catholic jokes
i felt like searching the net for some dumb catholic jokes.
Reason for Marriage
A priest officiating at a senior's wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions.
"Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
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hey i think the kids got it RIGHT on a few...
The Bible By Kids
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
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A nun was having a shower when she heard the door bell ring. "Who is it?" she called out.
"I'm blind salesman," he answered.
Figuring she had nothing to worry about, she replied, "Come in."
She dried herself off, wrapped her wet hair in a towel and walked in.
The embarrassed salesman said, "Oh my... I'm not in a such a hurry, if you would like to put on some clothes. In the meantime, where would you like me to display my blinds?"
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What was Jesus?
My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
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The Good Wife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I would like to propose a toast to you! Honey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."
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Religious Light Bulb Jokes
1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.
3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????
4. No. Really, how many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
5. How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
6. How many Church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of; and three to keep the women in submission, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.
7. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
8. How many Tele-evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
9. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.
10. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
11. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
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The Confessional
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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The Beginning of Life
In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.
The Catholic Priest spoke first and said "At conception, of course!"
The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth."
The United Minister tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".
They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog they left behind dies!"
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Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
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Getting a Promotion
Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
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Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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If the Bible Was Written By College Students...
The top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students.
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
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Ministerial Candidates
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.
ADAM Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.
JESUS Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.
NOAH Prone to unrealistic building projects.
ABRAHAM Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.
JOSEPH A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.
MOSES A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.
JOB Complains a lot.
DAVID The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.
SOLOMON Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.
ELIJAH Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.
SAMSON Hair is too long.
JONAH Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.
MELCHIZEDEK Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
JOHN Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is known to lose his head on occasion.
PETER Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.
PAUL Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.
TIMOTHY Too young.
METHUSELAH Too old. WAY too old.
JUDAS His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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The Poor Preacher
A young, newly ordained priest preaches at his first parish. After a few weeks he notes that a lot of the congregation is falling sleep. Dismayed, he seeks out the elder priest.
"Father, I can't seem to give an effective sermon. People fall asleep. What can I do?"
"Well, my boy, it's all a matter of practice. For the next week sit in your study, prop a mirror in front of you, and practice your sermon. Add some gestures. Vary your voice tone. That kind of thing."
Encouraged, the young priest does as the Father had suggested. Come Friday, the two priests are having lunch.
The Elder priest asks. "Well, how did it go?"
"I'm not sure," replies the young man.
"How so?"
"I fell asleep."
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The Holy Family
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
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The Tenth Commandment
A Sunday school class studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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The Lord's Prayer by Kids
Children are often very excited to learn the prayers of the Church. With pride, they carefully enunciated each word. Listen carefully... some of their mispronunciations are quite hilarious.
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some email.
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Heavenly Peace
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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Ministers in Action
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk (and especially out loud) in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
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Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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The Dead Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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The Honest Prayer
A woman had invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," her mother answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, this is the last time I invite all these people over for supper?"
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The Better Half
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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More Christian Pick-up Lines
I didn't believe in predestination till I met you.
I'll turn the other cheek for you, if you'll turn yours to me.
When they designed those Precious Moment figurines, I'll bet you were the model.
I have an extra dove pin. Want me to pin it on you?
Love is patient and kind, you know. If you'll be patient, I'll be kind.
Man does not live by bread alone. So how about dinner and a movie?
What do you think Paul meant when he said, "Greet everyone with a holy kiss" (1Pet 5:24)?
There's a great party at Magdalen's tonite. Wanna go?
I know this joint where the bartender has a bottomless wine vat. Free bread & loaves, too.
Oh, I see you eat locusts, too.
A little bird... the Holy Spirit actually... tells me we should get to know each other a little better.
My real name is Abbie, but my friends call me 'Faithful Abraham'.
What do you think? Will it be the flood or the fire next time?
I've read the Book of Revelations 104 times, but there's still parts of it I don't understand.
Would you like to come to my house and see my stained glass designs.
Am I the only one who sees the sign of the beast in the Volkswagon logo?
Do you know what's the most important book of the Bible?
Could you come and pull this mote out of my eye?
Do you mind if I lay hands on you?
Nice Bible.
You know Jesus?! Me, too!
God told me to come talk to you.
I know a church where we could go and talk.
How about a hug, sister?
Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
The Word says, "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." So how about dinner?
You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither!
You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Nice bracelet. What Would Jesus Date? Oh, I mean "Do."
Do you believe in divine appointment?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
You know, they say that you've never really dated until you date a Christian.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!
Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11.
I am here for you.
My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's His name.
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First Day on the Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
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Pet Peeve
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a millipede (1000-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home and found a good location for the box.
He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, to pray and worship the Lord." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings." But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me we will have a good time!"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
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Look Ma, No Arms!
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "here they have learned to feed each other."
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The Astonished Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay there were hundreds of people ahead of him in line ot face St. Peter.
To his astonishment, St. Peter soon left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what make me special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculations you must be about a hundred and ninety-three years old!"
