Why do I keep going back to the hurt???
He makes me so happy. He really does. In the past couple months he's put up with a lot of my bullshit, and i keep thinking that at some point he's gonna wanna give up and walk away from me. I wouldn't blame him for doing it or get mad.
He's the first person (outside of my family and friends) who ever told me they loved me. He holds me when I'm hurting, he kisses my forehead when i'm sleeping (at least he thinks i'm sleeping :-D ), he wipes away tears and bugs me to tell him what's wrong and what's making me cry. he really REALLY loves me, and with all my heart I really love him too. I'd rather lay on the couch, resting my head on his chest than do anything else. I'm happy and I'm so scared to lose it all.
As happpy as I am and as much as i love him, i can't resist or stop myself from returning to the past. I find myself running over the numbers of that phone number, looking at past pictures, or remembering the good and especially the bad times. I don't know why I can't just drop the past and leave the ashes burning. The hurts still pops up sometimes. I read past journal writings, and the hate bubbles inside of me. The pain is festering in my soul, slowly being removed by love and truth. Yet, it still remains, and it bugs me every so often.
I don't want closure, because i got that already. I asked my questions, i got my answers, and I burned them (literally). I don't want to meet again, because that happened once and all i felt was hate. I call when i'm drunk, but never does any good because all i do is make myself look like a fool and i don't remember what i say the next morning. I don't know what i want from him. I think i just need him to go away (from my mind). I find myself thinking about starting a friendship, but then I think about it and realize i don't need that kind of friendship.
I love Anthony so much. He makes this hurt go away. He's one of my best friends, and he makes me laugh. Like i said, slowly the hate and rage that i am holding inside is deteriorating. It's with his truth, his heart, and his care that this cold heart lightens. I think I'll be okay, but some hurt will remain. Yet, it will be devoured and encompassed by something greater. His love.
Good night snuggles..... good night everyone.
He's the first person (outside of my family and friends) who ever told me they loved me. He holds me when I'm hurting, he kisses my forehead when i'm sleeping (at least he thinks i'm sleeping :-D ), he wipes away tears and bugs me to tell him what's wrong and what's making me cry. he really REALLY loves me, and with all my heart I really love him too. I'd rather lay on the couch, resting my head on his chest than do anything else. I'm happy and I'm so scared to lose it all.
As happpy as I am and as much as i love him, i can't resist or stop myself from returning to the past. I find myself running over the numbers of that phone number, looking at past pictures, or remembering the good and especially the bad times. I don't know why I can't just drop the past and leave the ashes burning. The hurts still pops up sometimes. I read past journal writings, and the hate bubbles inside of me. The pain is festering in my soul, slowly being removed by love and truth. Yet, it still remains, and it bugs me every so often.
I don't want closure, because i got that already. I asked my questions, i got my answers, and I burned them (literally). I don't want to meet again, because that happened once and all i felt was hate. I call when i'm drunk, but never does any good because all i do is make myself look like a fool and i don't remember what i say the next morning. I don't know what i want from him. I think i just need him to go away (from my mind). I find myself thinking about starting a friendship, but then I think about it and realize i don't need that kind of friendship.
I love Anthony so much. He makes this hurt go away. He's one of my best friends, and he makes me laugh. Like i said, slowly the hate and rage that i am holding inside is deteriorating. It's with his truth, his heart, and his care that this cold heart lightens. I think I'll be okay, but some hurt will remain. Yet, it will be devoured and encompassed by something greater. His love.
Good night snuggles..... good night everyone.