Time Left (#90 Countdown)

[ladygray99]

Title: Time Left
Author: ladygray99
Prompt: #90 Countdown
Word count: 100
Pairing: Charlie/Ian, David
Rating: PG13
Warning: none
Summary: One second left.
Notes: Written for numb3rs100, part of A Silk Pillow ‘verse. Honestly I'm not happy with this but it's the best out of a whole lot of garbage. If I can ever get the words flowing better I will rewrite it.
Beta: riverotter1951

Comments

[quasardrake]

Oh, I see. I kind of interpreted it as the meaning used when one says "a whale is breaching"; meaning that it is breaking the surface of the water and displaying itself before crashing under again. Cats will sometimes 'breach' - if you hold your hand above their heads they will rise up on just their hind legs and butt your hand with the tops of their head and shoulders before dropping back to their normal four legged stance. (I dunno - I and my household might be the only ones who call that breaching - from what whales do)

Anyhow, aside from some possible confusion over what you meant by that term where you used it ( I think I got it more or less right - he mentally 'breached' - came up from the place of concentrated focus he should stay in for an op like this) I liked this drabble. It conveyed the mental distraction and loss of focus rather well.

I don't think it needs to be re-written - maybe just one or two sentences to clarify what's happening when he "breaches" - I got it but I do know a lot of people who probably wouldn't have....Maybe you need to find a different word to describe what happens other than "breached" - maybe you should just SAY he lost focus or something.

Anyhow, I actually did like it. It has a rather surreal quality. Like I said, as it turned out, I DID have the correct idea about what was happening and I don't think you should be as down on this one as you seem to be.

I've read lots worse(not from you; I wouldn't describe anything of yours that I've read as 'bad'!). LOTS. I liked the somewhat wandering, surreal quality and I thought it conveyed his state of mind well. So if you just must re-write, try to keep hold of that quality - it worked well here.

[ladygray99]

Well, thank you. Out of 215 this is the one that went through a billion rewrites and I'm still not happy with but I'm glad someone got it.