deal with. No one can fix that but you two.”
Her father’s eyes narrowed. “We’ll get to that in a minute. What do you mean ‘fix it’?”
And so Mia repeated for them the last month and a half, the way it had been for her, leaving out some details of course (learning her parents had sex in their limo, her Thanksgiving encounter with Jack, her seeing Jack opposite Tiffany, her birthday encounter with Jack).
By the end of the explanation, Blair’s eyes were wide and Chuck was slack-jawed.
“You tried to set us up?” Blair choked out.
Mia pinched her thumb and forefinger together. “Just a little.”
The look Chuck and Blair shared this time wasn’t angry, but incredulous, and Mia would have giggled if the mood weren’t so serious. They had been played by their own daughter. It had to sting.
Blair opened her mouth, probably to comment of how unladylike her behaviour had been (to which Mia would have snorted and thrown some of Blair’s actions back in her face), but Mia held out a hand to forestall her.
“No, enough about that. You both know I hate you fighting and I’ve gone to great lengths to get you to acknowledge each other, but that will all be for nothing if we don’t get to the heart of the matter.”
Chuck sighed and leaned back against the headboard of the bed.
Mia was having none of this attitude. They were going to do this now or never. Besides, they’d already come too far. No use backing out now.
She turned to her father. “Did you really cheat on Mother with a woman named Amelia?”
He was silent and staring off into the distance for a long moment, but then he met her eyes. “Yes, I did.”
“All right then. That’s something at least. Now,” she swept her hand towards Blair, “talk to her about it.”
He looked shocked. “That’s it? What am I supposed to say? It happened twenty-eight years ago!”
Mia shrugged. “This conversation doesn’t come with instructions. Just talk. And don’t tell me it happened twenty-eight years ago. Tell her!”
From the corner of her eye, Mia saw Blair smirk in satisfaction. Mia turned to her and said, “Don’t get all self-righteous just yet. It’s your turn next.”
Blair’s smirk dropped just as Chuck sat up straight and turned to his wife.
He sighed. “So, twenty-eight years ago, I left you on a helipad to go to Tuscany alone so that I could have sex with the decorator. You already know that. You know why I didn’t join you in Tuscany later. You know everything that happened before and after you got back. I thought we’d been over this already. Why does it bother you so much all of a sudden?”
Blair groaned. “It bothers me because for eighteen years, we’ve had a daughter who shares the name of that same decorator. Can you honestly say you haven’t looked at Mia and thought of the woman you abandoned me for?”
Chuck’s eyes dropped to the bedspread and then moved up to Mia. She met his gaze but kept her face blank. This wasn’t her conversation anymore.
He turned back to Blair. “If we’re going to be honest then yes, you’re right. There have been times when I have looked at Mia and seen the other Amelia.” Seeing Blair about to interrupt he hurried on, “But not for the reason you think! I might not have felt guilty about my decisions when I made them, but I have since. So when I look at our daughter, I feel guilty, for what I did, for why I did it, for not telling you why I hated the name Amelia when you were pregnant. Guilt, Blair, that’s all I feel. Why do you think I tried so hard to come up with a nickname?”
Blair brushed her hair angrily out of her eyes. “You could have saved yourself all that if you’d just told me. I would never have named her Amelia if I knew your reasons!”
“But it had been so long! A small part of you has held on to what I did to you and never forgiven it. I didn’t want to bring it up eleven years later and hurt you more.”
“Of course, because twenty-eight years makes it hurt so much less.”
Chuck sighed and scrubbed his face with both hands. “Look, we can’t change it now. I know that I should have told you. It would have been better for everyone involved if I’d come clean. But I couldn’t bear to see the same hurt in your eyes again. You’d finally trusted me completely. We were married, we were having a baby. Do you think I wanted to endanger that?”
Blair turned away from her husband and daughter, staring off into the distance. She was silent for a long time, making Mia wonder if all this effort would be a waste of time. If Blair wasn’t prepared to move forward, nothing Chuck or Mia said or did would change it. Once Queen B made up her mind there was no moving her, and the whole Upper East Side knew it.
Finally, she turned to Mia and folded her arms over her chest. “Do I have to forgive him?”
Mia tried to remain cool and composed; it looked like she’d been voted mediator. The knowledge sent her mind into overdrive. She wanted to grab Blair and shake her, yell that, yes, she did have to forgive him, because he was obviously sorry and he loved her so much.
But she controlled herself. A meltdown wasn’t going to help anyone and her forcing her parents into forgiveness would ultimately only result in more fighting.
