The Last Iteration: All This Has Happened Before … Chapter 13
The Last Iteration: All This Has Happened Before …
Chapter 13: On the Scale of Guilt, One Stone
Word Count: 2,675 words
Rating: T (PG-13)
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my craziness in this nBSG/Voyager crossover story. Battlestar Galactica belongs to Glen A. Larson, Ron D. Moore, David Eick, the Sci-Fi Channel, various and sundry companies and whoever owns them. Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Gene Roddenberry, Rick Berman, Michael Piller, Jeri Taylor, Paramount Studios, UPN, Viacom and whoever else owns pieces of the Star Trek franchise.
Spoilers: For nBSG - to Crossroads Part 2; for ST:V - to Endgame. Everything beyond is definitely alternate universe and a fairly cracked one at that!
Summary: The survivors of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol and the crew of the intrepid starship Voyager must find a way to break the cycle …
The Last Iteration: All This Has Happened Before …
Chapter 13: On the Scale of Guilt, One Stone
“I know it will work, Captain!” Harry Kim said excitedly. “We’re just starting to really get a feel for the technology the Admiral brought back from the future. If we use the deflector dish to amplify the transphasic targeting scanners, we can theoretically use them to scan as far away as Earth and Vulcan-perhaps even further-for lifesigns. The data can then be analyzed using astrometric sensor platforms. It’ll take work, but we can test it on Qo’NoS-after all, we know there are people there!”
Kathryn gazed proudly at him. Harry had grown up a lot-matured in so many ways, but in many ways he was still the same young man who’d stood so rigidly that first time in her ready room, she had thought he’d pass out forgetting to breathe. He was still the same, sweet Harry Kim whose mother had called before that fateful mission to the Badlands seven years ago; he’d forgotten his clarinet and she’d called to see if she could still get it to him in time.
Even though he was one of her most well adjusted officers-especially since their arrival in this universe-that connection to his parents was still strong after all these years, and she knew how it must hurt to know he’d never see them again.
Harry’s enthusiasm was infectious and she had to smile as she turned to the young woman seated next to Chakotay. “What do you think, Annika?” she asked.
“The theory is sound enough,” the former Borg replied. “We would have to watch the deflector relays very carefully or we risk a runaway cascade overload; if that happens, we may lose significant energy reserves.”
“Well it sounds like a risk we can afford to take-good work, Mr. Kim,” Kathryn said and he grinned happily as he thanked her. “It’s your ball, run with it.”
After the more junior officers left, Kathryn met Tuvok’s gaze, before turning to Chakotay, who was still looking over the model on a PADD. “Our Mr. Kim has done some impressive work,” she said.
“Yes, he has,” Chakotay replied. “But do you think it’s wise to get their hopes up again? Most have accepted the isolation again. What if it doesn’t work?”
Tuvok answered him before Kathryn could get over her surprise to formulate a reply. “Do you believe that the crew is unable to recognize that we are simply testing a theory, Commander?” he asked pointedly. “A theory that may or may not bear fruit.”
“Damn it, Tuvok!” Chakotay shouted. “You may not have to deal with inconvenient emotions like disappointment, but others do. I’m just asking that we think about how this will affect them if it does fail-people can only take so much.”
Tuvok might not show emotion, but Kathryn knew what those suddenly shuttered eyes meant; her old friend had as much reason as anyone to feel the acute disappointment of not getting home to Vulcan, to family … to sanity. On top of that, because of his inherent telepathic abilities, their entrance into this new universe had led to some sort of psionic shock, the consequence of which the doctor could only begin to speculate about.
Chakotay had no way of knowing about Tuvok’s disease, but Kathryn couldn’t help feel a certain disappointment that after all these years he would berate Tuvok for his emotional control. A control Tuvok would lose soon enough if there were no Vulcans on his homeworld able to help him.
Kathryn’s voice was quiet as she fought to keep the sadness out of it. “Believe me, Chakotay, I have thought about that. But if we allow that kind of thinking to paralyze us, we might as well lay down and give up right now,” she said. “And I’m not willing to do that and neither is the crew for the most part.”
Kathryn dismissed them and sat considering his words for a few moments longer. There had been times over the years when he’d advocated just stopping … “Even the eagle must know when to sleep,” came flooding back to her now and with it all the attendant memories of New Earth. She forced herself to ignore the emotions battering her tight chest.
Eagles slept, yes, but they never stopped leaping from the crags and soaring out into the unknown. They never stopped until they were too battered and injured to take to the skies … or until they were dead.
They were currently mining the planetoid in the SB157 system for terellium, and there was a palpable air of optimism around the ship. Various people had taken the young Klingons under their wings, making the young people’s integration into the crew even smoother than she’d thought possible. Kathryn needed to hang onto that sense of optimism.
