(no subject)
I am completely useless, and I should go crawl into a hole and die.
My sister is hurt because she thought I was spending more time on Casey then on her this weekend, to the point that she asked my brother to join us 'so she'd have someone to talk to'. And of course, to top it off, she didn't even tell me this herself. No, my brother told me. I am such a total bitch. I adore both of those girls, but apperantly I'm not a good enough friend to have them both over at the same time and make them both feel involved.
The irony in all this was that I felt distant half the time they were at my house because they are so close to one another, and I felt too old, which has never happened to me before. Everything is different at school, I should be finding new friends to form lifelong bonds with, but I'm innocent enough so that I don't fit well with anyone here, and I don't want to become a partyer who drinks too much and smokes pot and likes to spend all their time talking about sex. Maybe I just want to stay the happy showtunes and art girl I was during my senior year. It's not working and I feel like such a tool all the time. As much as I want to make new friends, nothing can replace what I had last year and over the summer. This summer was the best time I've ever had in my life- I was working and responsible for my own money, I was seeing my horse nearly everyday, and we were working toward something together, as a team, and I spent at least two days a week working with the most amazing person I know, again, towards a goal that we both really wanted to achieve and were both really excited about. Now all of a sudden I'm in a major I don't want to be in and I'm not at the school I wanted to be at, everyone at school is cynical and has no problem delving into all of the things I've always sworn off and they try to get me to agree with them, to condone it, my sister thinks I care more about someone else than I do her, and my best friend rarely has the time to talk to me, which isn't her fault, but makes me feel very taken for granted and unloved anyway.
Like I said, I need to go crawl into a hole and die. Like now.
My sister is hurt because she thought I was spending more time on Casey then on her this weekend, to the point that she asked my brother to join us 'so she'd have someone to talk to'. And of course, to top it off, she didn't even tell me this herself. No, my brother told me. I am such a total bitch. I adore both of those girls, but apperantly I'm not a good enough friend to have them both over at the same time and make them both feel involved.
The irony in all this was that I felt distant half the time they were at my house because they are so close to one another, and I felt too old, which has never happened to me before. Everything is different at school, I should be finding new friends to form lifelong bonds with, but I'm innocent enough so that I don't fit well with anyone here, and I don't want to become a partyer who drinks too much and smokes pot and likes to spend all their time talking about sex. Maybe I just want to stay the happy showtunes and art girl I was during my senior year. It's not working and I feel like such a tool all the time. As much as I want to make new friends, nothing can replace what I had last year and over the summer. This summer was the best time I've ever had in my life- I was working and responsible for my own money, I was seeing my horse nearly everyday, and we were working toward something together, as a team, and I spent at least two days a week working with the most amazing person I know, again, towards a goal that we both really wanted to achieve and were both really excited about. Now all of a sudden I'm in a major I don't want to be in and I'm not at the school I wanted to be at, everyone at school is cynical and has no problem delving into all of the things I've always sworn off and they try to get me to agree with them, to condone it, my sister thinks I care more about someone else than I do her, and my best friend rarely has the time to talk to me, which isn't her fault, but makes me feel very taken for granted and unloved anyway.
Like I said, I need to go crawl into a hole and die. Like now.