(no subject)

[ladyjestyr]

A friend of mine at work wrote this, and it needs to be immortalised. It's a bit long, though, so...

STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Chris Anderson [who really liked it, but enjoys poking fun]

The word STAR WARS appears in big letters, saving Lucas thousands of dollars he would have spent creating an original beginning for each movie.

PAN UP TO PLANET WITH THOUSANDS OF INSECTS BUZZING AROUND IT:

HUGE SILVER SPACESHIP (which looks really cool) FLIES OVERHEAD THEN LANDS ON CORUSCANT:

EXT. CORUSCANT, LANDING PLATFORM - DAWN

Senator Amidala walks down the ramp. The ship explodes in a huge ball of flame that strangely doesn't spread out at all but stills knocks her over.

Captain Typho runs over and checks on the Senator:


CAPTAIN TYPHO
Are you OK?
FAKE SENATOR
No, I'm just an extra, who gets paid peanuts to get killed off early, pretending to be Senator Amidala.
THE REAL SENATOR AMIDALA
Yes, sorry about that.
AUDIENCE
Darn it George! Didn't we get enough of this "Who's the real Amidala?" crap
in the last movie?

INT. CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE - BIG ROOM WITH COOL VIEW

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine sits in a chair that looks suspiciously like
the Emperor's throne from Return of the Jedi


PALPATINE
Send some Jedi to protect whoever is pretending to be Senator Amidala.
MACE WINDU (SAM JACKSON)
No prob Bro. I know just the dude.

INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT, MAIN ROOM - NIGHT:


ANAKIN
She barely remembered me. I would give my right arm to be with her.
OBI-WAN
Remember your vows my young padawan.
ANAKIN
Just being around her is...intoxicating.
OBI-WAN
Yes she apologised for that - she bought some new deodorant that should help.
ANAKIN
Besides, I hate everything, and I always find something to complain about.

An assassin sends a flying droid that drops some giant caterpillars into Amidala's room. Anakin and Obi-Wan kill the bugs, then Obi-Wan jumps through the window, grabs the droid and clings to it as it flies around Coruscant. Anakin steals a speeder and rescues Obi-Wan. They chase the assassin, until Anakin takes a short cut.


OBI-WAN
Good job, nob-head, you lost him.
ANAKIN
Why do you always criticise me? I'm outta here.

Anakin then jumps out of the speeder and drops 1 km to land safely on the
bounty hunter's speeding vehicle.


OBI-WAN
I hate it when he does that!
AUDIENCE
What, jump out of a speeder?
OBI-WAN
No, when he uses that freakin' whiny, soap-opera voice of his.
AUDIENCE
No wonder Luke is a whinger - It must be hereditary.

The bounty hunter is killed before they can get any info, but the dart that killed her is traced to a planet called Kamino (named after the traditional dress of Japanese women).

INT. SENATE BUILDING, AMIDALA'S APARTMENT - DAY


PADMÉ
Representative Binks. I know I can count on you. It makes sense leaving the fate of the galaxy in the hands of a bungling idiot.
JAR JAR
Yousa betten ya cute ass mon.
AUDIENCE
What?! Jar Jar again?! George, do you listen to us at all?

Anakin and Padmé claim to be refugees and take off for Naboo. Padmé looks like a Senator pretending to be a refugee, complete with enormous headpiece.


GEORGE LUCAS
Yes, but by giving them refugee outfits, I can make two extra action figures!

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, TRAINING VERANDA - DAY

Yoda is teaching little kiddy Jedi to use their lightsabers:


YODA
All right younglings, can you say: "Midichlorians"?
JEDI KID
Master Yoda, no one talks about them any more.
YODA
Why not?
JEDI KID
Because last time the audience thought it was a load of crap and preferred
to leave the force as a mystery.
YODA
Thank you padawan wise ass, go back to being cute you should.

Yoda turns to Obi-Wan:


OBI-WAN
I traced the dart to a planet called Kamino, then wasted 5 minutes of the audience's time in the library, but couldn't find the planet. What should I do?
YODA
Lost a planet Obi-Wan has. What to do, stuffed if I know. Ask the children I will.
OBI-WAN
How about I go to this imaginary planet and leave the pubescent, hormone-crazed Anakin to look after the gorgeous single woman?
YODA
A great idea that is!

Yoda secretly thinks: Maybe they'll get it on and we'll get some more Jedi. After all, in the original trilogy use of the force is supposed to be inherited, yet suddenly it turns out that the Jedi take vows of celibacy. No wonder we have trouble finding new recruits.

INT. NABOO LAKE RETREAT, LODGE, FIREPLACE ALCOVE - TWILIGHT


ANAKIN
If you are suffering as much as I am, tell me.
AUDIENCE
George! When we heard you'd hired a professional scriptwriter we thought we wouldn't have to put up with poxy, hollow lines delivered in a wooden manner.
GEORGE LUCAS
Hey, it's my movie. I paid for it. I'll use cheap unknown actors if I want to.
PADMÉ
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
ANAKIN
I hate sand. I hate everything. Except you.
[Audience vomits]
ANAKIN
[staring solidly at her rack] Everything here is soft and beautiful.

EXT. TIPOCA CITY, KAMINO LANDING PLATFORM (RAINSTORM) - DAY

Obi-Wan gets out of his star fighter in the pouring rain. It rains all day every day in Kamino, but no one thought to build indoor landing platforms.


