Would that be good enough..?
Lately, I've had weird mood changes. I'd like to call them mood "swings" but they don't feel very swingy. I've been feeling just soooo frustrated with things. And angry and anxious. And there isn't one particular event that is causing these emotions, I'm sure its just chemistry of the human body. But yeah, its been a little disrupting in my life. I've been more on the quiet side, it goes through phases because I am by nature a pretty quiet person, but lately more so than ever. I've no desire to talk to people, I just want to be alone with my thoughts. But at the same time, this quietness plauges me because I also want to be heard. It's annoying.
With school, I'm finally trying to figure out what I want my 'major' to be. I've changed my mind so many times in terms of what I want to study. And the two subjects I'm really interested in, History and International Relations, seem to be a joke to everyone I tell it to. My family is like " errr what r u gona do wit dat"... and my friends just kinda look at me funny. My boyfriend thinks the history thing is kinda silly, and the international relations part he sorta probably sees as me trying to do something that he does, but not quite doing it right. He has his BA in international relations, and probably thinks I'm just following his path, but really I've been interested in the subject since before I met him.
Anyway, I'm just annoyed with things... and I guess I havn't been feeling that much support. I really feel like everyone I know thinks I'm a joke... noone takes me seriously. My mom has to send me her tax forms so I can fill out my next year's FAFSA and when she texted me to tell me that she sent it, she said " Sorry it won't be much help." meaning that I won't get that much money in financial aid this year because she and my stepdad made hella money. This matters because since I am still under 25 I'm considered a 'dependent' even though my family doesn't support me at all financially (or whatsoever) and my financial aid award is depending on how much they make. SUCKY.
I can't say that I'm unhappy.... I enjoy my life for the most part, I love going to college and taking all these interesting classes... working all the time and paying my own way through college is rewarding, I'll admit that. Its just that my mind wonders and I often get caught up on trivial things.
Example: Life and Death. I get so tripped up on this. Death is a part of life. But I can't help but be totally freaked out by death. I fear dying and I also fear dying without having done anything significant. Here I am worried about getting through college and trying to improve my physical appearance by saving money to buy new clothes and makeup and maybe one day a car... When there are people all around the world who were dealt this life that they cannot do anything about. People are born into poverty and war torn countries and thats the one life that they get.
I guess I'm just saying that I do feel lucky in the life that I have, but I also can't help feeling upset about different situations that I'm in these days.. and feeling like I have so much less than others. I'm just confused.
Okay I'm done. Did I mention that I've had a few glasses of wine? That'll make me write.. and think I'm writing something really profound and then I'll go back and read it and be like WTF?? HAHA.
Okay, now I'm really done. Goodnight : )
With school, I'm finally trying to figure out what I want my 'major' to be. I've changed my mind so many times in terms of what I want to study. And the two subjects I'm really interested in, History and International Relations, seem to be a joke to everyone I tell it to. My family is like " errr what r u gona do wit dat"... and my friends just kinda look at me funny. My boyfriend thinks the history thing is kinda silly, and the international relations part he sorta probably sees as me trying to do something that he does, but not quite doing it right. He has his BA in international relations, and probably thinks I'm just following his path, but really I've been interested in the subject since before I met him.
Anyway, I'm just annoyed with things... and I guess I havn't been feeling that much support. I really feel like everyone I know thinks I'm a joke... noone takes me seriously. My mom has to send me her tax forms so I can fill out my next year's FAFSA and when she texted me to tell me that she sent it, she said " Sorry it won't be much help." meaning that I won't get that much money in financial aid this year because she and my stepdad made hella money. This matters because since I am still under 25 I'm considered a 'dependent' even though my family doesn't support me at all financially (or whatsoever) and my financial aid award is depending on how much they make. SUCKY.
I can't say that I'm unhappy.... I enjoy my life for the most part, I love going to college and taking all these interesting classes... working all the time and paying my own way through college is rewarding, I'll admit that. Its just that my mind wonders and I often get caught up on trivial things.
Example: Life and Death. I get so tripped up on this. Death is a part of life. But I can't help but be totally freaked out by death. I fear dying and I also fear dying without having done anything significant. Here I am worried about getting through college and trying to improve my physical appearance by saving money to buy new clothes and makeup and maybe one day a car... When there are people all around the world who were dealt this life that they cannot do anything about. People are born into poverty and war torn countries and thats the one life that they get.
I guess I'm just saying that I do feel lucky in the life that I have, but I also can't help feeling upset about different situations that I'm in these days.. and feeling like I have so much less than others. I'm just confused.
Okay I'm done. Did I mention that I've had a few glasses of wine? That'll make me write.. and think I'm writing something really profound and then I'll go back and read it and be like WTF?? HAHA.
Okay, now I'm really done. Goodnight : )