Therapy journal: entry four - what I want/miss in my parents
Assignment two of this week is a little more difficult but not. Nathalia wants me to list what things I want in a mother and father. I think I might do with with the things I HAD with Dad and Grandma and things I wish I had with Mom.
The "good" parents* first:
Dad and Grandma were people who:
listened when I spoke about things
engaged in discussions
if they did disagree, at least heard my arguments out
shared the things they enjoyed
didn't get angry when I didn't like the same things
gave clear instructions, not just barked orders
didn't use 'because I told you so'
let me just BE sometimes
encouraged my curiosity
didn't berate me because I struggled or didn't know something
laughed with me
treated me as an individual
outlined that actions had consequences
was proud of me 'just because'
TOLD me they were proud of me 'just because'
had special little rituals that were just for us
didn't use excessive physical discipline (Dad popped me ONCE for saying the N-word and lying. Grandma spanked me when I was little, mostly around trying to coax my sister out of the NYC apartment window to feed the pigeons.
Surprisingly, NONE-ONE spanked me for catching the decorative weeds in the living room on fire by sparking the empty lighter, burning up them and a big patch of the living room carpet, hustling my sister and cousin Lystra down into the basement to protect them while I used the potty to dump water on the fire and then followed my Grandmother around the house asking 'where the smoke was coming from' like she was, like I didn't almost burn the house down. When I admitted it, I for sure thought I was going to die and started packing my things to run away.)
*I put an asterisk because Dad really was mom's enabler when it came to a lot of her toxic behavior and let her get away with a lot of bullshit he shouldn't have. Grandma wasn't, and it's taken me this long to realize that in the early days, Grandma was in the 'mom' role, not really Mom and did not stand for her bullshit at all.
See everything above.
the ability to see me as an adult, not a child
acknowledging my expertise without being shamed into it
a compassionate person
someone willing to share information that is important
someone who checks in to make sure I'm OK
someone who doesn't shove their religion down my throat
someone who doesn't need to compare me to everyone else
someone doesn't treat giving affection/concern/etc. as 'transactional'
someone who acts like a human being
The "good" parents* first:
Dad and Grandma were people who:
listened when I spoke about things
engaged in discussions
if they did disagree, at least heard my arguments out
shared the things they enjoyed
didn't get angry when I didn't like the same things
gave clear instructions, not just barked orders
didn't use 'because I told you so'
let me just BE sometimes
encouraged my curiosity
didn't berate me because I struggled or didn't know something
laughed with me
treated me as an individual
outlined that actions had consequences
was proud of me 'just because'
TOLD me they were proud of me 'just because'
had special little rituals that were just for us
didn't use excessive physical discipline (Dad popped me ONCE for saying the N-word and lying. Grandma spanked me when I was little, mostly around trying to coax my sister out of the NYC apartment window to feed the pigeons.
Surprisingly, NONE-ONE spanked me for catching the decorative weeds in the living room on fire by sparking the empty lighter, burning up them and a big patch of the living room carpet, hustling my sister and cousin Lystra down into the basement to protect them while I used the potty to dump water on the fire and then followed my Grandmother around the house asking 'where the smoke was coming from' like she was, like I didn't almost burn the house down. When I admitted it, I for sure thought I was going to die and started packing my things to run away.)
*I put an asterisk because Dad really was mom's enabler when it came to a lot of her toxic behavior and let her get away with a lot of bullshit he shouldn't have. Grandma wasn't, and it's taken me this long to realize that in the early days, Grandma was in the 'mom' role, not really Mom and did not stand for her bullshit at all.
See everything above.
the ability to see me as an adult, not a child
acknowledging my expertise without being shamed into it
a compassionate person
someone willing to share information that is important
someone who checks in to make sure I'm OK
someone who doesn't shove their religion down my throat
someone who doesn't need to compare me to everyone else
someone doesn't treat giving affection/concern/etc. as 'transactional'
someone who acts like a human being