TAUN WE (long-necked cloner chick)
Welcome Master Jedi. We made you some clones. Would you like to see them?
OBI-WAN
Send in the clones!

Obi-Wan checks out the clones then goes and meets Jango Fett and his son Boba.


BOBA FETT
Dad! Taun We's here! With some guy in brown clothes.
JANGO FETT
Boba, you sound like an ignorant hick kid. I'm sending you to Elocution School so you can completely change your accent and learn to say menacing lines like "He's worth a lot to ME".

Obi-Wan leaves and calls Mace Windu and Yoda. They tell him to bring Jango down to the station for questioning. He tries. They have a cool fight. Jango escapes. Obi-Wan follows him to GEONOSIS (a planet named after a computer company), and finds out about Count Dooku's evil plan to give emergency powers to Palpatine.


OBI-WAN
What kind of stupid bloody name is Dooku? I'm calling him Count Doo Doo from now on.

Obi-Wan calls Anakin and asks him to send a message to Coruscant, and then gets caught by Doo Doo. Obi-Wan is being held in mid air by a magical 'Jedi Prison'.


DOO DOO
Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon Jinn never told you who your father was did he?
OBI-WAN
He told me enough. He told me YOU killed him
DOO DOO
No, Obi-Wan. I AM YOUR FATHER.

EXT. TATOOINE

Meanwhile Anakin kills a bunch of sand people trying to rescue his Mum, but she dies anyway. We're all very sad. He then gets the message from Obi-Wan. Padmé presses the "Re-send message on to Coruscant" button and it is sent off. They then decide to go to and rescue Obi-Wan.

INT. CORUSCANT, MAIN SENATE CHAMBER - DAY

Everyone's favourite character Jar Jar helps give the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine emergency powers to make a clone army.


PALPATINE
What a shame, I get all this power. Don't worry though, I'll give it back really soon. I promise. Thanks Jar Jar!

INT. GEONOSIS, CORRIDORS - DAY

Anakin and Padmé try to rescue Obi-Wan, but end up in a slap-stick scene involving a battle droid factory. They get caught and are sent to the Arena to be executed.


PADMÉ
Well since we're about to die, I thought I'd tell you that I love you.
ANAKIN
You love me?!
PADMÉ
Yep. I truly, madly, deeply love you, just like in the Savage Garden song.

They find Obi-Wan in the Arena and get their butts kicked for a while. In an unfortunate accident Padmé's shirt is ripped, revealing her midriff, since there was no Jabba the Hutt around to make her wear a gold bikini. Finally she kicks the leopard thingy off the pole she's standing on.


NUTE GUNRAY
Foul!! She can't do zat... shoot her or someting! Where's my flied lice?

Suddenly the Jedi turn up, and we finally get our big battle. Most of the Jedi are useless and get killed quickly. The rest are invincible. Mace looks awesome in action and cuts off Jango's head. Things start to go downhill and the Jedi form a defensive circle and are surrounded.


COUNT DOO DOO
You have fought gallantly. Worthy of recognition in the history archives of the Jedi Order. But I think I'll kill you all anyway.

Just when things are looking grim, Yoda turns up with the clones and they kick ass.


YODA
Concentrate all fire on that giant bowling ball (that looks like ET's mother ship). At least, I think that's what Admiral Ackbar would say if he were here.

Doo Doo takes off on his motorbike. Anakin and Obi-Wan follow and they end up in a lightsaber fight. Anakin is knocked over by force lightning and lies in the corner steaming. Meanwhile Obi-Wan is wounded. Doo Doo is about to finish him when Anakin (who was unable to move a second ago) flies across the room and blocks the blow. They fight a bit, and Doo Doo cuts off Anakin's right arm.

Then Yoda turns up, throws his walking stick away and looks MEAN.


AUDIENCE
This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Doo Doo tries to use force lightning, but Yoda blocks it. Doo Doo realises the force lightning won't work, so he pulls out his lightsaber.


DOO DOO
I realise my force lighting won't work so I'm pulling out my lightsaber.
YODA
Well, duh.

They have an incredible lightsaber duel. The crowd goes wild. Then Doo Doo sends a column toppling over to fall on Obi-Wan and Anakin. Instead of just flicking them out of harms way, Yoda stops fighting and slowly stops the column, then moves it aside. Meanwhile Doo Doo escapes, completely unhurt despite facing 3 Jedi, including Yoda.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - SUNSET


OBI-WAN
Lucky we had the clones to save our Jedi asses and secure victory.
YODA
Victory, you say? Not victory, a defeat, it was... begun the Clone War has!
OBI-WAN
Oh man. That sucks.

EXT. NABOO LAKE RETREAT, LODGE, GARDEN - LATE DAY

Anakin and Padmé get married by the lake.


PADMÉ
Why does your new hand looks like the Terminator's?
ANAKIN
Because we don't have the technology to make it look real yet. Maybe by the time our children start losing their hands, droids will be able to replace them with realistic ones.
C3PO
Why do I always have to be the bridesmaid, can't R2D2 do it for once?


GEORGE LUCAS
Thanks for coming to see my movie. Actually I don't really care what you thought since I just want to tell a story. If it makes a billion at the box office, I can't help that.

The credits roll up.