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In the Shadow of Blondes
Three blondes, who had recently died their hair, died and went to heaven. At the gate St. Peter decided to test their skills. After a few moments he realized that they must be blondes because they did not know the major feast days of the Church.
Finally exasperated Peter exclaimed, "If anyone of you can answer this question you all will pass the test: What is Easter?"
The three though for a while then the first said, "It's that day when everyone lights candles and carves pumpkins and go door to door collecting candy."
"Wrong," said St. Peter sadly.
"I know." said the second. "It's that day when everyone gets presents decorates pine trees and puts up pretty lights.
"Wrong, wrong." Said St. Peter, shaking his head.
The third jumped in "Wait! I know! It's when on the third day they roll back the stone and Jesus came out..."
"Yes!" cried St. Peter, while the two cheered, "You finally...."
"Wait! I'm not finished" said the man "and if He sees His shadow...."
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Morning Prayer
Dear Lord,
So far today Lord, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over-indulgent. And I'm very thankful to you for that.
But..........In a few minutes, Lord, I'm probably going to need a lot more help because I'm going to get out of bed!!!!!
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Christian Pickup Lines
Nice bible.
I would like to pray with you.
You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
God told me to come talk to you.
I know a church where we could go and talk.
How about a hug, sister/brother?
Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
I am here for you.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry"; how about dinner?
You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do".
Do you believe in Divine appointment?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
(For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
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The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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Children's Letters to God
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend -- (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob
Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
-Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie
Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles
Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene
-----------------
Ratzinger Joke
Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.
St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.
He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..."
----------------
Jesuit Joke
What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?
---------------
Reason for Marriage
A priest officiating at a senior's wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions.
"Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
---------------------
hey i think the kids got it RIGHT on a few...
The Bible By Kids
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
------------------
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
--------------
A nun was having a shower when she heard the door bell ring. "Who is it?" she called out.
"I'm blind salesman," he answered.
Figuring she had nothing to worry about, she replied, "Come in."
She dried herself off, wrapped her wet hair in a towel and walked in.
The embarrassed salesman said, "Oh my... I'm not in a such a hurry, if you would like to put on some clothes. In the meantime, where would you like me to display my blinds?"
------------------
What was Jesus?
My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
---------------------
The Good Wife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I would like to propose a toast to you! Honey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."
--------------
Religious Light Bulb Jokes
1. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. Or... Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.
3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????
4. No. Really, how many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
5. How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
6. How many Church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of; and three to keep the women in submission, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.
7. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
8. How many Tele-evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
9. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because anymore would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.
10. How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
11. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.
-----------------
The Confessional
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
-----------
The Beginning of Life
In a recent Round-table Discussion Group the question was asked of the Ministerial Panel, at what point does life begin.
The Catholic Priest spoke first and said "At conception, of course!"
The Presbyterian Minister said "No, no, it's certainly begins at birth."
The United Minister tried to buffer the obvious argument point and suggested "Perhaps you're both wrong, and it's a compromise in that the fetus is not functional with a heartbeat until the third month".
They had to prod the Jewish Rabbi for his answer, and he finally leaned forward to his mike and spoke softly "All of my friends here are wrong. Life begins when the last child leaves home and the dog they left behind dies!"
--------------
Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."
The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
-----------
Getting a Promotion
Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop." said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
------------
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
------------
If the Bible Was Written By College Students...
The top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students.
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
---------------
Ministerial Candidates
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a ministry position.
ADAM Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.
JESUS Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single. Has a messiah complex.
NOAH Prone to unrealistic building projects.
ABRAHAM Though the reference reported wife swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife.
JOSEPH A big thinker but a braggart. Believes in dream interpreting, and has a prison record. Had been accused of adultery.
MOSES A modest and meek man but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly.
JOB Complains a lot.
DAVID The most promising leader of all until we discovered his affair with his neighbour's wife. His kids are out of control. Worse yet, he's a proponent of instrumental music in worship.
SOLOMON Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives. Good with building projects though. Rather extravagant.
ELIJAH Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Spends too much time in wilderness. Loner. No wife that we know of.
SAMSON Hair is too long.
JONAH Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. Known to pout when things don't go his way. We hung up.
MELCHIZEDEK Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
JOHN Says he's a Baptist but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end. Has a weird diet. Provokes denominational leaders. Is too social and political minded. Offends politicians and is known to lose his head on occasion.
PETER Too blue collar. Has a bad temper. Has even been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon. Probably speaks in tongues. Claims to have visions.
PAUL Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night. Controversial on women's issues. Admits to speaking in tongues. Has recommended young men to drink wine. Little chance that he will ever marry.
TIMOTHY Too young.
METHUSELAH Too old. WAY too old.
JUDAS His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative and pragmatic. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
----------------
The Poor Preacher
A young, newly ordained priest preaches at his first parish. After a few weeks he notes that a lot of the congregation is falling sleep. Dismayed, he seeks out the elder priest.
