Why does The King stalk my life?
So, it is 3:17 am and I am awake watching re-runs of Conan O'Brien-- like I always do over the summer. During this particular re-run I was blessed with the appearance of the Walker, Texas Ranger Lever (this is actually the same episode I saw with Nicole last week, but that isn't the point). The appearance of the lever prompted me to wonder if Walker was out on DVD, and because this is what I do, I looked it up. I went to amazon.com and typed in Walker, Texas Ranger and the DVD for the final season popped up! I started reading the reviews and this was the second review on the page (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0008KLVB4/qid=1116313999/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/002-8387502-0657635?v=glance&s=dvd&n=507846):
A True Gift from God, May 9, 2005
Reviewer: Tyler McGaughey "The Muskrat" (San Angelo, TX) - See all my reviews
In the annals of history, when all the fuss and speculation has died down, I have no doubts that it shall come to pass that Chuck Norris will finally be recognized as one of the finest actors in all recorded time. He has no rival, no parallel in this world or in any other; no one can compare to the sheer beauty and magnitude of his immaculate body of work.
In the year 1993, the people of this shallow, empty world were offered a glimpse of heavenly ambrosia in the form of a television show known as "Walker, Texas Ranger." Among scholars, philosophers, religious leaders, and foreign diplomats, there is no question that this show is the pinnacle of mankind's achievement in any field. The works of Shakespeare, Newton, Popeil, Christ and Mozart all pale in comparison to the unbelievable perfection found in this divine accomplishment.
But, sadly, the world was just not ready for the kind of pure, unadulterated brilliance found in this show, and in the year of Our Lord Two Thousand and One, A.D., we learned that we were to be deprived of Walker's sublime genius. This DVD set is a chronicle of that final year, a television season which some have seen as a parallel to the Biblical book of 'Revelations' because of the prophesies revealed therein.
I recommend this DVD set on the strength of one episode: "White Buffalo." In just one short hour of television, Chuck Norris, believed by many to be the true Messiah, shows us pitiful mortals the light. The episode's title refers to a drug that has found favor with a group of young ruffians who live on an Indian Reservation. This "reservation" can be seen as a modern representation of a leper colony, where all the undesirable elements of society are sent to live. In the episode's climax, two youths who are heavily under the influence of 'white buffalo' go crazy and fire gunshots at random items in the type of retail outlet typically known as a 'convenience store.' This act is obviously a parallel of the destruction of the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. In the iconic final shot of the episode, a large statue of a white buffalo sheds a solitary tear for what has befallen. This haunting image is a symbol of the way mankind corrupts and debases everything pure and beautiful that is given to us from above, (such as "Walker, Texas Ranger.") I'll admit, it's hard not to be spiritually moved by the site of that white buffalo and his lonely teardrop.
If there is a heart in your chest and a soul in your body, if you believe in the existence of a divine being, if you are just a sad, desperate person in search of some kind of salvation, I beseech you! Purchase this DVD set at once! It may be the closest any of us poor sinners ever get to a glimpse of the sweet afterlife.
I hope this person is joking. Otherwise they are on crack.
I just wanted to share this. Something as unintentionally funny as this review has not been seen since, well since I saw Charlie O'Connell about 4 hours ago on The Bachelor.
I've gotten about 5 mosquito bites in the past 3 days. Fuck Florida.
A True Gift from God, May 9, 2005
Reviewer: Tyler McGaughey "The Muskrat" (San Angelo, TX) - See all my reviews
In the annals of history, when all the fuss and speculation has died down, I have no doubts that it shall come to pass that Chuck Norris will finally be recognized as one of the finest actors in all recorded time. He has no rival, no parallel in this world or in any other; no one can compare to the sheer beauty and magnitude of his immaculate body of work.
In the year 1993, the people of this shallow, empty world were offered a glimpse of heavenly ambrosia in the form of a television show known as "Walker, Texas Ranger." Among scholars, philosophers, religious leaders, and foreign diplomats, there is no question that this show is the pinnacle of mankind's achievement in any field. The works of Shakespeare, Newton, Popeil, Christ and Mozart all pale in comparison to the unbelievable perfection found in this divine accomplishment.
But, sadly, the world was just not ready for the kind of pure, unadulterated brilliance found in this show, and in the year of Our Lord Two Thousand and One, A.D., we learned that we were to be deprived of Walker's sublime genius. This DVD set is a chronicle of that final year, a television season which some have seen as a parallel to the Biblical book of 'Revelations' because of the prophesies revealed therein.
I recommend this DVD set on the strength of one episode: "White Buffalo." In just one short hour of television, Chuck Norris, believed by many to be the true Messiah, shows us pitiful mortals the light. The episode's title refers to a drug that has found favor with a group of young ruffians who live on an Indian Reservation. This "reservation" can be seen as a modern representation of a leper colony, where all the undesirable elements of society are sent to live. In the episode's climax, two youths who are heavily under the influence of 'white buffalo' go crazy and fire gunshots at random items in the type of retail outlet typically known as a 'convenience store.' This act is obviously a parallel of the destruction of the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. In the iconic final shot of the episode, a large statue of a white buffalo sheds a solitary tear for what has befallen. This haunting image is a symbol of the way mankind corrupts and debases everything pure and beautiful that is given to us from above, (such as "Walker, Texas Ranger.") I'll admit, it's hard not to be spiritually moved by the site of that white buffalo and his lonely teardrop.
If there is a heart in your chest and a soul in your body, if you believe in the existence of a divine being, if you are just a sad, desperate person in search of some kind of salvation, I beseech you! Purchase this DVD set at once! It may be the closest any of us poor sinners ever get to a glimpse of the sweet afterlife.
I hope this person is joking. Otherwise they are on crack.
I just wanted to share this. Something as unintentionally funny as this review has not been seen since, well since I saw Charlie O'Connell about 4 hours ago on The Bachelor.
I've gotten about 5 mosquito bites in the past 3 days. Fuck Florida.