ok...here it is...
so as of late i heard something about myself that was very interesting to me. someone said about me something to the effect of that i seem so happy and together all the time despite all the things i have been through in my life.
i suppose this is true most of the time, yes, but lately i have been falling apart. i have been cooped up in my house for two weeks with hardly any visitors. i have watched all the tv i can bare and i cant really talk on the phone seeing as how ive just had surgery on my throat and for days i could barely speak and then i could only talk slightly above a whisper. im feeling much better now, but my throat still hurts quite a bit and my speaking voice still isnt up to conversations longer than about 10 minutes.
anyway, i guess during the last two weeks i have been forced to deal with some suppressed emotions i have had, especially those pertaining to someone i love. about four weeks ago we split up kind of and i havent really heard from him since. well there was one rather long fb message that said some wonderful things about how strong of a person i am and how he knows i can handle my life and other things...but other than that and the text checking to make sure my surgery went okay, thats it. ive come to accept that i wont speak to him until he is finished with his summer of service, which is fine with me because i have my own things to deal with as well. its just, i miss him a great deal. i love him, so of course severing ties is difficult. the other day i was thinking of him and i just felt as though he had died. i feel like im mourning his death almost. its a very strange feeling. i have confidence that at the close of the summer he will contact me, because he loves me in return. i know this must sound childish...but sometimes love does sound childish. its about trust isnt it? well, children are very trusting...so in a way, love is childish.
also i have come to realize that i have a very hard time attatching to things in a longterm way. i honestly think this person is the first time ive felt i want to be attatched. so that in itself is difficult for me to deal with...because i fear ive lost him, which is a perfectly fine feeling to have seeing as how i feel as though the things i allowed myself to attatch to in the past, left or died. it all goes in a big circle...so naturally i fear that he too has gone forever. its been very difficult for me to accept and deal with. its something im still thinking about.
as for my tonsils. they are doing much better now that they are gone forever. i have my two week check up on wednesday. i find out my progress and if i can go back to work and start living my normal life again. i hope i can, because if i cant i think i will go crazy sitting in my house.
anyway, back to reading order of the pheonix. i must finish it very soon so that i can see the movie!!
goodnight.
i suppose this is true most of the time, yes, but lately i have been falling apart. i have been cooped up in my house for two weeks with hardly any visitors. i have watched all the tv i can bare and i cant really talk on the phone seeing as how ive just had surgery on my throat and for days i could barely speak and then i could only talk slightly above a whisper. im feeling much better now, but my throat still hurts quite a bit and my speaking voice still isnt up to conversations longer than about 10 minutes.
anyway, i guess during the last two weeks i have been forced to deal with some suppressed emotions i have had, especially those pertaining to someone i love. about four weeks ago we split up kind of and i havent really heard from him since. well there was one rather long fb message that said some wonderful things about how strong of a person i am and how he knows i can handle my life and other things...but other than that and the text checking to make sure my surgery went okay, thats it. ive come to accept that i wont speak to him until he is finished with his summer of service, which is fine with me because i have my own things to deal with as well. its just, i miss him a great deal. i love him, so of course severing ties is difficult. the other day i was thinking of him and i just felt as though he had died. i feel like im mourning his death almost. its a very strange feeling. i have confidence that at the close of the summer he will contact me, because he loves me in return. i know this must sound childish...but sometimes love does sound childish. its about trust isnt it? well, children are very trusting...so in a way, love is childish.
also i have come to realize that i have a very hard time attatching to things in a longterm way. i honestly think this person is the first time ive felt i want to be attatched. so that in itself is difficult for me to deal with...because i fear ive lost him, which is a perfectly fine feeling to have seeing as how i feel as though the things i allowed myself to attatch to in the past, left or died. it all goes in a big circle...so naturally i fear that he too has gone forever. its been very difficult for me to accept and deal with. its something im still thinking about.
as for my tonsils. they are doing much better now that they are gone forever. i have my two week check up on wednesday. i find out my progress and if i can go back to work and start living my normal life again. i hope i can, because if i cant i think i will go crazy sitting in my house.
anyway, back to reading order of the pheonix. i must finish it very soon so that i can see the movie!!
goodnight.