So uncomfortable
I feel really anxious. This past week, my family has been together (first trip without mikey) for the 4th of July in West Virginia, and now NYC. they leave tomorrow and i will be doing my thing again here. this time leaving them though, I don't feel any sense of relief. usually, i feel so relieved that I won't have to pretend that I am doing so well anymore. this time, I feel guilty. I feel like I AM doing so well compared to them, even though my "well" totally sux. let me explain: the condition of my family seems to be worsening as we all draw away from each other. not necessarily BECAUSE we draw away from each other, but the process is definitely accelerated that way. maybe i am doing just slightly better then all of them because i have the advantage of being closer to mikey then they are, so i'm that much more well-informed. Don't get me wrong. we are definitely at that point in the family vacation where we want to rip each other apart. this gathering needs to end in that sense. i just worry so much for all of them. this family can't take another death. I think we all think we are fooling each other with how well we are doing. So untrue. Plus, I have recently disposed of a really good friend because of "irreconcilable differences," but I could really use his help right now. Let's see, what would Mikey, the rock of the family, tell me to do right now? What Would Mikey Do? WWMD? Love, love, love. Jeez, it's amazing how fast things fall apart without such major pieces. I wish we woulda had a pet fish that we really loved, and then that fish woulda died and made us all really sad, rather than mikey peacing out and just leaving a mess. cause we coulda totally recover from a dead fish. it would probably even make us stronger. this has just broken us apart. ok, i need to be productive here before we lose another child in this family. let's see: i think the only thing that we haven't done yet is act like hippies. i need to try my best to remind everyone in the family that we all need to love love love. we can't keep judging each other and ourselves. its just destructive. whether any one of us feels like we want to die or not, the one thing we all share is that we want each other to be happy. we need to help each other. if not, mikey is just a domino. one death followed by the next, followed by the next. now if only i felt like following my own advice. i still know i won't ever achieve happiness. it just isn't in the pages for me. i suppose the closest i will ever get to happiness is watching the people i love achieve it. god this is hard. at least ive been having dreams about mikey the past few nights. i love that. it reminds me that we really are part of each other, and always will be. i just wish he was still more than a memory. soooo fucking annoying. i think i need to have a good cry as soon as the family leaves.