Taking a deep, resolute breath, she rose and walked briskly onto the bridge into a flurry of excited activity.
“Are you ready, Mr. Kim?” she asked.
“Yes, captain,” he replied enthusiastically. “The deflector dish is ready.”
“Then it’s your show, Harry,” she said and he nodded with a wide smile.
Taking a deep breath, he called out to Annika in astrometrics. “Are astrometric sensors ready to receive data?”
“Affirmative,” came the curt reply over the comm.
“Transphasic targeting scanners are configured,” Tuvok said, anticipating him.
Lifting his gaze from the operations console, Harry turned to the science station. “Ensign Wildman, bring the deflector array up to one-quarter power,” he ordered. “Let’s start with a quick scan of Qo’NoS.”
The expected acknowledgement didn’t come and Kathryn thought that she’d missed it somehow-zoned out for a moment; Wildman was one of her most dedicated officers. She looked at Kim, who was staring at the blonde woman in confusion.
“Sam, please bring the deflector array up to one-quarter power,” Harry repeated.
Again, Wildman made no acknowledgement of his order or that she’d even heard it. Kathryn hurried to the science station in concern.
“Samantha?” she said gently. The younger woman’s face was deathly pale and she stared fixedly at her trembling hands; Kathryn made her decision quickly. “Commander Chakotay, you have the bridge. Supervise the experiment,” she ordered and then returned her attention to the young woman.
Wordlessly, she put her arms around Wildman’s shoulder and helped her to rise. Steering her away from the science station, she led her to the turbolift.
Kathryn met Chakotay’s eyes as she ushered Wildman into the lift; there was something uncomfortably akin to satisfaction in them. Had she, as he’d practically accused, given the crew too much false hope? As the lift door closed, she gave their destination, waiting in silence as it descended. Gently she steered the younger woman through the corridors to her quarters.
The lights came on as they entered Wildman’s quarters and Kathryn led her over to the couch. Though the room was relatively tidy, you could tell that a child lived there. A well-worn Flotter doll was nestled in the crook of the couch’s arm, while a number of brightly coloured game-PADDS were scattered on the coffee table’s surface.
As Samantha sat down, Kathryn studied her pale, miserable face. “Can you tell me what’s wrong, Ensign Wildman?”
She could see the younger woman struggling with her emotions as she answered, “I’m all right, captain-”
“Samantha, when one of my best officers must be told twice to perform a task and doesn’t do it, she is not all right.”
The first tear fell and Wildman swiftly wiped it away. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I … I thought I could handle this-”
Kathryn squeezed her shoulder gently and rose. “Tea first, Samantha, then we’ll talk.”
Wildman nodded, looking bleakly at the streaking warpstars.
Kathryn busied herself at the replicator. If she’d had time, she would have spoken with Paris and Torres, or Crewman Boylan and Crewman White who had adopted the Borg infant, Eva, two years ago. As the parents of the only children on board, they’d all become a lot closer over the last few months-in fact, Voyager would soon experience a baby boom as there were eight babies due within the next year so far, with three of them due within the next two months.
Wildman didn’t seem to register her presence as Kathryn sat down and poured the tea. She encouraged Wildman to drink, and thought of how different she was in many ways from the fresh-faced young woman who’d first stepped into her ready-room nearly seven years ago-and how similar. She’d been upset then as well, frightened and overwhelmed, but resolute as she informed her captain that she would be keeping the baby, her last link to her husband who had been left behind on the other side of the galaxy.
“Would you like to talk about it now?” Kathryn asked gently.
Wildman nodded and took a deep breath. “My wedding anniversary is in a couple of days,” she croaked. “But … but in the last data stream before the Admiral came, Greskrendtregk sent me divorce papers.”
Kathryn gaped at her in shock-she’d been expecting stress … depression because they didn’t get home … anything but this.
Tears streamed down the younger woman’s face. “I was so angry, I signed and returned them in the outgoing stream the next day,” she sobbed. “It only takes two months to obtain a divorce ruling if both parties are not contesting it-it may have already happened and I will never know!”
“I’m so sorry, Samantha,” Kathryn whispered still in shock as she gathered the weeping woman into her arms and held her gently.
Kathryn fought to assimilate the information. Samantha’s husband waiting for her had helped in the balance of Kathryn’s guilt for Naomi having to grow up on Voyager. It was never something she’d consciously considered, but somehow it helped her to know that he was waiting for them.
Samantha stopped crying and pushed out of her arms. Drying her eyes with a proffered tissue, the young woman continued, much to Kathryn’s dread.
