(no subject)
Saturday, February 6th, 2010.
I woke up. Mom wasn't home. Dad wasn't home. Okay.
I got up, showered and then could NOT find my karaoke track for Mama Who Bore Me and my printer wasn't working -_-. But eventually, I finally got my headshot and resume and track all together. I left, picked up Casey, and went over to the Alliance. Auditions were fine; we both got call backs We got in the car and I got a call from my dad.
He was telling me that Granddad wasn't going to be moving in with us afterall and that they were moving him into Hope Hospice. He didn't really wake up that morning. I calmed down after a while and drove home and tried to take a nap. I woke up and then had to go to work. Casey, Gaby and Dino came to see me at work and I got another phone call from my dad telling me that I should go to the hospital and see Granddad.
I got over there and it was like Pawpaw all over again. But worse somehow. See, my Pawpaw loved us. All of us. But he was never one to go to my shows, he was always late, he just hated being around a lot of people. But its different with my Grandad. If you've been reading my livejournal for a long time you'd know that he had just recently came back into my life last year because of the death of my step-grandma. He's been to everything he could possibly get to. Concerts and family gatherings. He's an amazing guy. He's helped us out so much with everything and he's been so strong through all the chemo.
Anyways.. after work, I headed over to Hospice. My mom met me outside and she told me what happened. He barely slept all night and was having hallucinatons again. He thought my dad was on the ceiling and all this crazy stuff. He kind of passed out around 11:40 but was like, waking up randomly and gasping for air and falling back asleep. He started falling off the couch and my mom couldn't wake him up. She had to call an ambulance and the fire department to get him up so he wouldn't fall. This was at four in the morning. Around 7:30, she called Hospice and had him transported over there. She told me that he wouldn't respond to her, but to everyone else, because he was mad that she took him there. She was really torn by that.
We went inside after I tried to calm her down but the moment I saw him I could not stop crying. He looked horrible. I went over and grabbed his hand and just sat with him for a while. He knew I was there even if he wasn't really concious. His lady-friend Jane was trying to say goodbye to him and he was fighting with her saying that she wasn't listening and he just kept asking me the word, and to tell her the word, over and over again. He even had me lean down to listen to him and didn't say anything, and then begged me to say 'the word'. I answered with, "Granddad, we all love you very much." and he answered the best he could, "I love you all." repeatedly. I could feel the tears dropping to my hand in his and he squeezed as much as he could. That was really the most I got to say goodbye.
After I left the hospital, I headed over to Justines for team bonding. I'm really not going to go into it, but it was incredibly frustrating but fun too.
Sunday, February 7th, 2010.
I woke up this morning, headed home to change, and then back to Hospice to meet my Mom and my uncle had my sister flown in from Tallahassee.
I got there around 11:20, walked inside and there were my uncles standing there. I was confused but my uncle came and hugged me and whispered to me, "He's gone sweetie."
Mom didn't know until she got there shortly after. He went and sat with Granddad for a little and said goodbye.
I think that in the same way that Pawpaw left, I had felt like I already said goodbye to him. My uncles said that this morning they were chatting with him about going to the gun range and my uncle felt the last squeeze of his hand and then silently and peacefully, he passed. The cancer never hurt him, it was always just his breathing. And now he's out of any pain and to a better place. I know he loved us all very much and I'm so happy I got to really know my grandpa over the past year and a half. Even though he's barely been there my whole life, the past year and a half made it all up. I know now that where he is, he's joking around with my Pawpaw maybe. Maybe Mimi is chatting with him too. Who knows.
I've lost two grandfathers in the past month. I have one grandpa and one grandma now and you know? Everyone has to leave sometime. Everyone has a place to go after they're done here. I know that whenever I perform or sing that I have an audience in the sky for me.
Today, I got another audience member. And I think he's always going to be cheering for me.