So she thought hard for a long moment about all their options and then said, “No, you don’t have to forgive him today. Today is about acceptance. Forgiveness comes later, but you have to be willing to let it.”
Blair huffed and glanced at Chuck, who was watching her carefully. She said, “I accept your apology, but I’m still angry and you’re not forgiven.” She glanced at her daughter. “Yet.”
Chuck’s tense shoulders eased and Mia wanted to jump up and dance. Blair, stubborn and proud as she was, would forgive Chuck eventually, and of her own free will. She probably wouldn’t even notice it, never wake up one morning thinking that that would be the day; it would just come with time.
Mia, still reminding herself that she was mediator, allowed herself a small smile. But it was wiped off when Chuck’s voice broke the silence.
“So, are we moving on to the bigger issue now?”
And just like that the mood in the room changed. The silence around them was tense and heavy, filled with secrets and guilt and regret and blame, and God knew what else. The Amelia issue was not, had never, been the problem, having only arisen less than a week ago. This issue was the real problem, the one that had carried them through eight years and brought them to this moment.
Chuck might find this impossible to forgive…and Mia didn’t know if she could either.
All three of them sat avoiding each others eyes, and Mia knew that it was up to her to break the ice again, maybe even steer the conversation; Chuck and Blair were too guilt-ridden.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, let’s go back to the beginning. I was born, Daddy was already successful and, Mom, you were working on expanding Eleanor Waldorf designs. And, from what I gathered at breakfast the other day, Daddy wanted another baby. Is that right?”
Chuck and Blair nodded, he firmly and she reluctantly.
“All right, so Dad, why don’t you tell us why you wanted to expand the family?”
“It ought to be obvious. We had both been only children, who had always sought the unattainable approval of our parents. I didn’t want you, Mia, to grow up lonely. As you said, both Blair and I were on the rise at work. I didn’t want to think of you left at home with just the maid for company if we both had to go away for business at the same time. And if we’re all still being honest, then I’ll add that I loved having you as a baby. Caring for you, watching you learn, was more fulfilling than any of the business deals I was making. I wanted to do it again.”
Mia felt her heart swell for her father. He was such a good man, no matter what he’d done in his youth or what he was doing now. He loved her and he loved Blair, she knew it.
She turned to her mother and couldn’t stop her voice growing hard. “And you didn’t want another baby?”
Blair turned from both of them. “…No.”
She heard Chuck sigh angrily and, before Mia could censor herself, the question that had been running on a constant loop through her mind for the last few days was coming out of her mouth. “Did you want me?”
Chuck caught his breath and Blair turned back around sharply. The look of wide-eyed shock answered Mia’s question before her voice could.
“Of course I wanted you! You were my daughter, my own little baby, how could I not want you?”
Mia was speechless, her mouth gaping. Had Blair’s son not also been her ‘own little baby’?
“But…then why didn’t you want…” Mia paused. She didn’t want to call her brother ‘the baby’ but she couldn’t really call him by his name, Charles, either. She mentally shook her head and settled with ‘him’.
“Why didn’t you want him?”
It was here that the strangest thing happened, to Mia anyway, who was expecting her mother to turn all defensive.
Blair’s lower lip quivered and she let out a ragged breath as a fat tear spilled over onto her cheek. But she didn’t stop at one. Soon, both her cheeks were glistening in the light as tears continued to roll down them.
She said, “I know what you must think. That I’m a horrible mother, a cold-hearted bitch, who doesn’t feel for anyone. But it’s not true. I loved him. I loved him so much, from the very moment I knew he existed.”
“Then why did you complain so much? Why did you never put in any effort or show that you cared?” said Chuck.
Blair sobbed and when she spoke next her voice was tortured. “Because I envied him too, just like I envied Mia. When she was born, you loved her so much. Everything you did, you did for her. You got up in the morning for her, you went to work for her, you came home for her. You took her to the park, toy shopping, you stayed home when she was sick. You even drove her all the way to the Hampton’s once, because she said she missed it when it wasn’t summer time. I knew, I knew, that the other baby would be just the same. You’d divide your time between Mia and him, and I’d just be there, always second best and always alone. You were the only one in my whole life who ever put me first. Nate always wanted Serena, my father moved away to France to be with Roman, my mother had her designs. You think I didn’t know that you loved Mia and then him more than you loved me? I could tell. I could feel it. I envied them because I didn’t want to lose you, but none of it mattered because I’ve lost you anyway.”
