(no subject)
So its been a few months now since Ive updated my LJ.
Why do it now?
No reason, just finding a new place to blog my thoughts.
Lately I been having alot of problems. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I feel so trapt, and so lonely that I have nothing to share with anyone. I feel so pathetic that I cant even share something funnie, scary, joyous, or even downright sad, without the fake responses, and even genuine interest. I try not to take it to heart, and realize that people are selfish as they are, and I cant expect them to change on my whim. Yet at the same time, Its so hard for me to relate to people. I try to talk to them, and make the conversation as fluid as possible, but theres these breaks of silence, and I start to get really uncomfortable. I have such a fear of not being able to connect, that im so aware of whats going on, that things start to get weird, and forced. IM working on it, I even started to talk outloud to myself, making it more comfortable for me to speak my mind, without stuttering or even looking foolish.
Im writing my blogs referring to myself, its justanother way for me to think aloud. Maybe I need to just get drunk and become more inhibited. Only then I dont care what I do or say, Im more happy going, and I just want to meet new people. Haha. I think its just my excuse to be that way..
I dont know what to do with bryan. GOsh. I love him so much, but I dont know how to talk to him anymore. I feel so disregarded. Everytime I talk about snowboarding, or even my trip to hawaii, he doesnt seemn happy for me. ITs as though, me branching out and being a person, rubs him the wrong way. I wish he could be supported, and happy, and again, interested in my life as an individual. Everytime I just bring up a funnie moment on the way to my snowboarding trips, I get this weird vibe, as though he doesnt want to hear shit. what the fuck is that? I cant even share happy moments? Every once in a while he says Im his, because he Owns me. And that scares me. Why would anyone say that? even in a joking matter? I think that personally stems from his view point, and it just comes out as a joke, but he means it in a way. I dont want to be owned, i want to be equal, a real significant other, not a owned piece of property. I wish we could talk like before. DO all relationships go through this slump, where conversation seems to lack substance? I remember being able to lay around in bed for hours, talking random shit, and just enjoying it, letting time fly by. Now its like silence, and alot of rushing of something to do and going somewhere, but nothing planned or even considered. Its like we're always in a hurry to do nohting.
Again I cant talk to him about this. He says that when I have talks with him, its just to put him down and it hurts him alot. And I believe at some extent hes right. I think I do talk down too much, and maybe a lil too harsh. But i really dont try to come off that way. So lately I been biting my lip. Im hoping if I keep my hands off, and just be more laxed, he'll come around and see that im more on his level, not a stern mother telling him what his faults are. Im doing what I think can improve and make this relationship better. I have no real experience prior to know what Im doing is correct or not, but im puting my heart into this. And if this ends bitterly or even unjustly, I can say that I really gave it a real shot, and did what I could.
I wont be at fault, and I wont be blamed, well from my point of view of course.
School is coming up quicky, and Im getting pretty nervous. I have 3 business clases, and 1 work out class in the morninnig.
Im going to join swimming, I think. I dont know whats going to happen if i get my period? What do swimmers do? eesh thats so wierd.
I never been in the pool with my period, I feel so nasty, as if im planting a virus in the pool haha.
Im kinda worried, because this semester I will be going to school at West Valley College too. sigh. I dont even want to get into that, Just alot of repetitive worries.
i leave this friday for hawaii. alone. Sigh. IF i come back, and hes forgotten who I am, and doesnt remember why hes with me, I guess its over. Im seeing this trip as a make or break concept. I hope we make it.
Why do it now?
No reason, just finding a new place to blog my thoughts.
Lately I been having alot of problems. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I feel so trapt, and so lonely that I have nothing to share with anyone. I feel so pathetic that I cant even share something funnie, scary, joyous, or even downright sad, without the fake responses, and even genuine interest. I try not to take it to heart, and realize that people are selfish as they are, and I cant expect them to change on my whim. Yet at the same time, Its so hard for me to relate to people. I try to talk to them, and make the conversation as fluid as possible, but theres these breaks of silence, and I start to get really uncomfortable. I have such a fear of not being able to connect, that im so aware of whats going on, that things start to get weird, and forced. IM working on it, I even started to talk outloud to myself, making it more comfortable for me to speak my mind, without stuttering or even looking foolish.
Im writing my blogs referring to myself, its justanother way for me to think aloud. Maybe I need to just get drunk and become more inhibited. Only then I dont care what I do or say, Im more happy going, and I just want to meet new people. Haha. I think its just my excuse to be that way..
I dont know what to do with bryan. GOsh. I love him so much, but I dont know how to talk to him anymore. I feel so disregarded. Everytime I talk about snowboarding, or even my trip to hawaii, he doesnt seemn happy for me. ITs as though, me branching out and being a person, rubs him the wrong way. I wish he could be supported, and happy, and again, interested in my life as an individual. Everytime I just bring up a funnie moment on the way to my snowboarding trips, I get this weird vibe, as though he doesnt want to hear shit. what the fuck is that? I cant even share happy moments? Every once in a while he says Im his, because he Owns me. And that scares me. Why would anyone say that? even in a joking matter? I think that personally stems from his view point, and it just comes out as a joke, but he means it in a way. I dont want to be owned, i want to be equal, a real significant other, not a owned piece of property. I wish we could talk like before. DO all relationships go through this slump, where conversation seems to lack substance? I remember being able to lay around in bed for hours, talking random shit, and just enjoying it, letting time fly by. Now its like silence, and alot of rushing of something to do and going somewhere, but nothing planned or even considered. Its like we're always in a hurry to do nohting.
Again I cant talk to him about this. He says that when I have talks with him, its just to put him down and it hurts him alot. And I believe at some extent hes right. I think I do talk down too much, and maybe a lil too harsh. But i really dont try to come off that way. So lately I been biting my lip. Im hoping if I keep my hands off, and just be more laxed, he'll come around and see that im more on his level, not a stern mother telling him what his faults are. Im doing what I think can improve and make this relationship better. I have no real experience prior to know what Im doing is correct or not, but im puting my heart into this. And if this ends bitterly or even unjustly, I can say that I really gave it a real shot, and did what I could.
I wont be at fault, and I wont be blamed, well from my point of view of course.
School is coming up quicky, and Im getting pretty nervous. I have 3 business clases, and 1 work out class in the morninnig.
Im going to join swimming, I think. I dont know whats going to happen if i get my period? What do swimmers do? eesh thats so wierd.
I never been in the pool with my period, I feel so nasty, as if im planting a virus in the pool haha.
Im kinda worried, because this semester I will be going to school at West Valley College too. sigh. I dont even want to get into that, Just alot of repetitive worries.
i leave this friday for hawaii. alone. Sigh. IF i come back, and hes forgotten who I am, and doesnt remember why hes with me, I guess its over. Im seeing this trip as a make or break concept. I hope we make it.