it's a lot... i know... i wish i could control thoughts.
I’m not really sure what I’m feeling right now. All i know is I don’t like. It just seems as if nothing is going my way…ever! I am stuck in a rut that I can’t get out of. I need so many things that I can’t get. Sorry I know that’s confusing. I think my main problem is I’m lonely. I know everyone’s sick of hearing that, but it’s true. Everywhere I turn there’s a happy couple. That just leaves me wondering WHY. Why can’t I be happy alone? I know we’re not meant to be alone… perhaps that’s the reason. I try to pray about it… but how selfish? I mean there are far more important things in the world. But everyone knows how important love is to me, so should I really feel guilty? I look back on my college years and how I thought I had it all figured out. Boy was I wrong. I thought I set a path of happiness, where did it leave me? I know things can’t be what I want them. I know I’m dreaming on dreams and wishing on wishes, but it’s so hard to give up hope. I can’t let go of it. But it’s killing me to hold on. Would I be happier if I let go? I don’t know,
I don’t trust anyone anymore. I want to believe people, but I can’t. I can’t believe myself. I expect to be loved and want to be loved, but have I forgotten to love myself? Yeah, I have. And we all know we can’t expect others to love us without loving ourselves first. And maybe I can’t love until I love myself. Or maybe when the right one loves me, I will love myself. Lord, this is tricky stuff. Wouldn’t it be easier to know your soul mate from the beginning? Forget the searching, the tears, the wondering and wandering. They say I’ll know when I see him… I say that can’t be true. I used to believe it. But everything I believed in is no longer. I long for something new to hold on to. I’ve been longing for a long time. And well, there’s nothing. And it’s said when you stop looking it will come… but stopping is the hard part. When you see it everyday, when you’re surrounded by it, how can you not long for it? How do you not care? I guess I answered that years ago, but it’s not so easy now. I have to stop now… I’m getting nowhere. Oh wow… the story of my life.
I don’t trust anyone anymore. I want to believe people, but I can’t. I can’t believe myself. I expect to be loved and want to be loved, but have I forgotten to love myself? Yeah, I have. And we all know we can’t expect others to love us without loving ourselves first. And maybe I can’t love until I love myself. Or maybe when the right one loves me, I will love myself. Lord, this is tricky stuff. Wouldn’t it be easier to know your soul mate from the beginning? Forget the searching, the tears, the wondering and wandering. They say I’ll know when I see him… I say that can’t be true. I used to believe it. But everything I believed in is no longer. I long for something new to hold on to. I’ve been longing for a long time. And well, there’s nothing. And it’s said when you stop looking it will come… but stopping is the hard part. When you see it everyday, when you’re surrounded by it, how can you not long for it? How do you not care? I guess I answered that years ago, but it’s not so easy now. I have to stop now… I’m getting nowhere. Oh wow… the story of my life.