She buried her face in her hands so her next words were slightly muffled but no less agonised. “You don’t know, you don’t understand how much I’ve hated and blamed myself. When I think of him there, so still, so quiet, and know that a part of me, however small, wished he’d never come into existence…You’re right. It was me. It was my fault. I willed him to die because I was so selfish.”
If Blair spoke again, neither Mia nor Chuck heard her, because her sobs overcame her words.
Mia’s eyes couldn’t leave her mother, even when she tried to force them away, and she knew that for the rest of her life she’d remember this, the sight of her mother hunched over and crying, and looking more alone than anyone ever wanted to be.
Her father had told her once about the insecurities Blair had faced as a child and teenager, in the hopes that his daughter would never feel what she had. She couldn’t believe that those very same insecurities, which everyone faced but which seemed to haunt Blair, had been the cause of so many years of hate and jealousy.
Mia shook herself out of her stupor and looked to her father. She almost gasped aloud when she saw the moisture gathered in his eyes. Never in her life had she seen him cry, was almost convinced that he, the great Chuck Bass, didn’t have the ability.
He moved slowly, as if underwater, bridging the distance between himself and Blair, and closed his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. She clutched at him desperately, blindly, and tried to burrow into him. Chuck was whispering to her, or making soothing noises of some sort, but they were lost when he buried his face in her hair.
Watching them, Mia felt a prickle behind her eyes and a sharp pain in her nose. So she crawled up to her parents and put her arms around them both, holding on tightly.
In the back of her mind, Mia was suddenly glad she’d locked the door. While it might have been humbling for someone to come across the Waldorf-Bass’s in a tearful embrace, it was most definitely a family moment. It would be more than wrong for someone else, no matter how close to the family, to intrude. Not even Jack belonged here.
Gradually, Blair’s sobs eased, Chuck’s tears dried and Mia regained control of emotions. They all sat back, but in much closer proximity than they had been before.
Chuck cupped Blair’s face in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me all this? I could have helped, or at the very least reassured you that I still loved you as much as ever. I loved you all equally, as cliché as it is to say. I didn’t realise you felt excluded, I just thought you weren’t…interested.”
“Did you hate me, after he was born?”
Chuck shook his head. “No, I couldn’t.”
“But you always tried to avoid me.”
“Because I thought you’d blame me for wanting another child! I was trying to give you space, and then when I tried to come back you pushed me away.”
A shadow of a sneer appeared on Blair’s face. “So you went out and found other women?”
He sighed. “No, I didn’t. I waited for you. I didn’t have any woman, including you, for five years after him.”
“Five years? What changed?”
“You,” he said painfully. “You told me, point blank, that you didn’t want me anymore. You threw ornaments at my head and told me to leave you alone, for good.”
Another tear fell down Blair’s face and Chuck brushed it away with a thumb. “I didn’t mean it! I wanted to hurt you! I hurt so much and I thought hurting you would help ease it, like when we were in high school.”
“But?”
“But I was wrong. You did what I said and I was more alone than ever.”
After that none of them spoke, and sat in silence, yet again. It was different this time though, or so Mia thought. Yes, there was pain in the air, as fresh as it had been eight years ago on April 10, when Charles Bartholomew Bass the Second had been born already dead.
But there was hope too, not yet able to lighten the mood, but still there, just under the surface.
Mia sat back on her heels and watched her parents. She already knew that she had forgiven her mother, although Mia had no right to condemn her, and knew that Chuck had already forgiven her as well, which would go a long way to helping Blair.
Because it was Blair who needed to forgive herself. If she could work towards doing that, everything would be all right. Nothing could be solved immediately, because too much had happened, there was too much history. It would take time and baby steps.
A small, soft smile graced Mia’s lips as the room continued to lighten with the natural sunlight of the new day.
xoxo
Read Previous Chapters
Fandom: Gossip Girl
Spoilers: general Season 2
Rating: T
Genre: Drama/Romance
Status: In-progress
Chapter: 10/12
Summary: After 19yrs of marriage, Chuck and Blair are bitter and angry. So for their 20th wedding anniversary their daughter, Mia, sets out to get them the perfect gift: each other.
Disclaimer: I own only Amelia Waldorf-Bass, Katherine Archibald, and Jackson and Daniella Humphrey. All other recognisable characters and places are the property of their respective owners.
Chapter Ten: The Game Ends
It was four a.m. on New Year’s morning and Mia was lying awake in her bed. Unlike in previous years, the Waldorf-Bass’s had not attended or thrown a celebration to see in the New Year. Instead, Blair had gone to bed early, Chuck had holed himself up in his office to smoke and drink, and Mia had curled up in her room to talk to Jack on the phone.
No words had been spoken amongst the family for three days.
