A Poem for Thinky-Thought Sunday
An Urge
Jumping in puddles
Just to watch them
Explode like bombs
Little worlds I
Disturb with my feet
Soaking through socks
Laughing 'cuz Mom
Isn't here
To tell me not to.
So good to grow up
Joy in the wet
And the cold
And the damp
Pain in the impact
Feet on pavement
Jumping in puddles
Just because I
Need to breathe
Take a break
Just because I can
**
I find it so hard to have faith on days like today -- when I'm alone in the quiet of my room after a weekend filled with fun and friends and laughter. It's like God removes the burden of the stress of my day-to-day life and replaces it with all of this joy -- only to bring it crashing back down on my head.
I don't want them to leave. I find solace in my friends who love HP and understand fandom being here. They laughed at the time I spent writing and sang songs with me as we walked in the rain to the Wrock concert. And being there was like a rush of love -- an overwhelming sense of acceptance. I know it was awful of me but it was wonderful to have a weekend where I didn't have to wonder how I was going to pay for food to eat, and if I was going to make it through the next day because the loneliness of my sort of... willful self-isolation had finally gotten to me.
I'm sorry this isn't less personal or that perhaps it's melodramatic. I find myself so tired tonight I can't filter out what it's "okay" for people to see and what it isn't.
I'm getting better about asking for help when I need it. I never used to think of myself as a prideful person, but I can see now that I was -- prideful in my writing, prideful in my family, prideful in my faith, and as I question all of that I keep coming back to the beauty and simplicity of the love of my friends and the good intentions of my family.
My Dad is always going to hurt me because he can't understand how much this all means to me. And my sister isn't ever going to understand how internet friend isn't all that different from real life friend. And my roommate is always going to hit on the guys I like and make me feel fat and stupid and ugly because I can't bring myself to defend myself to her. I told her that I was interested in him and she spent all of tonight hanging off of his arm. And I didn't want to disturb them -- where's my backbone?
Urgh. Stopping the whining now.
Jumping in puddles
Just to watch them
Explode like bombs
Little worlds I
Disturb with my feet
Soaking through socks
Laughing 'cuz Mom
Isn't here
To tell me not to.
So good to grow up
Joy in the wet
And the cold
And the damp
Pain in the impact
Feet on pavement
Jumping in puddles
Just because I
Need to breathe
Take a break
Just because I can
**
I find it so hard to have faith on days like today -- when I'm alone in the quiet of my room after a weekend filled with fun and friends and laughter. It's like God removes the burden of the stress of my day-to-day life and replaces it with all of this joy -- only to bring it crashing back down on my head.
I don't want them to leave. I find solace in my friends who love HP and understand fandom being here. They laughed at the time I spent writing and sang songs with me as we walked in the rain to the Wrock concert. And being there was like a rush of love -- an overwhelming sense of acceptance. I know it was awful of me but it was wonderful to have a weekend where I didn't have to wonder how I was going to pay for food to eat, and if I was going to make it through the next day because the loneliness of my sort of... willful self-isolation had finally gotten to me.
I'm sorry this isn't less personal or that perhaps it's melodramatic. I find myself so tired tonight I can't filter out what it's "okay" for people to see and what it isn't.
I'm getting better about asking for help when I need it. I never used to think of myself as a prideful person, but I can see now that I was -- prideful in my writing, prideful in my family, prideful in my faith, and as I question all of that I keep coming back to the beauty and simplicity of the love of my friends and the good intentions of my family.
My Dad is always going to hurt me because he can't understand how much this all means to me. And my sister isn't ever going to understand how internet friend isn't all that different from real life friend. And my roommate is always going to hit on the guys I like and make me feel fat and stupid and ugly because I can't bring myself to defend myself to her. I told her that I was interested in him and she spent all of tonight hanging off of his arm. And I didn't want to disturb them -- where's my backbone?
Urgh. Stopping the whining now.