(no subject)
LONG religious joke:
So, there's this pagan guy and he's going about his day, minding his own business really, when he just up and dies. Nothing complicated, he wasn't murdered; he's just dead. He finds himself raising up out of his body and moving towards a bright light. Past the light he find himself a in a line going up to a pair of Pearly Gates where this guy with a book letting people through.
When he gets there, looking very perplexed by his surroundings, the guy with the book looks at him and asks, "Name?"
"Sorry?"
"What's your name?"
"Forget about that for a second. Where am I? What's going on?"
The guy rolls his eyes, "You died. This is the entrance to Heaven. I'm St. Peter. This ringing any bells??"
"Heaven?" pagan guy gets upset, "I don't believe in Heaven. You can't be St. Peter! I should be going to the Summerlands!!"
"Going where exac..." Pete pauses and glances at his book and then gives the pagan a side glance, "Oh great! You're one of those pagan fellows aren't you?"
"Well, yes."
"That's too bad. You've got to goto Hell."
"I don't believe in Hell."
"That's a pity cuz that's where you're going."
"There's no such thing as Hell."
"According to you there's no such place as where you are now either but here you are." Pete is really annoyed by this, "See, since you folks refuse to accept the one true faith we automatically kick you down to Hell."
"True faith? There's no such thing."
"Sorry. Them's the rules."
The argument, pointless as it is, goes on for a bit before finally Pete gets completely fed up and boots the pagan down to Hell. Finally arriving, looking around with wonderment, the pagan sees green meadows and lakes and people walking around practically glowing with joy. He's just about ready to pass off that whole Pearly Gates nonsense when he hears a voice behind him...
..."Hi."
"Oh, hello."
"You're new here aren't you?"
"Yes, I just arrived....and you are?"
"Oh, I'm the Devil."
"What?!" the pagan looks around nervously.
"Don't worry, it's not as bad as all that."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. This is a great place. You can do anything you want anytime you want for all the rest of Eternity."
At that moment, the sky cracks open and a million screaming souls come falling down. Under them the ground rips open and flames lick up at them as though hungry and they fall in. Then the ground seals up.
The pagan, made ever so much more uncomfortable by that little display, turns back to the Devil, "What was that all about?"
"Oh, those were just a bunch of sinners of the so called true faith." the Devil shrugs, "Christians...what can you do?"
-------------------
also horrible:
Jesus is on the cross being crucified and he desperately calls out for Peter. So Peter tries to push his way through all the centurions and gets an arm chopped off. Trying again, he gets his other arm cut off and then both his legs.
Finally he gets to Jesus and by now Peter's just a torso and he asks, "What is it, Lord?"
Jesus replies: "I can see your house from here!"
and a FILK i couldn't resist posting:
I WILL SURVIVE:
The latest version of the song "I WILL SURVIVE"
SING IT GIRLS!!! (maybe in your head, if you are reading this at work!) Ready... Set... Go!!!
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known it was bullshit,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!
Go on now, go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego,
And to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
Two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, are upstairs in their bedroom one morning. "You know what?", says the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The four-year-old nods his head in approval, so the seven-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?"
"Okay, okay," the four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. So they go downstairs and their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh shit Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." says the seven-year-old. THWACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother turns to the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
---------------------
A Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. So he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! So the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
So, there's this pagan guy and he's going about his day, minding his own business really, when he just up and dies. Nothing complicated, he wasn't murdered; he's just dead. He finds himself raising up out of his body and moving towards a bright light. Past the light he find himself a in a line going up to a pair of Pearly Gates where this guy with a book letting people through.
When he gets there, looking very perplexed by his surroundings, the guy with the book looks at him and asks, "Name?"
"Sorry?"
"What's your name?"
"Forget about that for a second. Where am I? What's going on?"
The guy rolls his eyes, "You died. This is the entrance to Heaven. I'm St. Peter. This ringing any bells??"
"Heaven?" pagan guy gets upset, "I don't believe in Heaven. You can't be St. Peter! I should be going to the Summerlands!!"
"Going where exac..." Pete pauses and glances at his book and then gives the pagan a side glance, "Oh great! You're one of those pagan fellows aren't you?"
"Well, yes."
"That's too bad. You've got to goto Hell."
"I don't believe in Hell."
"That's a pity cuz that's where you're going."
"There's no such thing as Hell."
"According to you there's no such place as where you are now either but here you are." Pete is really annoyed by this, "See, since you folks refuse to accept the one true faith we automatically kick you down to Hell."
"True faith? There's no such thing."
"Sorry. Them's the rules."
The argument, pointless as it is, goes on for a bit before finally Pete gets completely fed up and boots the pagan down to Hell. Finally arriving, looking around with wonderment, the pagan sees green meadows and lakes and people walking around practically glowing with joy. He's just about ready to pass off that whole Pearly Gates nonsense when he hears a voice behind him...
..."Hi."
"Oh, hello."
"You're new here aren't you?"
"Yes, I just arrived....and you are?"
"Oh, I'm the Devil."
"What?!" the pagan looks around nervously.
"Don't worry, it's not as bad as all that."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. This is a great place. You can do anything you want anytime you want for all the rest of Eternity."
At that moment, the sky cracks open and a million screaming souls come falling down. Under them the ground rips open and flames lick up at them as though hungry and they fall in. Then the ground seals up.
The pagan, made ever so much more uncomfortable by that little display, turns back to the Devil, "What was that all about?"
"Oh, those were just a bunch of sinners of the so called true faith." the Devil shrugs, "Christians...what can you do?"
-------------------
also horrible:
Jesus is on the cross being crucified and he desperately calls out for Peter. So Peter tries to push his way through all the centurions and gets an arm chopped off. Trying again, he gets his other arm cut off and then both his legs.
Finally he gets to Jesus and by now Peter's just a torso and he asks, "What is it, Lord?"
Jesus replies: "I can see your house from here!"
and a FILK i couldn't resist posting:
I WILL SURVIVE:
The latest version of the song "I WILL SURVIVE"
SING IT GIRLS!!! (maybe in your head, if you are reading this at work!) Ready... Set... Go!!!
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known it was bullshit,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!
Go on now, go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego,
And to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive!
I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
Two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, are upstairs in their bedroom one morning. "You know what?", says the seven-year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The four-year-old nods his head in approval, so the seven-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?"
"Okay, okay," the four-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. So they go downstairs and their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh shit Mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." says the seven-year-old. THWACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother turns to the four-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
---------------------
A Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. So he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! So the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."