Which was why Mia had been so pleased when Jack called at around eleven thirty. That was what she told herself anyway. She was just starved for conversation and he was an expert conversationalist. It wasn’t anything to do with the sudden change in their relationship. Nope, not at all.
Mia sighed and rolled over onto her side, plumping the pillow under her cheek as she went. She watched the second hand on her alarm clock tick away and when her eye began twitching, forced her gaze to the photo sitting just in front of her lamp.
Given to her by Katie for her birthday (Katie had always been prone to giving thoughtful gifts rather than expensive ones), the photo, held in a frame of frosted glass, depicted the four friends fooling around in the Hampton’s over the summer. Mia wasn’t sure who had taken the picture, but it was clear that none of the subjects knew it was being taken; Jack had his arms around Mia’s waist and was holding her off the ground as she tried to kick herself free; Ella was clinging to her brother’s back like a monkey, arms around his neck and legs around his waist, and Katie was doubled over in laughter off to the side. Mia was irritated to note that the image of herself had her mouth gaping open, whether because she was shrieking at Jack to put her down or because she was laughing, Mia couldn’t remember. Either way, it was very unbecoming.
It was difficult to decide if she considered her eighteenth birthday the best or the worst of her birthdays. Yes, all the skeletons living in the (admittedly, very vast) Waldorf-Bass closet had finally gotten to see the light of day, making the day horrible. But she’d spent the rest of the day at the Humphrey home with Jack until Ella and Katie had shown up. They all went to Mia’s birthday party and afterwards, when the night was over, Mia had slept in the guest room at Dan and Serena’s. So while the day had begun as a nightmare, it hadn’t ended that way.
On her nightstand, the screen of Mia’s phone lit up and the cell danced a couple of millimetres to the left as it buzzed with a new text message.
She reached out and pulled it over to her, before sliding it up and opening the message.
I know you’re lying in bed awake. You need 2 talk 2 your parents -J
Mia’s eyebrows rose and she scooted up in bed to lean back on her elbows. She looked towards the window as if to see if there was a camera trained on her, even though the heavy curtains had been pulled hours ago.
She turned back to her phone and selected ‘Reply’.
How did u know I was awake? And my parents r sleeping -M
She jiggled her leg against the mattress as she waited for his reply. Finally, her phone went off again.
I know u. Wake them -J
Mia glared at the screen. He was determined, that was for sure. Most of their late night conversation had consisted of him trying to persuade her to go talk to her parents, and while Mia admitted that it had to be done, she couldn’t bring herself to do it; she wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear what they had to say. She’d put up with no sleep if she had to, but the truth seemed too scary to think about.
So like the true avoider (she’d grown to hate that word) she was, she sent back to Jack: Why aren’t u asleep? -M
To which Jack replied: Too busy thinking about u. xo -J
She stared at the screen for half a second, taking in the words, before she squealed. Half a second after that, she clamped her hand over her mouth, not wanting to wake anyone. And half a second after that, she lowered her hand and tried to compose herself. She was eighteen now, not twelve.
Before she could even consider her reply, the phone buzzed again.
Now, go talk 2 your parents. I won’t kiss u again until u do -J
Mia gasped. That wasn’t fair. Still, it was a good play. She glared at the phone again, before throwing it onto the bedspread, knowing he had her.
He was right. This silence couldn’t go on forever, and Mia knew she had to be the one to break it…even if it was five a.m.
Sighing, Mia pushed the covers away and got out of bed. She jumped on the spot a little to ward off the cold as she found her robe. Slipping her arms through the sleeves, Mia moved to her bedroom door and opened it. She peeked out into the dark hallway and listened. Apart from the ticking of the clock downstairs, everything was silent.
She shut the door behind her and crept down the hall towards her parents’ bedroom. Standing outside it, she wondered momentarily if she should knock. They probably wouldn’t hear it if she did; Blair was a heavy sleeper, and Chuck had been drinking.
Mia folded her arms over her chest and grumbled, hopping from one foot to the other. She should go back for her slippers, or wait until it was properly morning.
“Ugh,” she said quietly. “Jack’s right. I’ll do anything to avoid facing what I don’t want to. That’s so unfair.”
Mia reached out and knocked quietly once before pushing the heavy doors open just enough for her to slip through. She locked them behind her, to harden her resolve and to prevent escape, and turned to the bed.
Chuck and Blair were both asleep, forming two hills on either side of the bed, hers smaller than his; they had left the equivalent of the Grand Canyon between them. As Mia watched them, Chuck sighed and Blair squirmed further under the covers before falling still.
