Sitting in the Rain
Title: Sitting in the Rain
Author: LadyKatie
Characters: Wilson
Rating: PG
Warnings: spoilers
Summary: Wilson needs someone to talk to after the events of the season 5 finale. 818 words.
Disclaimer: I do not own House M.D., nor am I making money off this. No copyright infringement is intended.
“Hey,” Wilson said somewhat awkwardly. “I didn’t know where else to go. I needed to talk to someone. And you… I always want to talk to you. I probably should be at the wedding instead.” He looked down at his watch. “Well, it would be the end of the reception by now. I’m glad it at least stayed nice here. It seemed like the further we drove the more depressing the weather got. And it wouldn’t just rain. It was that drizzly kind of rain. It’s not wet enough to say it’s raining, but it’s not dry enough to be anything but depressing.”
He felt silly, especially rambling the way he was and looked around, but there was no one else there. Deciding that he didn’t really give a shit about his nice, pressed slacks he knelt down on the grass and got comfortable. He was pleased that someone had planted flowers recently. Possibly her mother. Wilson reached over and pulled some weeds from around the stone.
Amber Volakis
1975-2008
“I left him in a psychiatric hospital. I just left him there. He was scared and alone and I left him there. And I feel like shit for it, even though I know this is what’s best. He was hallucinating. He was seeing you, of all people. And when he first told me it was you…” he trailed off with a humorless laugh. “It’s so stupid, but I was jealous. I was actually jealous that he was hallucinating! Why should he get to see you when I can’t? And I know it’s not really you. That’s impossible, but some days I think I could settle for an illusion of you.”
His voice dropped to a pained whisper. “Some days I look at him and I think about you. Sometimes I wonder if I should still be mad at him because he’s alive and you’re not. Today I couldn’t be mad. I couldn’t feel anything but pain. It felt like… like you were dying again, only it was House this time. I felt like I was going to lose him just as if he was dying. I don’t want to lose him too. I didn’t think I’d ever feel alive again after I lost you. I can’t go through that again. It’s too much.”
He picked at some of the weeds around the flowers again, lost in thought and grief and trying to ignore the tears threatening to spill. Off in the west, the clouds were moving in now. Maybe they were just following him.
“But this isn’t about me, is it? I accused House of trying to make everything about him, but here I am doing the same thing. I think… I think that I do that a lot.”
He considered that for several more seconds. He finally shook his head in disbelief and shame.
“When something happens to House I always think about how it will affect me first. Maybe I thought it would be easier to deal with if I just blamed him for everything. Or maybe I’m just that damn selfish. Maybe I did this to him. Maybe it’s my fault he’s sick. I wasn’t a good friend. He needed me and I walked away. And I know it doesn’t make sense, but I felt like I was walking away all over again today.”
He wiped at the moisture on his face. He didn’t realize he’d started to cry.
“He was so scared. I’ve never seen him like that. Never. I like to think he’s untouchable, that nothing will ever destroy him. He’s been shot, held hostage and his heart’s stopped more times than any other living person I think. But you see, he survives. That’s what he does. Maybe I took it for granted that he would always be around. I thought nothing could break him. I thought… that he was strong.”
The tears came down faster now and Wilson waited until he had it under control before speaking to her again. He looked at the gravestone sadly, wishing with all his heart that the entire last year hadn’t happened.
“I like to think you can hear me. I know I haven’t come here in several months, but I’m trying to move on, like you would have wanted. I miss you though.” He could hear the higher pitch to his voice and took a minute to reign in the emotion. It was too much.
Just as he was about to stand and leave he felt the beginnings of the rain storm. The drops were hitting his jacket faster and faster, but now he didn’t want to go. The rain felt right. It felt like he needed to be there. It was comforting, cleansing even. Maybe if he sat there long enough it would take his guilt and fix everything that was so wrong. So he sat and waited for everything to be better again.