Comments | ladycallie: Counting to Ten with Crows, part one

ladycallie

Counting to Ten with Crows, part one

Jan 15, 2011 19:24

Fandom: Buffy
Characters/pairings: Willow/Tara implied, Willow, Buffy, Xander
Rating: PG13
Warnings/Triggers: none
Setting: Post Wrecked
Written for WhichWitch Willow ficathon at whichwillow

Summary: The energy throbbed inside her, humming through bone and sinew, lightening bursts and her vision sparkled as magick crested across her brain, tripping neurons ( Read more... )

btvs, adventures of a fangirl, [ fanfic - btvs ], fanfic

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Feedback-a-thon Goodness valyssia December 27 2011, 22:06:21 UTC

He liked football and porn, although she shared that interest, and he was happy. He skirted the knife’s edge of popularity in high school, unpopular and dorky but outgoing and gregarious enough to aim high. He took the ego bruising in stride and learned to laugh at those who wouldn’t laugh with him.Were this mine, I would cut the above text. The first sentence is confusing--I'm still not sure I know exactly what you mean--and from there down you're really just feeding your audience information they already have. If there was a purpose in the reminder, it might play, but really, it feels to me like you picked the story up there after a break and wrote that as warm up material. I'd suggest tying it more concretely to a pang of sentimentality if you want to keep it, but I think it just weighs the piece down ( ... )

Re: Feedback-a-thon Goodness ladycallie December 30 2011, 05:46:30 UTC

I'm fairly certain that was exactly what I did with that segment. I wrote this in three separate rounds of writing mania, and I haven't had interest enough to return to it to finish it. :/

Would you say it would benefit from adding more of this hollowness you mentioned? The way my mind plays it, it's empty but full, that soul deep need, that moment where you stop saying no and just say yes,t before the guilt and responsibility empty you out again. I worry adding more would slog the story down, or contrast with the none to subtle bird metaphors...? But I agree, there's more here, I just need to dig it out a bit.

Re: Feedback-a-thon Goodness valyssia December 30 2011, 06:53:00 UTC

Okay, let me back up. I wasn't talking about 'a hollow,' I was saying that your story has a hollow spot because you missed a key aspect of addiction...and that is 'the Jones,' or 'craving' if you prefer ( ... )

Re: Feedback-a-thon Goodness valyssia December 30 2011, 07:47:40 UTC

I'm gonna do this again 'cause I'm still a screw up ( ... )

Re: Feedback-a-thon Goodness valyssia December 30 2011, 12:20:20 UTC

Jeez-o-Petes, I'm doing it again, but I never really answered your question.

If you wrote the additions in a way that was counter to your nature, you could slide them in with very little impact on the flow.

Limit yourself to 8 words per sentence, no more. Fewer if you can pull it off. Make it Hemmingway tight. Just the barest of information to get the point across. Lace it in and back out.

The tightness will heighten the tension of the story. When mixed with your more florid prose describing the pain, the effect should be very striking.

Small footprint - huge bump in authenticity.

Try it and see if you like it.

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