Mia took a deep breath and moved closer. She stopped at the foot of the bed to consider her options. Before she could think too much about what she was doing, she braced her hands on the mattress and pulled herself up onto the bed between her parents’ feet. She moved slowly so as not to jostle them and folded her legs beneath her. Then, she took a moment to arrange her robe around herself, after which she realised she could stall no longer.
Into the darkness, she whispered, “Mom? Daddy?” When neither moved, she tried again, louder this time. All that got her was a muffled grunt from her father.
Mia huffed. Clamping a hand around their ankles, she shook her parent’s violently. “Would you two wake up?”
Blair sprang up with a gasp and Chuck almost rolled out of bed; only his quick grab of the nightstand saved him from hitting the floor.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” said Mia dryly, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Seriously, you two could give sleeping lessons to the dead.”
Chuck rubbed his eyes and leaned over to turn on the lamp on his nightstand. As they all squinted at each other, he said in a voice still gruff from sleep, “What’s wrong, Mia? Is there someone downstairs?”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I just…” and here she hesitated. There was still time to forget everything and return to bed. She could tell Jack she’d talked to them, and if he figured out she was lying, then she could do without his kisses. She’d gone without for eighteen years, hadn’t she?
But staring at her parents in the muted lighting, Mia wanted desperately for them to be a family again. A proper family, who didn’t judge how good their week had been based on the number of arguments they’d had.
“Just?” Blair prompted.
Mia sighed and her arms uncrossed, hands falling into her lap. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh,” said Blair, after a moment of silence, and she glanced at her clock. “Can it wait until morning? It’s only half past five.”
Mia’s shoulders slumped and she turned to climb off the bed, but then her father took hold of her wrist.
“Don’t go anywhere, Mia.” He turned to his wife. “Can’t you just try to be sensitive? Our daughter wakes us in the middle of the night, having clearly not slept going by the bags under her eyes, and you want her to wait until morning? What kind of mother are you?”
Blair bristled. “I’m a good mother. Don’t you go judging me, Bass. At least I’m here! You’re always flying off to some foreign destination on ‘business’. I’m sure Mia would be a lot less impressed by you if she knew you spent half those business trips in bed with other women!”
“That’s not true! I-”
“Stop!” Mia stretched her arms and held a hand out to each of her parents. “Please, stop! This is what I wanted to talk to you about, you two fighting all the time. And no, Mother, it can’t wait until morning. It’s waited long enough.”
Chuck and Blair turned from each other to face her. Mia looked into their eyes steadily, making sure they were listening to her. When she was sure she had their attention she continued, “It’s about time all three of us sat down and talked about this issue. And yes, I am including myself in this, not only because the way you two act affects me too, but because I could have done this a long time ago, but chose not to. So, we can sit here and talk like the mature adults we are, or we can sit here in stony, stubborn silence and ignore each other until we die of starvation or someone breaks the door down, whichever comes first.”
Her parents glanced at each other with raised eyebrows. Blair then lowered her gaze to the bedspread and Chuck returned his attention to Mia.
He said, “All right, Mia. You want to talk, we’ll talk.”
She narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “Really?”
Chuck nodded. “Sure.”
“Oh,” Mia said, not having suspected them to agree so willingly. “Okay. Well, I guess I’ll start then, seeing as how I brought it up.”
Chuck nodded, and he and Blair leaned back against the headboard. Mia resat herself comfortably and took a deep breath to steady herself. She’d spent so much time trying to convince herself to begin this conversation, that she hadn’t really thought of what she’d say when it actually began.
As they continued to sit in silence and watch each other, Mia wished Jack was there. He always made things sound so simple. She could do it with him there to hold her hand…
…but maybe that was it. She had to learn to do it without him, or Ella, or Katie. She loved and relied on her friends, and they always stood at her back at school, but this was just something they couldn’t do with her.
Chuck must have sensed her internal struggle, because he leant forwards and took her hands in his. “Baby, just tell us. How much does our arguing bother you?”
She sighed. “I hate it, Dad, I hate it so much. It scares me.” She was surprised by how weary she suddenly sounded and how old she suddenly felt. This definitely had to end.
“Why does it scare you?”
She looked up and met her father’s eyes. “Because I keep thinking that one day it will all become too much, and I’ll get back from school to find that you’ve packed your things and gone to the Palace, or that Mother is on a plane to France with a one-way ticket. I don’t want you to leave me.” She thought of what she’d put Jack through since Thanksgiving and went on, “And sometimes I look at the two of you and can’t help but think that if there’s no hope for you two, then what hope is there for me? I don’t want a marriage that ends up like yours.”
