Anxiety....
Anxiety... that's been the word of the year for me it seems. I've been so filled with anxiety lately. Mostly over health stuff. Call me a hypocondriac. But these days it just seems like I can find some mega, super serious, life threatening illness as an explaination for just about everything going on with me or my kids. I don't ever remember being this anxious before. Alanah was born and this were great for about year. Then we decided to try for another baby. It was around six months into trying with no success that I started to get unexplained pain in my lower right abdomen. Went to two gynacologists and my GP but was told there was nothing wrong despite the fact that I kept experiencing pain. I was convinced I had something wrong with me like ovarian cancer or something. On top of that, I wasn't pregnant yet. So, you can imagine I had all that going on and it wasn't making for a mentally calm me. That's when I decided to see Chris, my acupuncturist. After seeing him for a while and making some changes to my diet and routine, I was pregnant and my pain had gone away. Things seemed ok for a while after that and then Arianna was born. I started having constant headaches and arm pain that I went to my GP about. One of my friends fathers was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor a couple of years before that and I know that constant headaches are always a worrisome thing. The doc diagnosed me with migraines after the special meds he gave me seemed to do the job in helping the pain go away. Right as I was getting help with meds for the migraines, I got pregnant with Anthony. So I wasn't allowed to be on any meds. Luckily, the headaches stopped once I got a few weeks into my pregnancy. Now I have Anthony and although I've been lucky that for the most part he's been healthy, I still worry over all the little things with myself and with him and the girls. I think I can actually pin point what triggered the anxiety to begin with too. There was the story of a local baby girl here, Layla Grace, that had fought a battle with neuroblastoma and lost. Then soon after that an extended family member's son, Vincent, was diagnosed with rabdomyosarcoma. He was five. He had been complaining of knee pain for a while and his parents thought maybe he was just having some off and on growing pains. After the complaints continued for some time, they finally took him to the doc who sent him for scans. That's when they found out it was cancer. He passed away less than a year after his was diagnosed.
After he passed away, every little complaint that Alanah made had me terrified that something was terribley wrong. Every little ache or pain had me thinking that she had cancer. For months she had been complaining of leg, knee and ankle pain. It was to the point where several times a night she would wake up in tears with the pain. That made me even more anxious over everything. I feel like a horrible mother for saying this but, even with all that I never took her to the doctor because I had this paralizing fear of it being something life threatening. All her regular doctor's visits always came up fine. Finally, about a month ago, we realized that she was flat footed and decided to try buying her expensive special shoes for her feet. Luckily, that seems to have fixed things for the most part, because she has not been waking up in the middle of the night or complaining of pain in her legs except for maybe once or twice when she didn't wear the shoes like she should have been. Still, I feel the anxieties so strong. She complains of stomach pain frequently enough that I worry sometimes (although, my side of the family, including me, has a history of IBS and other intestinal problems so that shouldn't be a surprise). She has regular bowel movements so I doubt that's a problem. Tonight she complained of back pain around her spine and asked me to rub her back when she went to bed. She is pretty small for her age. She's very skinny, and not as tall as most five almost six year olds. She weighs about the same as her younger sister even than she is three years older. She is a bit of a picky eater sometimes but she does eat all the time. She is constantly snacking throughout the day, so I know her weight problems aren't due to lack of eating (especially since her younger sister and brother have the same diet and are both at a very normal, healthy, average weight and height). Her doctor says she is small for her age but otherwise appears to be healthy. As I child and even into adulthood, I was always very skinny for my age. I also have joint problems and have scoliosis. All these things just make me even more aware of the things she can and probably will face because of her being so small and underweight.
I worry for all three of my children when they get sick. Every time they get sick with throwing up or bad coughs I am constantly on high alert unable to settle myself down. My brain races with worries and thoughts of the worse case scenarios. Although I worry about all my kids, for some reason, I can't seem to shake the extreme worry and anxiety I feel over Alanah. I think mostly because of the fact that she is the one that can be the most vocal and can actually express what she thinks and feels now, where the other two can't always say what they feel yet. It may be just a coincidence, but it seemed like after all the stuff happened with Layla and Vincent Alanah complained more about things. It's probably just that I was listening for things and she was finally at an age where she could express herself. But I still can't shake the anxiety. I don't sleep very well at night anymore and when I'm alone with everyone else asleep, the anxious thoughts just fill me up. I go into the kids rooms several times at night when I am up till 3am just to check on them. Since Alanah had been waking up quite frequently at night with pain until we got her the new shoes, every little moan and groan sends me walking in to check on them, even though it seems the leg problems have been resolved. I have baby monitors in both the girls' room and Anthony's room just because I'm always worried that if they do wake up in the middle of the night because something is wrong, I won't hear them when I am asleep.
