The Unison of Love, Faith, and Compassion
Next Monday I have to present to my capstone class two of my favorite quotes from literature. One I already have nailed to the floor already, a quote that I have on my facebook page from the novel Christy, which I read over the summer and loved. The second one however, I am having more trouble finding, since I love so MANY books. So I was just rambling through my bookshelf, and I pull out Jane Eyre to see if I can find something quotable. But of course, once I start doing that, I start reading some of my favorite parts of the book. When I read it again it was a sudden onslaught of feelings, emotions that suddenly made me feel better, alighted me with hope. You see, I think you can remember, Jane Eyre was the first book I read after Vaughn broke up with me. Jane Eyre is my heartbroken book- the book I turn to whenever I need help understanding the cruelty of the world, the pain that we inflict on one another, and the redemption that can come to those who have faith, even if they're near death, as Jane, the main character, almost does. I remembered why I love this book so much, its because its about the faith of the people in it, and how their sincerity brings them together forever and binds them in love. It's one of the most beautiful stories ever written, and it makes me want to cry because its so beautiful and eloquent. And the fact that Jane addresses the "reader", being you, makes you evermore a part of the story too, and you are just drawn into the characters, into their human needs and longings, their sufferings, and you realize that you are not alone in this world when it comes to any kind of heartache.So I guess, even though it's sentimental, I have chosen a quote that Jane says at the end of the book describing her marriage to Mr.Edward Rochester(seriously, there could not be a sexier book character ANYWHERE. Lots of people say Mr.Darcy, but Mr.Rochester is so sentimental, so touching, so much warmer in his feelings to Jane that I feel he's more human, he's more real that Mr.Darcy). While this quote is about a marriage, its also about the joining of two souls, after much suffering, and God , it seems, has brought them together at last under extraordinary circumstances- and the way that Jane describes her marriage feels to me that she is describing what God maybe had in mind when He created humans for eachother, for marriage and all that. It's just....right and good and beautiful, and even though the characters aren't perfect, the love they have, the love that they share, seems to be from God, and of God, and that's why I find it so beautiful, and it gives me hope that maybe someday, hopefully, I will get that. Or a sliver of that. I want that for myself, but things that like don't happen without heartache, without suffering. While I know I must suffer through the hard times of life, that doesn't mean Jesus isn't there with me, in me, right there experiencing the same emotions I am. While I get angry and frustrated at life's situations, I know I'll push through it, but with God's help.
I keep on hearing this voice that isn't mine inside my head repeatedly, for the past few days, saying over and over and over again, especially when I pray or start to think about Paul..."Trust me, Trust me, Trust me". Over and over. The same thing. I constantly struggle with this because I have a hard time trusting people with my whole heart, and trusting someone who isn't "physically" present in a sense is very very hard for me. But then again, I think of the movie The Santa Clause, where Tim Allen is at the North Pole, this wonderland of magic, and he still doesn't believe its real. He says, "I see it, but I don't believe it,". The elf who's with him says, "That's not a surprise. Most grownups don't believe in this place. Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing. Kids don't have to see this place to know that it's here. They just...know,".
Childlike faith is the best. So even though most people our age don't believe in Santa Claus, I like to think him and Jesus are on the same lines- even though we can't see them, they're always there, always watching over us. Except I have no idea if Jesus likes cookies or not...but don't think of it as "blasphemous" that I just compared believing in Santa to believing in Jesus. Obviously it has huge differences, but think about it for a second. The faith is still there. It still requires going back to a time when we believed in dragons, in fairy tales, in things that really, we could see in our dreams and young imaginations and the sky was the limit. When we still believed in the North Pole and that reindeer could fly. What's the difference in believing in that when it comes to Angels flying, seraphim or cherubim bowing before a throne in Heaven, a golden city where the King of All sits on the throne in a place of peace and joy?
Me? I believe in Heaven. Always have. I believe in God and Jesus, and believe they are one in the same person. I also believe that whatever Heaven turns out to be like, I hope I get there, I hope I am good enough to be there. Kind of like getting on Santa's naughty or nice list, hahhaha....
Seriously, see where I am coming from? This post is so random. And Yes, I still believe in the spirit of Santa, or rather the spirit of Christmas, which is giving to others and loving people. But I suppose I like the idea of that all year round more, but Christmas is a good reminder of that. Which is probably why I like to listen to Christmas music in October- because I like to remind myself that there's good in the world to fight for, that love in all its forms is worth fighting for, and that I shouldn't give up on it, no matter how many times I get hurt. Jesus got hurt worse- He Died for it, because it was worth dying for.
Ok, I seriously want to watch Elf right now. I'm not even joking. "Buddy the elf what's your favorite color?" That movie is HYSTERICAL. You know, I caught my roommate Courtney last year watching my copy of Elf at the end of October...I just came walking in and was like "what?" and she had this big grin on her face and she was like "I couldn't help it, I needed something to cheer me up". I shrugged and said, "I listen to Christmas music two months early, so go ahead." I made some hot chocolate for us, we sat down, watched the movie, and laughed our butts off. Then I found out she didn't mind me playing my christmas music at all that early, and continually asked if I could turn it on in the morning when we would get ready for class....I kept thinking, I LOVE THIS, someone who accepts my weirdness!
I miss Courtney. I miss Lisa. I miss that closeness we shared for that short time period, the three of us. All of us miserable because Robbins SUCKS ASS, but at the same time bonded because we were all scared, uncertain, and in a way sad about our lives and then we found eachother a comfort in laughing together, and being absolutely rediculous. I was so lonely last year. The loneliest of the low, and I think that if I could get through that, through my friend dying, through my Aunt Doris dying, then I can get through anything. I can survive.
I miss singing in the church choir, or I mean, the worship team. I miss it. I miss singing Hosanna! at the top of my lungs. But that cannot be the only reason I miss church and want to go back to it. I have to have more reasons- because otherwise I will just end up in a rut like I did before and end up resenting the very idea of church. Yes, I miss elemets of it, but I need that LONGING, that WANT, back. I don't have that back yet, and I can't force myself to do it, to feel that yet. But it's there, the desire to be part of a community of believers, to be lifted up by that...so eventually I know, I will find it in my heart to go again. I don't want to be a hypocrite though. I want to be a good person. I feel that I am a good person, and I want to do what is right and good and just. We live in such a broken world, and I want to change it somehow. But first, I have to change myself, and that takes a lot of work and time and patience. So pray for me for patience and guidance, to use this last year of school as a year of discoveries and knowledge, of opening my heart to whatever lies in store, whether or not it's going to hurt. Things that are worth it are usually the things that hurt sometimes too. It's just so hard to admit to the hurt, but I have to. Even if I cry, even if I yell and scream, I'll get through it and God won't leave me in the lurch. My heart wants to open, and I'm allowing God to pry it open with a crowbar if He has to.
I've decided to decorate my house with fall/halloween decorations. YAY. Off I go...