“He’s been acting strange ever since we’d established regular contact with the alpha quadrant-didn’t show up for one of our face to face conversations. Everyone had been so great about letting us have a turn almost every transmission. I felt guilty because everyone else had to wait their turn and he wasted precious time he could have had with Naomi!”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” Kathryn assured her. “The crew was happy to do it-everyone knew it was important for Naomi.”
“I know,” she whispered. “And it made me feel even worse. Our situation was already so precarious, yet he wouldn’t talk to me, and the last time we saw him, he barely even spoke to Naomi. She spent days writing a poem for him … getting it right … memorizing it, and he didn’t even listen when she recited it to him. He told her … he told her it was nice, but that she should have recorded it and sent it in a burst to him!” Samantha broke off and pulled long, shuddering breaths in an effort to regain control. “It was as if we were inconveniencing him,” she cried. “I was so hurt and confused … I sent a letter telling him that he was being unfair to Naomi-that she needed to know she was important to him and that he loved her no matter how far away we were … that I needed to know that he loved us.”
She took another deep breath and plunged ahead. “I demanded an explanation.” She gave a soft, bitter laugh. “I wasn’t expecting the one I got. He no longer wanted to be my husband or father to our child and I was completely oblivious. My mother had tried to tell me that I should set him free to build another life, but I cut her off-told her that I didn’t want to talk to her if she was going to try and bust up my marriage. It was hard enough trying to survive out there in the delta quadrant-I couldn’t give up the hope. But all the signs were there and Stupid Sam hadn’t a clue.”
“Samantha, you’re not stupid,” Kathryn said firmly as her mind raced. Had she-as Chakotay had practically accused-given the crew too much false hope? “No one ever expects these things, believe me.”
“Petra Necheyev-his family will no doubt be pleased,” she said with a harsh, bitter laugh. “At least if he’s going to continue his predilection for human females, this time he traded up-niece of an admiral, daughter of a Federation Ambassador.” She laughed again; it had a high, hysterical quality. “Apparently, he was planning to marry her when …voila! … we upset the apple-cart with our message via the Hirogen network. I couldn’t even feel angry,” she whispered. “I just felt numb. I authorized the papers and put them in the outgoing queue.”
The small gold band appeared in her palm as if by magic; Kathryn realised that the young woman hadn’t been wearing it-probably not since the day she received the papers. She looked from the ring to Samantha’s bleak face, feeling too impotent to say anything.
“There was nothing left to do but get up each morning and go to work.” She gave another hoarse laugh. “Now I wonder how my counterpart who made it back to the alpha quadrant-if she made it back-is dealing with it. Isn’t that a howl? I spend my nights obsessing about whether another version of me managed reconcile with him, or had to tell Naomi what a bastard her father is.”
Her lips compressed in a thin line as she placed her cup on the low coffee table. “I’m sorry, captain, for what happened on the bridge today. It won’t happen again--I should be getting back to work.”
“Samantha, the work’s not the important thing right now, you need some time,” Kathryn began.
“Time for what!” she shouted angrily. “He’s been sleeping with her since we were declared lost. They have a three-year-old son … one worthy of the name Greskrendtregk! Now she’s pregnant again and he can’t put his life on hold indefinitely. He didn’t even want us to contact him if we get back,” she whispered.
Kathryn smoothed a lock of damp blonde hair from Samantha’s face and held her while she cried herself out.
“I’m so sorry, Samantha,” Kathryn apologized in a low voice, unable to rid herself of the painful knot in her throat.
“Oh captain,” she said with a sad smile. “This wasn’t your fault-none of this was your fault. This whole situation is beyond anyone’s control; I know that. I don’t even blame him. I suppose I’ve known that there was someone else for a long time now. You know, the horrible feeling when you wake up in the small hours of the morning-in the middle of an overwhelming panic attack-because of some knowledge you’ve buried so deep that you can’t acknowledge it? Because if you acknowledge what you know, your world will cease to exist.”
Kathryn nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes before she took Wildman’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Get some rest. I know that Tom and B’Elanna-all your friends-will be anxious to talk to you … for you to talk to them. I would suggest that you do. Don’t feel pressured into giving the details if you don’t want to, but don’t shut them out; you need your friends right now. They’ll always be there for you and when you feel you need some privacy, I don’t think they’ll mind too terribly if you give them the boot. Take a couple of days and just be with Naomi-I’ll settle it with Commander Chakotay.”
Samantha leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes. “Thank you, captain.”
“Kathryn.” Samantha’s eyes flew open in shock. “Captain seems a bit formal right now.”
Samantha nodded. Then, as if struck by a sudden impulse, she hugged a startled Janeway. “Thank you, Kathryn, for everything,” she said.
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To Chapter 14