Break my heart and kill my soul.
I don't know if I stopped crying from the time I left the theatre tonight and the time I got home. I think I did, but I was crying before I got to my car, and I was crying when I parked in my backyard. I was actually crying backstage too. But I don't think anyone noticed. When I did, I became very thankful that I have long hair and I used it and Charles' cloak to chield my face so no one would see. And I pretended to read my book. Only Sammy and Eleanor were back with me anyway, but people wander in and out.
I hate it! I hate crying! I hate the way I feel so much of the time! I hate the fact that I don't always know when I'm happy or when I'm fooling myself! I start to think of when I was happy recently. But I always have a shadow of a doubt whether I was happy, thought I should be happy, or what just fooling myself.
"Just put on a happy face." I do. I fool others and oftentimes myself.
An excerpt from the Nonexistent Memoirs:
"Sometimes I feel closed out of life. Not just like I'm observing. But locked out. Like there's a big party of all my friends and everybody's invited but me. That there are millions of things everybody knows, but no one will tell me.
That I'm being humoured.
'Is anybody there?
Does anyody care?'
No.
Like Adams, I am obnoxious and disliked.
And as usual, I'm the last to know."
"Tear drops burn like acid in my eyes."
Yeah.
I feel so alone. Like everyone's leaving me. Some people are going away. Others, well, we're growing apart. And some, just don't need me it seems, though I need them.
I'm afraid to reach out. Afraid of rejection. But more afraid that I'll be humored when no one really does want to me a friend to me.
And I know how absurd it sounds. But I can't be the only person who's ever felt this way. I wish that there was a way to stop these feelings.
Short of suicide. Don't worry. While often I feel that life isn't worth it, I would never do that.
I know I'm needy. But I'm afraid to reach out alot of the times. It's pushed people away. And I never thought much of the fact that I like to hug hello and good-bye, until one friend complained about it recently. It hurt. I didn't bother with it tonight. And I only got one good-bye hug as a result. No one else cared. And one of the people who didn't bother to hug me good-bye complained one night when I forgot to hug them good-bye and almost left without doing so.
Yeah. Screw you all.
I've been drawing again. I don't think I draw well. AJ disagrees. He would. I'm going to get Sammy to scan them for me. And I'll start a photobucket or deviantart or something. I may even give out the address hear so people can see them.
It's so personal though. Most of my drawings so far are series that tell stories. A couplke go with things I've written. And then some just express something.
Well, I think I've cooled down some. I'm still depressed. But I'm not crying anymore. Which is good. AT one point while driving home I was crying so hard that I almost pulled off the side of the road to wait it out. Like bad rain.
Then the song from the "what we do" video came on at exactly midnight. That represents something to me. but I don't know what. It cooled me down enough that I could drive.
In other news: I got my voter registration card today. Yay!
And I had bored hands. Only Charles would take me up one my offer of a shoulder rub. Oh, and Dot didn't complain at the end. Yay! I think that's part of the reason I started drawing...
Well. I'm gonna make some food, read, and eat. I have to be at the theatre in 12 hours.
And class starts on Monday. Though Sunny did a dance class after daggers today which was a nice cool down. And was fun. I look forward to class now. Just not on the way it affects my regular schedule.
I want to hang out with people, but no one else seems to want to much. *sigh*
I escaped from the Dungeon of Viva El Amor!
I killed Reverendglass the leprechaun, Blackbluealice the floating eye and Happygleeboy the nymph.
I looted the Amulet of Ze World!, a Figurine of Jackether, the Amulet of Flesh Parade, a Figurine of Turantula, the Sword of Velveteen Chaos, the Sceptre of Fraggle Rock, the Crown of Paralyzemyeyes and 47 gold pieces.
Score: 297
Explore the Dungeon of Viva El Amor and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...
I escaped from the Dungeon of Turantula!
I killed Puffin Essence the mind flayer, Presumptive the owlbear, Black Cyanne the zombie, Xolunagoddessox the leprechaun, Lo0n the orc, Mastervren the orc and Cloud Glow the rat.
I looted the Sword of Theoryofevrythn, a Figurine of Viva El Amor, the Sword of Anime, the Sword of Bry Sama, the Wand of Eoiae, the Sword of Gtrracer and 28 gold pieces.
Score: 78
Explore the Dungeon of Turantula and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...
I escaped from the Dungeon of Thehighwaycurse!
I killed Tsukikokoro the floating eye, Mabaliciousness the leprechaun, Ladyever the rat, Finalvelocity the owlbear, Palefatalglow the zombie, Droppingeaves the leprechaun, Liononfire the mind flayer, Thehighwaycurse the owlbear, Aurora719 the kobold and Boiledinmilk the kobold.
I looted the Axe of Kanaesin, the Wand of Jackether, the Crown of Thimble Drinker, the Armour of Pinholesky and 222 gold pieces.
Score: 297
Explore the Dungeon of Thehighwaycurse and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...
I escaped from the Dungeon of Mizor!
I killed Goddontlikeugly the troll and Histrionicalme the gelatinous cube.
I looted the Sword of Video Games, the Sceptre of Theatre, the Dagger of Video Games, the Sword of Ladyever, the Dagger of Viva El Amor, the Armour of Theatre, the Shield of Volkazar, the Wand of Video Games, the Armour of Theatre, the Wand of Teching and 33 gold pieces.
Score: 58
Explore the Dungeon of Mizor and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...
Your Body Image is 56% Unhealthy, 44% Healthy
You may think you have a normal body image, but you definitely don't.
While you may not have a serious problem, you obsess over your looks way too much.
How's Your Body Image?
Your 2006 Summer Anthem Is
Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield
"No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins"
What's Your 2006 Summer Anthem?