"Father, I can't seem to give an effective sermon. People fall asleep. What can I do?"
"Well, my boy, it's all a matter of practice. For the next week sit in your study, prop a mirror in front of you, and practice your sermon. Add some gestures. Vary your voice tone. That kind of thing."
Encouraged, the young priest does as the Father had suggested. Come Friday, the two priests are having lunch.
The Elder priest asks. "Well, how did it go?"
"I'm not sure," replies the young man.
"How so?"
"I fell asleep."
---------------
The Holy Family
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
-----------
The Tenth Commandment
A Sunday school class studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
-------------
The Lord's Prayer by Kids
Children are often very excited to learn the prayers of the Church. With pride, they carefully enunciated each word. Listen carefully... some of their mispronunciations are quite hilarious.
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some email.
------------
Heavenly Peace
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
--------------------
Ministers in Action
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk (and especially out loud) in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
------------
Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
------------
The Dead Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
----------------
The Honest Prayer
A woman had invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," her mother answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, this is the last time I invite all these people over for supper?"
-------------
The Better Half
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
----------------
More Christian Pick-up Lines
I didn't believe in predestination till I met you.
I'll turn the other cheek for you, if you'll turn yours to me.
When they designed those Precious Moment figurines, I'll bet you were the model.
I have an extra dove pin. Want me to pin it on you?
Love is patient and kind, you know. If you'll be patient, I'll be kind.
Man does not live by bread alone. So how about dinner and a movie?
What do you think Paul meant when he said, "Greet everyone with a holy kiss" (1Pet 5:24)?
There's a great party at Magdalen's tonite. Wanna go?
I know this joint where the bartender has a bottomless wine vat. Free bread & loaves, too.
Oh, I see you eat locusts, too.
A little bird... the Holy Spirit actually... tells me we should get to know each other a little better.
My real name is Abbie, but my friends call me 'Faithful Abraham'.
What do you think? Will it be the flood or the fire next time?
I've read the Book of Revelations 104 times, but there's still parts of it I don't understand.
Would you like to come to my house and see my stained glass designs.
Am I the only one who sees the sign of the beast in the Volkswagon logo?
Do you know what's the most important book of the Bible?
Could you come and pull this mote out of my eye?
Do you mind if I lay hands on you?
Nice Bible.
You know Jesus?! Me, too!
God told me to come talk to you.
I know a church where we could go and talk.
How about a hug, sister?
Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
The Word says, "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." So how about dinner?
You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither!
You want to come over and watch "The 10 Commandments" tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Nice bracelet. What Would Jesus Date? Oh, I mean "Do."
Do you believe in divine appointment?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
You know, they say that you've never really dated until you date a Christian.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!
Oh, you're cold? Maybe we should read Ecclesiastes 4:11.
I am here for you.
My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's His name.
---------------------------------
First Day on the Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
----------------
Pet Peeve
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a millipede (1000-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home and found a good location for the box.
He decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, to pray and worship the Lord." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings." But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me we will have a good time!"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
--------------------
Look Ma, No Arms!
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "here they have learned to feed each other."
-------------
The Astonished Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay there were hundreds of people ahead of him in line ot face St. Peter.
To his astonishment, St. Peter soon left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what make me special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculations you must be about a hundred and ninety-three years old!"
--------------------
In the Shadow of Blondes
Three blondes, who had recently died their hair, died and went to heaven. At the gate St. Peter decided to test their skills. After a few moments he realized that they must be blondes because they did not know the major feast days of the Church.
Finally exasperated Peter exclaimed, "If anyone of you can answer this question you all will pass the test: What is Easter?"
The three though for a while then the first said, "It's that day when everyone lights candles and carves pumpkins and go door to door collecting candy."
"Wrong," said St. Peter sadly.
"I know." said the second. "It's that day when everyone gets presents decorates pine trees and puts up pretty lights.
"Wrong, wrong." Said St. Peter, shaking his head.
The third jumped in "Wait! I know! It's when on the third day they roll back the stone and Jesus came out..."
"Yes!" cried St. Peter, while the two cheered, "You finally...."
"Wait! I'm not finished" said the man "and if He sees His shadow...."
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Morning Prayer
Dear Lord,
So far today Lord, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over-indulgent. And I'm very thankful to you for that.
But..........In a few minutes, Lord, I'm probably going to need a lot more help because I'm going to get out of bed!!!!!
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Christian Pickup Lines
Nice bible.
I would like to pray with you.
You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
God told me to come talk to you.
I know a church where we could go and talk.
How about a hug, sister/brother?
Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
I am here for you.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry"; how about dinner?
You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a Christian man/woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do".
Do you believe in Divine appointment?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
(For the ladies) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.
What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
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The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife?...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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Children's Letters to God
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend -- (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.
-Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob
Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
-Marsha
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
-Sincerely, Donna
Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie
Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles
Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
-Eugene
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Ratzinger Joke
Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.
St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.
He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.
Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done..."
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Jesuit Joke
What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?
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