(no subject)
So I went to the cinema with Alex (that is the mysterious A from my recent entry about... you know).
Aaaand I don't think it's going to work. I agreed to see him again and he said he'd text, but if that happens I'll be very surprised. Two reasons really.
On the basic level I don't think we're really all that suited. That's not to say that he isn't a thoroughly decent and pleasant guy, which he is - I can see why Bethan is friends with him. But, niceness will only get a person so far. We really lacked that special something. You know the thing that makes people go to the cinema just to kiss and feel each other up, much to the irritation of people who want to watch the film. He didn't even try to hold my hand. And I wasn't upset by that. I should have known that my general lack of OMG-ness was a genuine lack and not me trying to supress it so as to not get my feeling hurt. In those cases I still feel the OMG I just don't voice it and I try to pretend it's something else.
And also I didn't come across very well. Or rather I came across so well that he was introduced to the real me, how I am around my friends, or as I like to call it 'the monster' rather than just seeing 'the doll' which is the cleverly edited and cleaned-up version of me that dates and authority figures see. And 300 came up, which always makes me rant. So there's a good chance I scared him. But I can't say I really care too much - if a man can't deal with the monster from the start then how will he be able to cope when the mask slips and he realises that I'm a real person who's more monster than doll? Fuck it, I'm tired of pretending and censoring myself to seem more acceptable - I'm not *that* desperate to have a boyfriend.
Actually, there is another thing as well. He seems rather a little to concerned with 'manliness'. As in he had to be persuaded to use my brolly because umbrella's aren't 'manly', apparently. He doesn't own many jumpers and has only one coat, despite living in Wales, presumably because sensible overcoats and knitwear is for girls and the French, or something. And he'd quite like to do some outdoorsy physically demanding job because... yes, manly.
I'm surely not the only person to find this off-putting? I find it bizarre that there are people out there (and there seem to be plenty too) who are so strongly caught up in their gender. Yes, of course your gender is going to be a part of who you are, it will affect a lot of the ways you're taught, how you interact with the world and certain tastes and values will be encouraged in you. But does that mean it should be so restrictive? I really prefer people who are, well, people first and then man/woman/girl/boy second. As in you have your central personality and tastes, desires, horrors and then these are ever so slightly decorated and supplemented with little gendery bits. To use a food analogy: you as a person are a big old plate of bolognese and your gender is the light dusting of parmesan cheese on top. To look in your mirror, see a man or a woman and then build a personality, activities and tastes around that gender identity seems pretty odd to me. And like a recipe for unhappiness. I cannot remember who did the study but I distinctly remember reading of some research into gender identity that found that the happiest individual is the androgynous individual - basically the person who effectively combines both stereotypically 'masculine' and stereotypically 'feminine' traits. Probably because a) there's less pressure b) you have a richer worldview and c) gender norms shift all the time and it's a lot of hard work keeping up if you're desperately exclusively masculine/feminine.
Ok. Rant over.
In other news: I now have a webcam! Hurrah! I'm only, oh, 10 years behind the rest of the world.
Aaaand I don't think it's going to work. I agreed to see him again and he said he'd text, but if that happens I'll be very surprised. Two reasons really.
On the basic level I don't think we're really all that suited. That's not to say that he isn't a thoroughly decent and pleasant guy, which he is - I can see why Bethan is friends with him. But, niceness will only get a person so far. We really lacked that special something. You know the thing that makes people go to the cinema just to kiss and feel each other up, much to the irritation of people who want to watch the film. He didn't even try to hold my hand. And I wasn't upset by that. I should have known that my general lack of OMG-ness was a genuine lack and not me trying to supress it so as to not get my feeling hurt. In those cases I still feel the OMG I just don't voice it and I try to pretend it's something else.
And also I didn't come across very well. Or rather I came across so well that he was introduced to the real me, how I am around my friends, or as I like to call it 'the monster' rather than just seeing 'the doll' which is the cleverly edited and cleaned-up version of me that dates and authority figures see. And 300 came up, which always makes me rant. So there's a good chance I scared him. But I can't say I really care too much - if a man can't deal with the monster from the start then how will he be able to cope when the mask slips and he realises that I'm a real person who's more monster than doll? Fuck it, I'm tired of pretending and censoring myself to seem more acceptable - I'm not *that* desperate to have a boyfriend.
Actually, there is another thing as well. He seems rather a little to concerned with 'manliness'. As in he had to be persuaded to use my brolly because umbrella's aren't 'manly', apparently. He doesn't own many jumpers and has only one coat, despite living in Wales, presumably because sensible overcoats and knitwear is for girls and the French, or something. And he'd quite like to do some outdoorsy physically demanding job because... yes, manly.
I'm surely not the only person to find this off-putting? I find it bizarre that there are people out there (and there seem to be plenty too) who are so strongly caught up in their gender. Yes, of course your gender is going to be a part of who you are, it will affect a lot of the ways you're taught, how you interact with the world and certain tastes and values will be encouraged in you. But does that mean it should be so restrictive? I really prefer people who are, well, people first and then man/woman/girl/boy second. As in you have your central personality and tastes, desires, horrors and then these are ever so slightly decorated and supplemented with little gendery bits. To use a food analogy: you as a person are a big old plate of bolognese and your gender is the light dusting of parmesan cheese on top. To look in your mirror, see a man or a woman and then build a personality, activities and tastes around that gender identity seems pretty odd to me. And like a recipe for unhappiness. I cannot remember who did the study but I distinctly remember reading of some research into gender identity that found that the happiest individual is the androgynous individual - basically the person who effectively combines both stereotypically 'masculine' and stereotypically 'feminine' traits. Probably because a) there's less pressure b) you have a richer worldview and c) gender norms shift all the time and it's a lot of hard work keeping up if you're desperately exclusively masculine/feminine.
Ok. Rant over.
In other news: I now have a webcam! Hurrah! I'm only, oh, 10 years behind the rest of the world.