(no subject)
I'm so tired... so tired of being strong, of having to be the one comforting everyone else. I want so badly for things to go MY way for once.. I'm sick of being hurt, or being the one who tries and either having it thrown back in my face or simply not reciprocated. I'm happy for those of you who have found out how to have a decent life... care to share the secret? I hate how I can be going along, and all of a sudden I get hit so hard by this depression that I don't want to move! I just want to lay in my bed, not talk to anyone, not eat, not even sleep.. just lay there and stare at the ceiling.
I F***ING CARED ABOUT YOU! What I absolutely can't stand is someone who is two faced.. someone who plays games. i HATE games and I refuse to play them. My walls are up now.. no matter how much I may have cared about you before, I'm done. I'll mail your shit back to you, I may or may not answer the phone if you ever call me again.. I cared about you.. and now it feels like, once you got what you wanted, I was put aside.. i can't believe I drove that far.. that far, put up with that shitty road work and traffic.. and thought about DOING IT AGAIN to see you.. to hear almost NOTHING from you for two weeks. Yeah.. I'm probably over reacting.. but when you say "lemme call you back" call me back- it's NOT that hard. I feel like I wasted time and emotion on you.. and I regret caring so much so fast. you were so excited to see me.. couldn't wait to see me. The first night was incredible, even just sitting on the couch with you, leaning on you, finally being WITH you instead of just talking to you. It felt so good to wake up and see your face, feel your arms around me, I felt protected from everything.. but now I think back- how I was protected from you? Or even.. from myself? God.. it feels like I was discarded like something that's been used as much as it can be.
And to you... (different you, for those of you keeping track at home... or just sissi), JUST LEAVE IT BE. it's over.. I an finally, and completely over it. Yes.. seeing you last night threw me for a loop, because you left. like.. JUST left.. the last night you were here pissed me off too.. because you manipulated me using my old feelings for you- that you somehow knew still existed- and somehow managed to make me miss you, and think about you all the time.. I really just wanted to slap you last night. I can't stop thinking about this summer.. when you told me what you'd decided to do.. all I could think was, "I'm not good enough, I'm never good enough. This is just the way my life is." and you can say otherwise all you want.. but until I hear words like "beautiful," "amazing," etc.. out of someone's mouth who DOESN'T screw me over, I'll never believe them. You can take all that drunken confession bullcrap and shove it. I missed you so much.. cut myself off from you- deleted your number from my phone so I wouldn't try and see you- because that was the only way for me to handle it. Now.. I just want to see you so I can tell you to never speak to me again. It may only be her and me who really know how "low" your self esteem is- but the difference between you and me is this.. I'll never do something like that to someone. When you randomly see someone, simply revert back to the way things used to be.. buying drinks.. hugging me.. holding my hand...that's over. Why do you think I kept putting away from you and going towards someone else? Because you were being JUST like you were two weeks ago when I realized i was over you, and at the same time, realizing that you ARE a jerk. You always tried to tell me, but I never believed you. Maybe I should've. I had to make myself stop caring about you- and now I'm trying to keep myself from hating you- however difficult that may be, even after last night.
I really do just want my turn. I'm sick of not being happy, of being hurt by other people. I should be used to it, I suppose, because it's just the way my life goes... I'm not supposed to be happy. and for now.. i quit.
I F***ING CARED ABOUT YOU! What I absolutely can't stand is someone who is two faced.. someone who plays games. i HATE games and I refuse to play them. My walls are up now.. no matter how much I may have cared about you before, I'm done. I'll mail your shit back to you, I may or may not answer the phone if you ever call me again.. I cared about you.. and now it feels like, once you got what you wanted, I was put aside.. i can't believe I drove that far.. that far, put up with that shitty road work and traffic.. and thought about DOING IT AGAIN to see you.. to hear almost NOTHING from you for two weeks. Yeah.. I'm probably over reacting.. but when you say "lemme call you back" call me back- it's NOT that hard. I feel like I wasted time and emotion on you.. and I regret caring so much so fast. you were so excited to see me.. couldn't wait to see me. The first night was incredible, even just sitting on the couch with you, leaning on you, finally being WITH you instead of just talking to you. It felt so good to wake up and see your face, feel your arms around me, I felt protected from everything.. but now I think back- how I was protected from you? Or even.. from myself? God.. it feels like I was discarded like something that's been used as much as it can be.
And to you... (different you, for those of you keeping track at home... or just sissi), JUST LEAVE IT BE. it's over.. I an finally, and completely over it. Yes.. seeing you last night threw me for a loop, because you left. like.. JUST left.. the last night you were here pissed me off too.. because you manipulated me using my old feelings for you- that you somehow knew still existed- and somehow managed to make me miss you, and think about you all the time.. I really just wanted to slap you last night. I can't stop thinking about this summer.. when you told me what you'd decided to do.. all I could think was, "I'm not good enough, I'm never good enough. This is just the way my life is." and you can say otherwise all you want.. but until I hear words like "beautiful," "amazing," etc.. out of someone's mouth who DOESN'T screw me over, I'll never believe them. You can take all that drunken confession bullcrap and shove it. I missed you so much.. cut myself off from you- deleted your number from my phone so I wouldn't try and see you- because that was the only way for me to handle it. Now.. I just want to see you so I can tell you to never speak to me again. It may only be her and me who really know how "low" your self esteem is- but the difference between you and me is this.. I'll never do something like that to someone. When you randomly see someone, simply revert back to the way things used to be.. buying drinks.. hugging me.. holding my hand...that's over. Why do you think I kept putting away from you and going towards someone else? Because you were being JUST like you were two weeks ago when I realized i was over you, and at the same time, realizing that you ARE a jerk. You always tried to tell me, but I never believed you. Maybe I should've. I had to make myself stop caring about you- and now I'm trying to keep myself from hating you- however difficult that may be, even after last night.
I really do just want my turn. I'm sick of not being happy, of being hurt by other people. I should be used to it, I suppose, because it's just the way my life goes... I'm not supposed to be happy. and for now.. i quit.