Father's Day Rant

[ladycamaro]

Well it isn't a serious rant but one nonetheless. More about the card companies and the messages they put on Father's Day cards. Almost all of them speak about how great your father is. They are great for John. He is a wonderful father and those suit him perfectly. Though since I show the cards (computer program for self-made cards that are printed

Comments

[bluescottygirl]

I remember when my grandfather died, I was pregnant with DD#2 and I met up with my father who asked me what my eldest called him (should have known then *L*).....so I said he is known as "Granda Gordon"...the next generation back of grandparents are known as Gran/Granda "surname") and he asked "can we do away with the "Gordon"...I want them just to call me "Granda".....so I thought, yeah! here we are, new start, dad is taking his position as head of the family and wants to be a part of my life, and that of my childrens, everthing is going to be fantastic!

I should have known better, I held out for another couple of years and then finally gave up when he called one christmas to ask what the girls would like for gifts. I said "it would be nice if you called them, that's the best gift"....I said it nicely, infact I probably sounded a bit hurt that he hadn't...anyway, that year a box of gifts arrived...the best of everything ofcourse......but by the following year he'd got the message.I've seen him once since then....neither of us could get away fast enough.

I guess the point of this ramble is...sometimes you just have to know when to give up but you have to be READY to give up. Sometimes it takes a trigger (for me it was that I didn't want him to treat my children with the same indifference he treated me), sometimes we just come to realise...my father and I drifted apart long before I was read to actually cut the ties completly and just give up......there's only so many times you can have a phone slammed down on you (by his wife) when you call and he's not there......so many times you can take your own father saying "you lied, my wife said that didn't happen"....and so many times you can look into the eyes of your father and see that despite the fact that you live hundreds of miles away and came to see him....he would rather be somewhere..ANYWHERE else!

The really, really sad part to this story however is, my father and I have so much in common. From what I know of him our ideals are the same, our principles, a lot of what we stand for is similar. My mother, when she became exasperated with me used to say "you're so like your father!".....I took it as a compliment *L*.....He raised his adopted kids wonderfully and supportively and would be someone I would LOVE to have around my girls.....he and his wife both because I think they would be a fantastic influence on them........whatever the reason though, plain and simply...THEY don't wish to be around me.

Their loss!

Sounds like you're not quite ready to give up on your dad yet but perhaps one day you will and at least then you can look back and say you gave it your best shot.

*warm hugs*..and sorry for waffling!

[ladycamaro]

Reading your words brought me to tears. I guess it is because I can see exactly where you are coming from. I don't think I am ready to let go. I have recently (last couple years) gotten over the guilt trips from my family. Oddly enough my dad and step-mom were the least likely to try that on me. When I was pregnant we lived within 20 minutes of my family and they never called or visited. So when our lease was up I wanted to move to where John's family was. They live an hour away from my family. He is extremely close with them and they welcomed me so much making me feel comfortable and part of their family. So now I hear the comments, "we never get to see you." "You live so far away." I guess it is because my dad's sibilings (sister and brother) are both single so family gatherings always had all of us and my two cousins from that side of the family. They all lived with a two mile radius of each other. I was the first one to get out of that circle and also the first to start my own family, understanbly since I am the oldest. My cousin who is a year younger moved in with her boyfriend a couple months ago, which happens to be about four hours away. Doesn't seem like anyone is giving her guilt trips about it. Maybe when she has a child it will start?

The point of my ramble is that having a family of my own, I am still ajusting to it. Calling my dad, PapPap or grandpap still feels weird. I think breaking that mold takes time. And maybe the thought of losing touch with my 12-year-old half sister that lives with my dad isn't something I can do. I don't talk to them often. Every other month or so we have a birthday or some holiday that occurs. I gave up trying to visit them every few weeks or once a month like we did when Kailee was a baby. They only come down here once a year for Kailee's birthday party and they complain "jokingly" about it. I feel so bad for hubby cause I end up sounding like a broken record when I rant and rave about them. Though when Kailee was a baby I didn't vent. I held it all in. Now I am learning to get it out before I explode. And when my sister comes to send the night or weekend (once or twice a year), I have told my dad to drive one way or she can't come down. I don't drive so getting John to drive one way is all the further I will go.

In length, I am making slow progress and I don't feel down or guilty when I hear them say things. I am learning to give them a taste of their own medicine. And I am not shocked about my dad's lack of involvement. I was the mother figure to both my younger brother and I raised my sister from two months until she was six and a half years old when I moved out. I was the one telling my dad to behave when he went out to the bars. To not drink and drive, etc etc. I have learned to not expect much from him. I was always the parent in our relationship. I will be the one to break the cycle of bad parenting. And when the day comes that I become a grandparent, my kids will be sick of seeing me cause I will be a huge part of my grandchildren's lives as well. ~laughs lightly~ Thanks for your words hun. It means so much to me. ~hugs~