This time it was Chuck who sighed. “Mia, first of all, no one can tell how a marriage is going to turn out. When I married your mother I never would have thought we’d get to this. You just have to do it and hope for the best. Secondly, neither your mother nor I will ever leave you.”
“But Mother was going to divorce you! I heard her telling Serena weeks ago.”
Blair’s head shot up and she spoke for the first time. “You heard that?”
Mia nodded and bit the inside of her lip. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I thought you were talking to Dad, but when I realised you weren’t, it was too late. I was already listening.”
Chuck turned to shoot a small glare at Blair, which she returned, and then looked back at Mia. “And after you had this information, what did you do? Did you speak to your mother?”
“Noooo…” Mia said, now feeling slightly guilty. “I…I tried so hard to fix it, by making you see that you still love each other, but in the end it didn’t work because what you’re fighting about is too big for me to deal with. No one can fix that but you two.”
Her father’s eyes narrowed. “We’ll get to that in a minute. What do you mean ‘fix it’?”
And so Mia repeated for them the last month and a half, the way it had been for her, leaving out some details of course (learning her parents had sex in their limo, her Thanksgiving encounter with Jack, her seeing Jack opposite Tiffany, her birthday encounter with Jack).
By the end of the explanation, Blair’s eyes were wide and Chuck was slack-jawed.
“You tried to set us up?” Blair choked out.
Mia pinched her thumb and forefinger together. “Just a little.”
The look Chuck and Blair shared this time wasn’t angry, but incredulous, and Mia would have giggled if the mood weren’t so serious. They had been played by their own daughter. It had to sting.
Blair opened her mouth, probably to comment of how unladylike her behaviour had been (to which Mia would have snorted and thrown some of Blair’s actions back in her face), but Mia held out a hand to forestall her.
“No, enough about that. You both know I hate you fighting and I’ve gone to great lengths to get you to acknowledge each other, but that will all be for nothing if we don’t get to the heart of the matter.”
Chuck sighed and leaned back against the headboard of the bed.
Mia was having none of this attitude. They were going to do this now or never. Besides, they’d already come too far. No use backing out now.
She turned to her father. “Did you really cheat on Mother with a woman named Amelia?”
He was silent and staring off into the distance for a long moment, but then he met her eyes. “Yes, I did.”
“All right then. That’s something at least. Now,” she swept her hand towards Blair, “talk to her about it.”
He looked shocked. “That’s it? What am I supposed to say? It happened twenty-eight years ago!”
Mia shrugged. “This conversation doesn’t come with instructions. Just talk. And don’t tell me it happened twenty-eight years ago. Tell her!”
From the corner of her eye, Mia saw Blair smirk in satisfaction. Mia turned to her and said, “Don’t get all self-righteous just yet. It’s your turn next.”
Blair’s smirk dropped just as Chuck sat up straight and turned to his wife.
He sighed. “So, twenty-eight years ago, I left you on a helipad to go to Tuscany alone so that I could have sex with the decorator. You already know that. You know why I didn’t join you in Tuscany later. You know everything that happened before and after you got back. I thought we’d been over this already. Why does it bother you so much all of a sudden?”
Blair groaned. “It bothers me because for eighteen years, we’ve had a daughter who shares the name of that same decorator. Can you honestly say you haven’t looked at Mia and thought of the woman you abandoned me for?”
Chuck’s eyes dropped to the bedspread and then moved up to Mia. She met his gaze but kept her face blank. This wasn’t her conversation anymore.
He turned back to Blair. “If we’re going to be honest then yes, you’re right. There have been times when I have looked at Mia and seen the other Amelia.” Seeing Blair about to interrupt he hurried on, “But not for the reason you think! I might not have felt guilty about my decisions when I made them, but I have since. So when I look at our daughter, I feel guilty, for what I did, for why I did it, for not telling you why I hated the name Amelia when you were pregnant. Guilt, Blair, that’s all I feel. Why do you think I tried so hard to come up with a nickname?”
Blair brushed her hair angrily out of her eyes. “You could have saved yourself all that if you’d just told me. I would never have named her Amelia if I knew your reasons!”
“But it had been so long! A small part of you has held on to what I did to you and never forgiven it. I didn’t want to bring it up eleven years later and hurt you more.”
“Of course, because twenty-eight years makes it hurt so much less.”
Chuck sighed and scrubbed his face with both hands. “Look, we can’t change it now. I know that I should have told you. It would have been better for everyone involved if I’d come clean. But I couldn’t bear to see the same hurt in your eyes again. You’d finally trusted me completely. We were married, we were having a baby. Do you think I wanted to endanger that?”
