choicessssssssssssssss
my friend....Ive known her since I began doing Corona faire....she is a beaming ray of sunshine with the most amazing GREEN eyes Ive ever had the pleasure of enjoying.....bubbly, fun, exuberant girl....my fellow braider and drinking pal......and yet underlying..she was unhappy.....she is married..sweet, kind man who loves her.....yet she was unhappy.....wanted a baby desperately.....to the point of needing hormone injections....had her baby...beautiful, bouncing boy.....yet she was unhappy......she found solace in food to the point of having a gastric bypass surgery...lost the weight.....yet she was still unhappy....has a great teaching job.....yet she is still unhappy,....had a lovely house...yet she is still unhappy....why do i know this? because she nunbed herself...over and over and over for years....numbed herself to the point of now being on her death-bed...liteally.....she just turned 40yrs old.....and she will never find her happiness....she has never learned to love herself so she could then be happy ......Im sad as I type this.....it was so hard to view my friend...emaciatingly tiny in her hospital bed....with the glow of "yellow skin"......her liver has shut down...it no longer wants to play the way she has demanded it play with her all these years.....and by her liver finally giving up the ship....she will now not be able to watch her 5y.old golden child grow up, she wont see him at age 12yrs (where my sons are now), she wont see him graduate high school or college or watch him get married.....all because she forced her liver to play over time....work too hard for too long.....my son asked me if I was ok....Im not....Im torn....Im angry, Im sad, Im pissed, ....she did this to herself dammitt.....if she could in any way GET THRU THIS....Id want her to SWEAR to NEVER TAKE A DRINK EVER AGAIN.....completely clean out her house....take away her credit cards, her money...watch her like a hawk....get her into a locked down facility to make her sober up....she how close she came to losing all she had wanted in her life.....her son will not grow up with happy memories of his mommy, especially when he really learns HOW SHE DIED....that she basically did a slow suicide......that she chose to drink over her son,...the son she soooo desperately wanted.....she chose fuckin CHARDONNEY over her son!! how does a mom do that?.....Im not ok....I wanted to slap her as she was lying there in front of me.....just shake her....make her WANT to wake up,....get better.....GET SOBER AND STAY SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but most likely...she will succumb to her liver and she will lose that battle within days of my typing this....then I will attend her funeral....I will angrily attend her funeral.....I will see her son....and I will mourn for him....for the mom he will not remember.....for the sober mom he wont remember....for the mom that desperately wanted him.....I miss my friend......she will be missed by me....I dont know how I will feel about her....about her choices....choices......choices.......it's really all about choices isnt it?