Contemplations
So as of recently, I've been thinking a lot about my life. Mostly my future, and the twisted frustration it has become. I know of two things for sure:
One, I will finish my degree.
Two, I want to spend the rest of my life with Brian Rhoades.
I wish life would just fit together. Like one beautiful puzzle. But that's what I've been contemplating as of recently. As of Spring 2008, I was pretty sure how exactly I wanted my life to go. I set up goals and dreamed dreams. In the matter of almost 2 years, all of those thoughts now have to be rethought. Mostly, because when I thought of them the first time around, I was completely alone. Trying to find happiness as a single person. I'm not single anymore. Nor do I want to be. I'm so completely in love Brian. He's everything I've ever wanted in all the right ways. More important, he loves me the way every woman should be loved. And its such a wonderful feeling be this in love and knowing the person you love loves you the exact same way. More so, I feel like I have so much more strength. And my life can completely fail and I'll still be blissfully happy because I love and am loved in return.
You all know me. I am a woman of ambition. I always have been. I dream big and work hard. So where does this new tangent of life lead?
That's what I've been contemplating so much. I never expected to miss Fort Wayne this much. I had prided myself in the thought that I was free spirit. That even though company was nice, I could travel so easily. I thought the opportunity to leave Fort Wayne would be the most wonderful thing in the world. But then being gone lately. I've realized some things:
One, First and foremost I love and miss my Brian so much that at times it brings me to tears.
Two, I miss all my friends and family more than I thought I could. I truly do love you all so much.
Three, I miss my kitties.
So where does this leave the girl who thought all she wanted out of life was to travel and leave everyone behind? Where does this leave the girl who thought want she wanted was to move as far away from the Fort Wayne area as possible? All my goals, dreams hinged on the strong belief that my future was no where near Fort Wayne. Brian, I could just take with me if I needed to, kitties too. But I can't take my friends and family. And it would be quite a big burden to the man I love to demand that he leave his family too. Now of course I know all parties involved would be happy with whatever I chose. But the question is:
What does Jessy want?
I know I want my education, and I know I want a life of love with my Brian.
But do I really want to leave? What are my career options? I can still travel. Just in vacations and maybe even conferences. :) I've been thinking about everything I could possibly do in my life. *sigh*
At this point in my life I know that I can have whatever I want. Whatever life I want. I almost feel overwhelmed with choices. Its like everyone knows I have this potential too. Sometimes I feel like people try to live vicariously through me. I already know that one particular choice I've made in the last few weeks may make some people I respect and admire very dearly angry with me. I don't handle people being mad or even worse, disappointed in me very well.
What do I do and what do I want? I have all these different scenarios of what my life could be. And I'm happy with all of them. Some are quite humble lives, others are bit more ambitious. But I'm happy with every single one of them.
So confused and indecisive I am. What a difference a month can make......
One, I will finish my degree.
Two, I want to spend the rest of my life with Brian Rhoades.
I wish life would just fit together. Like one beautiful puzzle. But that's what I've been contemplating as of recently. As of Spring 2008, I was pretty sure how exactly I wanted my life to go. I set up goals and dreamed dreams. In the matter of almost 2 years, all of those thoughts now have to be rethought. Mostly, because when I thought of them the first time around, I was completely alone. Trying to find happiness as a single person. I'm not single anymore. Nor do I want to be. I'm so completely in love Brian. He's everything I've ever wanted in all the right ways. More important, he loves me the way every woman should be loved. And its such a wonderful feeling be this in love and knowing the person you love loves you the exact same way. More so, I feel like I have so much more strength. And my life can completely fail and I'll still be blissfully happy because I love and am loved in return.
You all know me. I am a woman of ambition. I always have been. I dream big and work hard. So where does this new tangent of life lead?
That's what I've been contemplating so much. I never expected to miss Fort Wayne this much. I had prided myself in the thought that I was free spirit. That even though company was nice, I could travel so easily. I thought the opportunity to leave Fort Wayne would be the most wonderful thing in the world. But then being gone lately. I've realized some things:
One, First and foremost I love and miss my Brian so much that at times it brings me to tears.
Two, I miss all my friends and family more than I thought I could. I truly do love you all so much.
Three, I miss my kitties.
So where does this leave the girl who thought all she wanted out of life was to travel and leave everyone behind? Where does this leave the girl who thought want she wanted was to move as far away from the Fort Wayne area as possible? All my goals, dreams hinged on the strong belief that my future was no where near Fort Wayne. Brian, I could just take with me if I needed to, kitties too. But I can't take my friends and family. And it would be quite a big burden to the man I love to demand that he leave his family too. Now of course I know all parties involved would be happy with whatever I chose. But the question is:
What does Jessy want?
I know I want my education, and I know I want a life of love with my Brian.
But do I really want to leave? What are my career options? I can still travel. Just in vacations and maybe even conferences. :) I've been thinking about everything I could possibly do in my life. *sigh*
At this point in my life I know that I can have whatever I want. Whatever life I want. I almost feel overwhelmed with choices. Its like everyone knows I have this potential too. Sometimes I feel like people try to live vicariously through me. I already know that one particular choice I've made in the last few weeks may make some people I respect and admire very dearly angry with me. I don't handle people being mad or even worse, disappointed in me very well.
What do I do and what do I want? I have all these different scenarios of what my life could be. And I'm happy with all of them. Some are quite humble lives, others are bit more ambitious. But I'm happy with every single one of them.
So confused and indecisive I am. What a difference a month can make......