Blair turned away from her husband and daughter, staring off into the distance. She was silent for a long time, making Mia wonder if all this effort would be a waste of time. If Blair wasn’t prepared to move forward, nothing Chuck or Mia said or did would change it. Once Queen B made up her mind there was no moving her, and the whole Upper East Side knew it.
Finally, she turned to Mia and folded her arms over her chest. “Do I have to forgive him?”
Mia tried to remain cool and composed; it looked like she’d been voted mediator. The knowledge sent her mind into overdrive. She wanted to grab Blair and shake her, yell that, yes, she did have to forgive him, because he was obviously sorry and he loved her so much.
But she controlled herself. A meltdown wasn’t going to help anyone and her forcing her parents into forgiveness would ultimately only result in more fighting.
So she thought hard for a long moment about all their options and then said, “No, you don’t have to forgive him today. Today is about acceptance. Forgiveness comes later, but you have to be willing to let it.”
Blair huffed and glanced at Chuck, who was watching her carefully. She said, “I accept your apology, but I’m still angry and you’re not forgiven.” She glanced at her daughter. “Yet.”
Chuck’s tense shoulders eased and Mia wanted to jump up and dance. Blair, stubborn and proud as she was, would forgive Chuck eventually, and of her own free will. She probably wouldn’t even notice it, never wake up one morning thinking that that would be the day; it would just come with time.
Mia, still reminding herself that she was mediator, allowed herself a small smile. But it was wiped off when Chuck’s voice broke the silence.
“So, are we moving on to the bigger issue now?”
And just like that the mood in the room changed. The silence around them was tense and heavy, filled with secrets and guilt and regret and blame, and God knew what else. The Amelia issue was not, had never, been the problem, having only arisen less than a week ago. This issue was the real problem, the one that had carried them through eight years and brought them to this moment.
Chuck might find this impossible to forgive…and Mia didn’t know if she could either.
All three of them sat avoiding each others eyes, and Mia knew that it was up to her to break the ice again, maybe even steer the conversation; Chuck and Blair were too guilt-ridden.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, let’s go back to the beginning. I was born, Daddy was already successful and, Mom, you were working on expanding Eleanor Waldorf designs. And, from what I gathered at breakfast the other day, Daddy wanted another baby. Is that right?”
Chuck and Blair nodded, he firmly and she reluctantly.
“All right, so Dad, why don’t you tell us why you wanted to expand the family?”
“It ought to be obvious. We had both been only children, who had always sought the unattainable approval of our parents. I didn’t want you, Mia, to grow up lonely. As you said, both Blair and I were on the rise at work. I didn’t want to think of you left at home with just the maid for company if we both had to go away for business at the same time. And if we’re all still being honest, then I’ll add that I loved having you as a baby. Caring for you, watching you learn, was more fulfilling than any of the business deals I was making. I wanted to do it again.”
Mia felt her heart swell for her father. He was such a good man, no matter what he’d done in his youth or what he was doing now. He loved her and he loved Blair, she knew it.
She turned to her mother and couldn’t stop her voice growing hard. “And you didn’t want another baby?”
Blair turned from both of them. “…No.”
She heard Chuck sigh angrily and, before Mia could censor herself, the question that had been running on a constant loop through her mind for the last few days was coming out of her mouth. “Did you want me?”
Chuck caught his breath and Blair turned back around sharply. The look of wide-eyed shock answered Mia’s question before her voice could.
“Of course I wanted you! You were my daughter, my own little baby, how could I not want you?”
Mia was speechless, her mouth gaping. Had Blair’s son not also been her ‘own little baby’?
“But…then why didn’t you want…” Mia paused. She didn’t want to call her brother ‘the baby’ but she couldn’t really call him by his name, Charles, either. She mentally shook her head and settled with ‘him’.
“Why didn’t you want him?”
It was here that the strangest thing happened, to Mia anyway, who was expecting her mother to turn all defensive.
Blair’s lower lip quivered and she let out a ragged breath as a fat tear spilled over onto her cheek. But she didn’t stop at one. Soon, both her cheeks were glistening in the light as tears continued to roll down them.
She said, “I know what you must think. That I’m a horrible mother, a cold-hearted bitch, who doesn’t feel for anyone. But it’s not true. I loved him. I loved him so much, from the very moment I knew he existed.”
“Then why did you complain so much? Why did you never put in any effort or show that you cared?” said Chuck.
