round and round we go
so my local doctor called today.
he is highly against me getting a donor transplant. he says they are both too experimental and too risky. while on one hand, i'm: yay, no transplant! on the other hand i'm: well what the fuck am i supposed to do now? Dr. C says he doesn't know. (way to inspire confidence, Doc) he says he can prevent my cancer from spreading any further with regular chemos that shouldn't make me lose my hair. we pushed him for other options and he said he would research possible clinical trials. i found 3 that i was eligible for in fifteen minutes, but this means going to sloan kettering in new york or md anderson in texas. or possible elsewhere.
this is very scary. i'm only 25. there is still so much that i need to see and do in my life. i was scared the last two times i had cancer, but not the way i'm terrified now. most of the time, i try not to think about it, but that doesn't always work. my depression comes in waves that can hit at any time. at work, in the car, right before bed. i think i need to be cuddled. maybe i need to go see a counselor. but i kind of feel like this is one of those things where the counselor will nod sympathetically and go: gee, your life really does suck. no wonder you're depressed.
yes i know, i'm being too pessimistic.
it's just been a really rough day.
he is highly against me getting a donor transplant. he says they are both too experimental and too risky. while on one hand, i'm: yay, no transplant! on the other hand i'm: well what the fuck am i supposed to do now? Dr. C says he doesn't know. (way to inspire confidence, Doc) he says he can prevent my cancer from spreading any further with regular chemos that shouldn't make me lose my hair. we pushed him for other options and he said he would research possible clinical trials. i found 3 that i was eligible for in fifteen minutes, but this means going to sloan kettering in new york or md anderson in texas. or possible elsewhere.
this is very scary. i'm only 25. there is still so much that i need to see and do in my life. i was scared the last two times i had cancer, but not the way i'm terrified now. most of the time, i try not to think about it, but that doesn't always work. my depression comes in waves that can hit at any time. at work, in the car, right before bed. i think i need to be cuddled. maybe i need to go see a counselor. but i kind of feel like this is one of those things where the counselor will nod sympathetically and go: gee, your life really does suck. no wonder you're depressed.
yes i know, i'm being too pessimistic.
it's just been a really rough day.