I'm so tired of feeling this anxiety. I don't sleep well at night, so I can't function properly during the day. I try and cover up any anxieties I have from other people by trying to keep myself busy. If I just keep myself running errands all the time or just generally doing things out of the house, then maybe I can keep the anxieties from creeping to the surface. It's when it's quiet and I'm alone that things go bad. Even during the day, when I'm home with the kids and Alex is at work. Everything the kids say or do sends me worrying alone.
I wish I had the money to see Chris again for a course of acupuncture treatment. I am more a natural medicine kind of person when I can be and I do not want to be on any anxiety meds. Going to Chris would definitely help me, I'm sure. But right now, I just can't afford it. I know all the anxieties are just way out of bounds and over the top. But for some reason, I can't help it. It's as if there is a separate entity taking over my body all together when I get this way. I wish I could just make it all go away so I can just live...
After he passed away, every little complaint that Alanah made had me terrified that something was terribley wrong. Every little ache or pain had me thinking that she had cancer. For months she had been complaining of leg, knee and ankle pain. It was to the point where several times a night she would wake up in tears with the pain. That made me even more anxious over everything. I feel like a horrible mother for saying this but, even with all that I never took her to the doctor because I had this paralizing fear of it being something life threatening. All her regular doctor's visits always came up fine. Finally, about a month ago, we realized that she was flat footed and decided to try buying her expensive special shoes for her feet. Luckily, that seems to have fixed things for the most part, because she has not been waking up in the middle of the night or complaining of pain in her legs except for maybe once or twice when she didn't wear the shoes like she should have been. Still, I feel the anxieties so strong. She complains of stomach pain frequently enough that I worry sometimes (although, my side of the family, including me, has a history of IBS and other intestinal problems so that shouldn't be a surprise). She has regular bowel movements so I doubt that's a problem. Tonight she complained of back pain around her spine and asked me to rub her back when she went to bed. She is pretty small for her age. She's very skinny, and not as tall as most five almost six year olds. She weighs about the same as her younger sister even than she is three years older. She is a bit of a picky eater sometimes but she does eat all the time. She is constantly snacking throughout the day, so I know her weight problems aren't due to lack of eating (especially since her younger sister and brother have the same diet and are both at a very normal, healthy, average weight and height). Her doctor says she is small for her age but otherwise appears to be healthy. As I child and even into adulthood, I was always very skinny for my age. I also have joint problems and have scoliosis. All these things just make me even more aware of the things she can and probably will face because of her being so small and underweight.
I worry for all three of my children when they get sick. Every time they get sick with throwing up or bad coughs I am constantly on high alert unable to settle myself down. My brain races with worries and thoughts of the worse case scenarios. Although I worry about all my kids, for some reason, I can't seem to shake the extreme worry and anxiety I feel over Alanah. I think mostly because of the fact that she is the one that can be the most vocal and can actually express what she thinks and feels now, where the other two can't always say what they feel yet. It may be just a coincidence, but it seemed like after all the stuff happened with Layla and Vincent Alanah complained more about things. It's probably just that I was listening for things and she was finally at an age where she could express herself. But I still can't shake the anxiety. I don't sleep very well at night anymore and when I'm alone with everyone else asleep, the anxious thoughts just fill me up. I go into the kids rooms several times at night when I am up till 3am just to check on them. Since Alanah had been waking up quite frequently at night with pain until we got her the new shoes, every little moan and groan sends me walking in to check on them, even though it seems the leg problems have been resolved. I have baby monitors in both the girls' room and Anthony's room just because I'm always worried that if they do wake up in the middle of the night because something is wrong, I won't hear them when I am asleep.
I'm so tired of feeling this anxiety. I don't sleep well at night, so I can't function properly during the day. I try and cover up any anxieties I have from other people by trying to keep myself busy. If I just keep myself running errands all the time or just generally doing things out of the house, then maybe I can keep the anxieties from creeping to the surface. It's when it's quiet and I'm alone that things go bad. Even during the day, when I'm home with the kids and Alex is at work. Everything the kids say or do sends me worrying alone.
I wish I had the money to see Chris again for a course of acupuncture treatment. I am more a natural medicine kind of person when I can be and I do not want to be on any anxiety meds. Going to Chris would definitely help me, I'm sure. But right now, I just can't afford it. I know all the anxieties are just way out of bounds and over the top. But for some reason, I can't help it. It's as if there is a separate entity taking over my body all together when I get this way. I wish I could just make it all go away so I can just live...