Blair sobbed and when she spoke next her voice was tortured. “Because I envied him too, just like I envied Mia. When she was born, you loved her so much. Everything you did, you did for her. You got up in the morning for her, you went to work for her, you came home for her. You took her to the park, toy shopping, you stayed home when she was sick. You even drove her all the way to the Hampton’s once, because she said she missed it when it wasn’t summer time. I knew, I knew, that the other baby would be just the same. You’d divide your time between Mia and him, and I’d just be there, always second best and always alone. You were the only one in my whole life who ever put me first. Nate always wanted Serena, my father moved away to France to be with Roman, my mother had her designs. You think I didn’t know that you loved Mia and then him more than you loved me? I could tell. I could feel it. I envied them because I didn’t want to lose you, but none of it mattered because I’ve lost you anyway.”
She buried her face in her hands so her next words were slightly muffled but no less agonised. “You don’t know, you don’t understand how much I’ve hated and blamed myself. When I think of him there, so still, so quiet, and know that a part of me, however small, wished he’d never come into existence…You’re right. It was me. It was my fault. I willed him to die because I was so selfish.”
If Blair spoke again, neither Mia nor Chuck heard her, because her sobs overcame her words.
Mia’s eyes couldn’t leave her mother, even when she tried to force them away, and she knew that for the rest of her life she’d remember this, the sight of her mother hunched over and crying, and looking more alone than anyone ever wanted to be.
Her father had told her once about the insecurities Blair had faced as a child and teenager, in the hopes that his daughter would never feel what she had. She couldn’t believe that those very same insecurities, which everyone faced but which seemed to haunt Blair, had been the cause of so many years of hate and jealousy.
Mia shook herself out of her stupor and looked to her father. She almost gasped aloud when she saw the moisture gathered in his eyes. Never in her life had she seen him cry, was almost convinced that he, the great Chuck Bass, didn’t have the ability.
He moved slowly, as if underwater, bridging the distance between himself and Blair, and closed his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. She clutched at him desperately, blindly, and tried to burrow into him. Chuck was whispering to her, or making soothing noises of some sort, but they were lost when he buried his face in her hair.
Watching them, Mia felt a prickle behind her eyes and a sharp pain in her nose. So she crawled up to her parents and put her arms around them both, holding on tightly.
In the back of her mind, Mia was suddenly glad she’d locked the door. While it might have been humbling for someone to come across the Waldorf-Bass’s in a tearful embrace, it was most definitely a family moment. It would be more than wrong for someone else, no matter how close to the family, to intrude. Not even Jack belonged here.
Gradually, Blair’s sobs eased, Chuck’s tears dried and Mia regained control of emotions. They all sat back, but in much closer proximity than they had been before.
Chuck cupped Blair’s face in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me all this? I could have helped, or at the very least reassured you that I still loved you as much as ever. I loved you all equally, as cliché as it is to say. I didn’t realise you felt excluded, I just thought you weren’t…interested.”
“Did you hate me, after he was born?”
Chuck shook his head. “No, I couldn’t.”
“But you always tried to avoid me.”
“Because I thought you’d blame me for wanting another child! I was trying to give you space, and then when I tried to come back you pushed me away.”
A shadow of a sneer appeared on Blair’s face. “So you went out and found other women?”
He sighed. “No, I didn’t. I waited for you. I didn’t have any woman, including you, for five years after him.”
“Five years? What changed?”
“You,” he said painfully. “You told me, point blank, that you didn’t want me anymore. You threw ornaments at my head and told me to leave you alone, for good.”
Another tear fell down Blair’s face and Chuck brushed it away with a thumb. “I didn’t mean it! I wanted to hurt you! I hurt so much and I thought hurting you would help ease it, like when we were in high school.”
“But?”
“But I was wrong. You did what I said and I was more alone than ever.”
After that none of them spoke, and sat in silence, yet again. It was different this time though, or so Mia thought. Yes, there was pain in the air, as fresh as it had been eight years ago on April 10, when Charles Bartholomew Bass the Second had been born already dead.
But there was hope too, not yet able to lighten the mood, but still there, just under the surface.
Mia sat back on her heels and watched her parents. She already knew that she had forgiven her mother, although Mia had no right to condemn her, and knew that Chuck had already forgiven her as well, which would go a long way to helping Blair.
Because it was Blair who needed to forgive herself. If she could work towards doing that, everything would be all right. Nothing could be solved immediately, because too much had happened, there was too much history. It would take time and baby steps.
A small, soft smile graced Mia’s lips as the room continued to lighten with the natural sunlight of the new day.
xoxo
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