(no subject)
It's just over two weeks before I have to go back to work. I'm not looking forward to going back. I can feel myself slipping farther and farther into a minor depression over the thought of it. The people, the need to work without proper compensation, the time away from my daughters. Although I know it's a necessity, part of me has the giant urge to email my boss and tell her I quit. Too bad I'm just too rational a person to actually do it. I think Alex would probably throw a shit fit if I actually did it. I've been casually looking at jobs online; mostly stay at home jobs. I actually signed on to a virtual assisting temp agency where clients hire you to do administrative work from your home. But to be honest, I haven't been as agressive with it as I could be. Mostly because I know I have a job to go to when my leave is over. And I guess also because the thought of going to something else doesn't exactly thrill me either. I'm weird... I get all these lofty ideas. I have all these dreams of things I'd like to do (thank you the Aquarius in me). But then I'm not really good with change. Stability is my best friend (thank you the Capricorn in me). So, for all the dreaming and fanciful ideas I get for doing things and solving my problems, there is the need for stability and none change. But damn it, I really can't bare the thought of going back to work there. There is a small part of me envies those mothers that can quit their jobs when they have their babies so they can stay home with them. There is that small part of me that feels like less of a mother for having to go back to work and paying shit loads of money to have someone else spend time with my kid. Then, there is that part of me that feels glad that I can do something with my life like work, that I can have an identity outside of just being a stay at home mom. That I can make my own money and not have to depend on my husband or expect that he be the sole breadwinner for the household.
I'm trying so hard not to think about it. I'm trying so hard to be ok with the thought of leaving Arianna at daycare. I'm trying so hard to be ok with going back to work knowing that I'm not going to be happy. But, I guess, such is life. Can anyone really have it all? Can you really be a great mom who is there for your kids for every wonderful moment, have a job you love, be a great wife, and still be able to have time for yourself doing the things you need and want? Is it that wrong to want all of that? I can't seem to escape this tearing feeling. It's truly depressing to think about it. Damn, I need a pick me up. I need something to make feel ok about going back to work and doing everything I so don't even feel ready to do right now.
On a completely unrelated note... watching Extreme Couponers on TLC. I don't know that I'd go as far as they do but it seriously maks me wonder why I spend so much money on my groceries. Maybe if I were that dedicated and methodical about coupons I could actually have the money to spend on the rediculous amounts of daycare I'm going to be spending. Ah, there goes the dreamy Aquarian in me again...